Where are my feelings?

truthhurts

Well-Known Member
#1
Hi, so I don't really know what to say, or how to go about starting to untangle things, but I'm feeling stuck and don't know what else to do so I will try.

I've been feeling really disconnected for about the past year. Partly I guess because I used to write about it, or talk to a few friends, but I don't have it in me to write creative things anymore, I guess 'cause I'm doing my PhD and drowning in academic writing. I feel like I should somehow be 'smart enough' to know how to deal with this.

But how are you even supposed to deal with something like this? I went to therapists, I wrote about it, I talked to people about it, I drew, I self-harmed, I screamed in the shower crying, I worked out 'til exhaustion, and so over and over and over again. And now I'm just numb, but where is any kind of resolution? The fun thing is, nobody, including therapists and partners, have really taken it seriously. I think they all have tried, but somehow (as it's been brushed aside sooner or later) that hasn't been it for me. I've really tried to let it be it. I don't want to keep dwelling on it, it takes so much of energy that I don't even have. And yet I still get stuck in moments when I'm scared to be out in public places in fear of maybe an encounter happening. How would I even feel if it did? I can't really even imagine as my feelings are jumbled and all over the place. Yet I don't even feel like I'm even talking about me. Even now.

I'm strong. I believe I am strong, yet sometimes it feels like the most pathetic lie in existence. I was blasted drunk, yes, but so what? When I came to, I could've done something, right? The wanna-be-superhero part of me keeps thinking that. At least I could've done something about the second and third time, as I was lucid. Why didn't I? That's the question that plagues me the most. Why in the f* didn't I? Yes there was a huge difference in physical strength, but I could've probably still done something, right?

I'm supposed to be strong, I don't like feeling weak. The prospect of being somewhere and experiencing things I don't want to be experiencing, is terrifying. Yet exactly that figurative wall was broken, and now everyday things like sleeping next to a partner can be a half-nightmare. So I realize that it had effects that still last to this day. But everything feels cryptic and paranoid. I'm not supposed to think these things. Most of the time I'm not even that upset about it, so why does it still affect me?

Yet, not really being able to share it with my partner hurts, and in a way it feels like he doesn't even know me, as I have this whole layer that's separate from what I'm able to show. And that's distancing. And I don't like this distance. It makes me feel alone. And I thought relationships wouldn't feel this lonely. And yet I don't know how to break out of this. How do I share what I don't really even understand? Would sharing details help? But people don't want to hear that. Feelings? But I can't even describe them in my head, let alone to somebody else.

So what else is there? Is there even anything?
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#2
You don't have to be creative to speak how you feel. You did what you did to survive. Anyone would have. You're not guilty of anything. You were an innocent person. Don't blame yourself for the evils of the world. That's what they want. Instead be a voice for those like yourself. Who are in the same hell as you. No matter what. Don't let anyone or anything break you. The one thing evil hates, is a survivor they cannot control.
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Social Media
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#3
I'm not sure why our instinct is to blame ourselves. I have the same instincts about things that happened to me. In some way I think we feel like maybe we had some control over it. That we had some way of preventing it and therefore we can make some semblance of sense. I'm starting to maybe believe that I wasn't at fault. No matter if you were lucid or not, you aren't at fault for what happened. You couldn't have changed the outcome. It's very difficult to talk about and tell others about and find the right words. I hope that you find the courage to keep talking. Let those here help you work through some of it. Let the professionals help you try to work through some of it. We are here.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#4
Why in the f* didn't I? Yes there was a huge difference in physical strength, but I could've probably still done something, right?
Could you? Who knows? Possibly you could. But possibly fighting back could have made things worse.
Rape is all about control. And in that moment, we lose control of how our minds and bodies react. They take that control from us. Nobody has any way of knowing how they will react to such a traumatic event. Some people instinctively fight and some don't - we can't control that. We do what we need to do in that instant to survive.
But how are you even supposed to deal with something like this?
Truthfully? I don't know. I don't think there is a rule on how to deal with something like this. What helps for one person won't necessarily help for another. All we can do is to keep doing what feels right for us.
 

truthhurts

Well-Known Member
#5
Thank you for the replies.

In my head I usually know that I wasn't at fault. Yet the part that knows is kind of fighting with the part that isn't happy with that 'easy resolution', if that makes sense. I want to be able to prevent it for the future, and help others prevent it, but that sort of thinking goes back and asks 'so why didn't I already'. And can I really, now? Even though I know I've come a long way since then. But then that would still sort of suggest that it depends on me and my abilities. Which isn't quite it, either.

Thank you for the encouragements, I was in quite a low place last night. I will try to work through it bit by bit. I'll definitely keep going.
 

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