Where are my signs of hope

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Angelo_91, Jan 22, 2009.

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  1. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    Well, im sitting here... alone like usual.
    next week is exams which i don't give a fuck about and I have 1 more semester to go til im done high school... but Im scared shitless of what happens after high school. I fear being alone even more. I've tried socializing, i've made a few friends this semester but none of them really care, I can see it and feel it when I talk to them on msn, it's always me starting the conversation. What the fuck more does this world want from me. I see work as pain, thats why I don't want to do college or anything, I just wish for something as simple as affection at the least.

    Days like these, I just try to keep my mood up, hiding the fact that I have no clue where I am going in life. Even if I find some job, I know nothing will make me happy but to have her back in my life, but shes gone away for good. Just a memory now, just another reason to drop all the cards. NOTHING seems to matter when all I think about is the past and when she cared about me, but it's all just a memory.

    I can't stand all the liars that say they care but they don't. I asked this girl who became my friend on msn if she enjoys talking to me and she said yes, but at during my last days of the semester in the same class as her, it's like she can't stand the sight of me. What did i do wrong? Why couldn't she be honest? Is this the point where I get by on my fucking own again? I thought people become friends so they care about each other. I don't understand people, Ive tried but I dont want to anymore.

    Its like having the choice of either staying sad to keep my mood steady or have all these highs and lows and feel every depthness of each blow. I'm not asking for the world, just a little caring. Just some caring so I can feel alive again. I know i'm picky about girls but maybe thats my problem, but what's the self-acknowledgement when you get what you didn't want in the end?

    If someone spent the time to read my little ramble about life, then thanks. I mean it. I always have all these thoughts I want to say but even posting on an online forum I can't be truely true to emotions because of this stupid fuckign anxiety.

    Anyways, Id like to know how peoples lives went after high school, if anyone cares to share. What happens to someone who doesn't know what they want anymore after time? And anyone can add me on msn if they want, like Im tired of waiting on a person to talk to me like they want to. discovering-the-waterfront@hotmail.com sorry if I asked for too much, sorry If I did say something wrong, sorry for being a little waste of data on this forum. I mean it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 22, 2009
  2. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    thanks for the replies assholes. fuck life.
  3. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    Hey Angelo!! Why are you apologizing?? You have nothing to apologize for!
    I'm sorry you're feeling down. I realize that life seems really scary right now. There is ALOT of pressure on highschool students to figure out what they want to be in life. It's not fair and I DO truely understand how you feel. You don't HAVE to decide how the rest of your life is going to be right now. Why don't you just ride it out for now and see what happens. You said you don't like work. I suffer from anxiety and had to take some time off work... I slowly wiended myself back into working.... I do not going to school after highschool. I'm 23 and I've been able to make it this far. If I can do it...So can you.
    You don't need to worry about girls now. There is plenty of time for that later!! :hug:
  4. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    thank you for a post, btw im from ontario too..

    i wish i could explain but i can't just magically stop worrying about this new girl and old girl they came into my life, i didnt choose this. i was fine being alone back in middle school, then they had to come into my life and lead me on and then act like i dont exist. can anyone explain what i did wrong to deserve this pain. when i look at relationships, i dont care about benefits or profits, i just play in my mind the movie the fox and the hound and like to think friendships last forever... but they don;t... they just fucking dont do they.

    thank you rachel even if you really dont care
  5. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    Aww Where abouts in Ontario Angelo? Nice to see someone from my neck of the woods!

    You didn't do anything to deserve this...None of us did. Unfortunately we are all facing many burdens that we need help with.

    I may not know you...But that doesn't mean I don't care.

    You are going to have girls lead you on.....And one day you will inadvertedly lead someone else on and break their hearts. Shit happens.. I'm not saying "get over it" .....I'm just saying...... It happens and unfortunately now you have to cope with that.

    It WILL get easier with time.
  6. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

  7. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    St. Catharines..But I work in Stoney Creek.

    You aren't pathetic. I will add you to facebook :) You can talk to me anytime
  8. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    thanks uve made me feel a bit better tonight
  9. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad Angelo. See... I DO care. Otherwise why would I be on here constantly to check for your replies?
  10. darkrider

    darkrider Well-Known Member

    Our system is a bit different in the uk. We have high school up to 16, then college up to 18/19 then university afterwards.

    Well I went straight through it all and went to uni at 18, then dropped out at 19 because the course wasn't for me and everything else was pretty crap. In my experience yes life does get a lot tougher when you finish. When I finished college at 18 I almost disconnected from life. I guess I just went out of the system completely and became a recluse. The year at uni probably made me worse because i commuted on my own, studied alone.. yeah you get the picture. In fact I missed about 60% of classes. In the year after (2008) I did very very little for a WHOLE year. Shit I can't believe that looking back. Time flies. Slowly i've started to get an understanding of what i've got to do. I'm no where near having a 'life' yet but i'm picking up the pieces. If you feel totally out of it when you finish don't worry too much, there's time to get your head together, unless your parents throw you out and make you work or something, but i hope not. Education is good in my opinion but only if you have a plan. You could even look into something like plumbing or electrician where you work on your own or with another person, and its obviously cheaper than college. I think if i've got one thing to say it's to think your own mind and not follow everyone else. Get in touch with your feelings and think what would make you comfortable. Also get yourself 'educated' in everyday living and how to look after yourself without help.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 23, 2009
  11. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    I've been thinking, and I really am not afraid of what job i take up or anything like that, the truth is i dont want to admit that i am afraid i may be alone no matter where i end up. Being alone right now, everywhere i go, feels like forever. I may not be alone physically, but in my mind i am alone, i feel even as hard as a try, no matter what i do, no one will understand me. im sorry for asking for too much. What is the reason for bitterness? why do we feel bitter, what's the point?

    And just yesterday i was talking to my councellor about my thoughts, and she recommended i return back to the hospital, i felt so lied to. I thought she cared, i dont want to go back there. As i type right now, i feel as if im grasping for something that isn't there. Reaching for an empty void. I want to try, but at sometimes i dont want to. My mind is playing tricks with me again, and the worst part is that i dont know a certain way to control it, even if there is a point to controlling it. Im sorry.
  12. Rachel123

    Rachel123 Well-Known Member

    Your councellor wants you to go to the hospital because she cares. She knows that the hospital is where you can get the care you need and deserve. :hug:
  13. Angelo_91

    Angelo_91 Well-Known Member

    i cant tank it... all i do there is sit on a bed staring at a wall the whole day literally. And get questioned about the same old stuff i have to keep explaining over and over. They make it like hell, so you actually want to get the hell out and live on purpose, i swear. Who knows, maybe its what i need rachel... but it's such a dark thought.
  14. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Angelo,
    If your therapist wants you to go back in the hospital it's because she is concerned about you. Granted it is boring and if you go to the day room to watch TV you can't hear it because everyone is trying to talk louder than the group next to them. My advice is take a couple of books with you.
    As far as education goes you will find it is worth while for you to get one unless you want to do manual labor all your life. Why not go to a JR. College or even a trade school. Anything is better than manual labor trust me I was one for years and all I ever got out of it was a herniated disc in my back. Later in life I was lucky enough to find a decent job that paid well but I had to lie my ass off to get it, and once I had my breakdown I lost it also. So please don't be so hasty to give up on education you need one now a days because there is to much competition out there for the good jobs. Take care!!~Joseph~
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