Hi, so I don't really know what to say, or how to go about starting to untangle things, but I'm feeling stuck and don't know what else to do so I will try.
I've been feeling really disconnected for about the past year. Partly I guess because I used to write about it, or talk to a few friends, but I don't have it in me to write creative things anymore, I guess 'cause I'm doing my PhD and drowning in academic writing. I feel like I should somehow be 'smart enough' to know how to deal with this.
But how are you even supposed to deal with something like this? I went to therapists, I wrote about it, I talked to people about it, I drew, I self-harmed, I screamed in the shower crying, I worked out 'til exhaustion, and so over and over and over again. And now I'm just numb, but where is any kind of resolution? The fun thing is, nobody, including therapists and partners, have really taken it seriously. I think they all have tried, but somehow (as it's been brushed aside sooner or later) that hasn't been it for me. I've really tried to let it be it. I don't want to keep dwelling on it, it takes so much of energy that I don't even have. And yet I still get stuck in moments when I'm scared to be out in public places in fear of maybe an encounter happening. How would I even feel if it did? I can't really even imagine as my feelings are jumbled and all over the place. Yet I don't even feel like I'm even talking about me. Even now.
I'm strong. I believe I am strong, yet sometimes it feels like the most pathetic lie in existence. I was blasted drunk, yes, but so what? When I came to, I could've done something, right? The wanna-be-superhero part of me keeps thinking that. At least I could've done something about the second and third time, as I was lucid. Why didn't I? That's the question that plagues me the most. Why in the f* didn't I? Yes there was a huge difference in physical strength, but I could've probably still done something, right?
I'm supposed to be strong, I don't like feeling weak. The prospect of being somewhere and experiencing things I don't want to be experiencing, is terrifying. Yet exactly that figurative wall was broken, and now everyday things like sleeping next to a partner can be a half-nightmare. So I realize that it had effects that still last to this day. But everything feels cryptic and paranoid. I'm not supposed to think these things. Most of the time I'm not even that upset about it, so why does it still affect me?
Yet, not really being able to share it with my partner hurts, and in a way it feels like he doesn't even know me, as I have this whole layer that's separate from what I'm able to show. And that's distancing. And I don't like this distance. It makes me feel alone. And I thought relationships wouldn't feel this lonely. And yet I don't know how to break out of this. How do I share what I don't really even understand? Would sharing details help? But people don't want to hear that. Feelings? But I can't even describe them in my head, let alone to somebody else.
So what else is there? Is there even anything?
I've been feeling really disconnected for about the past year. Partly I guess because I used to write about it, or talk to a few friends, but I don't have it in me to write creative things anymore, I guess 'cause I'm doing my PhD and drowning in academic writing. I feel like I should somehow be 'smart enough' to know how to deal with this.
But how are you even supposed to deal with something like this? I went to therapists, I wrote about it, I talked to people about it, I drew, I self-harmed, I screamed in the shower crying, I worked out 'til exhaustion, and so over and over and over again. And now I'm just numb, but where is any kind of resolution? The fun thing is, nobody, including therapists and partners, have really taken it seriously. I think they all have tried, but somehow (as it's been brushed aside sooner or later) that hasn't been it for me. I've really tried to let it be it. I don't want to keep dwelling on it, it takes so much of energy that I don't even have. And yet I still get stuck in moments when I'm scared to be out in public places in fear of maybe an encounter happening. How would I even feel if it did? I can't really even imagine as my feelings are jumbled and all over the place. Yet I don't even feel like I'm even talking about me. Even now.
I'm strong. I believe I am strong, yet sometimes it feels like the most pathetic lie in existence. I was blasted drunk, yes, but so what? When I came to, I could've done something, right? The wanna-be-superhero part of me keeps thinking that. At least I could've done something about the second and third time, as I was lucid. Why didn't I? That's the question that plagues me the most. Why in the f* didn't I? Yes there was a huge difference in physical strength, but I could've probably still done something, right?
I'm supposed to be strong, I don't like feeling weak. The prospect of being somewhere and experiencing things I don't want to be experiencing, is terrifying. Yet exactly that figurative wall was broken, and now everyday things like sleeping next to a partner can be a half-nightmare. So I realize that it had effects that still last to this day. But everything feels cryptic and paranoid. I'm not supposed to think these things. Most of the time I'm not even that upset about it, so why does it still affect me?
Yet, not really being able to share it with my partner hurts, and in a way it feels like he doesn't even know me, as I have this whole layer that's separate from what I'm able to show. And that's distancing. And I don't like this distance. It makes me feel alone. And I thought relationships wouldn't feel this lonely. And yet I don't know how to break out of this. How do I share what I don't really even understand? Would sharing details help? But people don't want to hear that. Feelings? But I can't even describe them in my head, let alone to somebody else.
So what else is there? Is there even anything?