Where can I talk?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bombeni, Jan 3, 2007.

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  1. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Is there a chatroom anywhere to talk to people? I am having a hard time. Need some human contact badly.
     
  2. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    You should be able to see a link for the Chat Room, right above the Google Ad...
     
  3. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    I have not used chatrooms, when I go there it is just a blank page. I can't find where people are talking. Thanks.
     
  4. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    Do you see the link? If you click that, you should have a menu come up... click 'Enter Chat Room (Float)'... a plain white pop-up window should come up... you need to wait a few moments for the chat to load...

    Give that a try... post if you have any more problems. :)
     
  5. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Well that page just sits there forever nothing comes up. I am at work and think maybe a firewall or somthing prevents it? I am not very computer oriented.
     
  6. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    It is possible something is preventing you from connecting properly. Is there anything you want discuss on the forum if you can't get into the chat?
     
  7. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    I just think today is the day I am going to finally put an end to the pain. Of course I have thought that some other days and ended up making it through after all. But it feels like this last thread is about to break.
     
  8. Malcontent

    Malcontent Staff Alumni

    The chat room needs java to run. If you are allowed to download it onto your work computer you can get it here www.java.com
     
  9. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    Is there anything about today that making things more difficult for you, bombeni? I know this must be difficult being at work at the moment and all, but you can pour out your pain here.
     
  10. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Mal thanks alot I did download that Java but still no luck. My job doesn't require a lot of computer knowledge.

    Wintersdawn I can only think that I have bottled the pain of some devastating events for too long and now they have exploded but I have to keep acting like everything is ok and it is getting harder each minute almost. I want to be dead so much. I have religious conflicts that are preventing me right now. I raised two kids alone and never had anyone to share the blows of some major downsides and I just can't go on. But what about your pain? I feel kindof guilty using someone else who is in great pain to pour my troubles out to, but I don't have anyone who is really hearing me. I tried to tell my mom last week that I was thinking about suicide and she replied that I don't have the guts. It felt like a dare. This isn't about taking on a dare.
     
  11. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    We're here to help each other. I do believe that's the primary focus of this forum, so please don't feel you would burden anyone here. I'm having a relatively good day, after having a day yesterday that you're describing. Sometimes we just need to get through the day.

    It's really unfortunate that your mom isn't taking you seriously. I don't know if she's really intending to dare you, or if she didn't know how to react to the news. I do know it must hurt to not have anyone that listens especially when you are already feeling so bad.

    Are you in therapy? Have you considered it? It sounds like you may need to discuss the events that have been troubling you for so long.

    I'm not sure where this is coming from, but I feel impressed to say it...
    Be kind to yourself.

    (and keep posting if you need to... I'll be here :) )
     
  12. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    I know I need to be in therapy but I am afraid to now, I can't exacly explain it but I am afraid to let my job know I am losing control, and my kids, etc etc etc, I am losing my mind. I am so dead inside. I can't see anything but pain. I have been on antidepressant for a couple weeks now but not helping. Got them from my regular doctor.
     
  13. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    I do know what you mean about the fear of appearing 'weak'. I'm going to share something that deeply impacted my life. I hope it helps. This is a bit of a life story, so please bear with me...

    After five years of being unemployed and not being able to find work, I decided to move to a completely different city where the job market was booming. I had two young children with me, one who is severely medically challenged. After the move, I was able to obtain employment rather quickly with a growing Residential Property Management company. I was quickly thrown into the responsibilties of Work, Home & Family - something I was not accustomed to and had a really difficult time balancing everything. Work was very demanding of both time & energy, I had growing issues with my disabled son, and my house was getting messier and messier. I couldn't keep up, but I smiled and pretended everything was fine. Everything was NOT fine when the Authorities raided my home and took my children away. I was severely depressed, I was severely sick and I was nearly dead - all because I pretended everything was okay.

    I know it's hard right now to entertain the possibility of discussing things with a therapist, but I really would like you to not let things become as badly as I did because of fear.

    As for the anti-depressants, if you feel they're not working, discuss it with your doctor again. He may ask you try a little bit longer or he may need to explore a different drug for you.
     
  14. bombeni

    bombeni Guest


    I appreciate you sharing that. Your story almost sounds like mine. I raised two sons alone, and one was not actually physically disabled, but he was emotionally fragile and has been suicidal off and on. I don't know, looking back now, how I even made it to here. Both sons are grown now, 24 and 27. They do ok for themselves. They are good guys basically, kind and honest. The youngest still emotionally fragile though. I am so afraid of losing control because I am afraid of what it will do to my sons who are both working jobs now and on their own. I fear if I collapse it will affect them emotionally to the point I may end up with more problems than I started with. Death would be so friendly right now. I am having oral surgery in 2 days and I only hope something goes wrong w/ the anesthesia or something and I die. That way it won't be as devestating to my children if I died accidentally.
     
  15. WintersDawn

    WintersDawn Active Member

    Somehow, I think it might do good if you ease up on yourself, stop feeling so guilty, and do something to take care of yourself. Maybe you can discuss things with your eldest son, who seems more emotionally secure, and just explain that you are having a rough time. Is there anything you've always wanted to do or try, but didn't have the time to before?

    I'm sorry if I'm off-key here... only you know your family dynamics. I just don't want you secluding yourself more in darkness because you feel responsible for how your family might react. You might not agree with me now, but you do deserve to take care of yourself too.
     
  16. ace

    ace Well-Known Member

    Hi there bombeni I'm terribly sorry to hear the pain you've been suffering,the thing with anti-depressant's is that they could take up to 4-6 weeks to kick in but don't let this put you off.The pain you have inside is so tough I know,I think you have to try your best to go easier on yourself and this is a part of depression I know you feel the guilt.
    I do understand and know what it's like for event's and memories to hurt so much,the simple fact is that they can keep and will keep trying to eat away at us unless we do something about it.It's not easy of course and don't blame yourself because these events are constantly hurting you,it's not your fault.
    I know it's so hard to just drop them like that and that's impossible but slowly trying to deal with them is something you may be able to try.I do understand and I'm alway's willing to try and do my best please feel free to talk to me.
     
  17. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Thanks WD and Ace. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am just guessing. I don't know if it my past or I am just crazy or what. I don't really care at this point I just want it to end. I have had depressive episodes in my life but never anything like this where I want to die so bad it is all I can think about.
     
  18. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    Please pray for me. I am going to go through with it tonite. I am at work today, work for school so first day back in two weeks and have had my door shut all day, I know people know something is wrong. Can't go on. Pray that I find peace, and not more punishment on the other side. Please.
     
  19. bipolarkitty

    bipolarkitty Well-Known Member

    Bombeni, please don't do anything. I know it's so hard right now, but you can hang in there. You have so much support here. So many people here know what you're going through and have felt all your fears. Lean on us. Don't worry about dumping on us. Think about it this way... if we weren't all having problems, we wouldn't be able to understand you and offer hope and encouragement and advice.

    I know you feel that you can't go on any longer. But you can. You just need to make it through tonight.

    Give yourself some more time to try to figure things out. Give the meds more time to work. As ace said, they can take a while to kick in. Talk to us. Pour it all out here. It's what we're here for.

    I'm very worried about you. Please let me know that you're safe. PM me, or better yet, send me an email at bipolarkitty333@sbcglobal.net.
     
  20. bombeni

    bombeni Guest

    I got in my car left w/o saying a word. Was going to a motel out on the turnpike. Have enough pain meds to kill a horse (have had 8 major surgeries in the past 12 years). So yes I am choosing the chicken way out, because I will be knocked out in probably less than 5 minutes and never know what hit me. I turned car around though and came back. You see I have this other little "problem" as I know for sure I have an angel that has followed me around my whole life. And he/she is hampering my plans. Keeps sticking images of my boys in my head, and my future grandchildren, things like that. Yes I know I have an angel, but I also know I have had this brutal path to go down. Must be a reason I will know it someday. But I know I will find peace, if not in this life then in the next maybe. For right now I am back in my senses somewhat but it changes hourly. One little negative thought can plunge me right back to wanting to jump off.
     
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