Hi, I really don't know why I am writing this shit but maybe it will help me relax a bit. Since my childhood I have been good in studies, which was like the only thing I was ever good at. Not the best but just good. Had no friends ever, those people who would talk to me needed some help and after I did what they asked, they just left. After completing school I enrolled for Bachelors in Physics the very same year I completed school. At that time I thought I was in love with this subject and will make a great career out of this. In 3rd Semester, COVID happened. I was stuck inside home for more than a year. It was the best time of my life, you may think I am a devil for feeling that way, several people lost their lives that time. But for me isolation was peace. I graduated with more than 85% marks and was selected through a national level examination into a research institute for study in Theoretical Physics with a fellowship which was highest in my country in this field. However as I started working here, after about 3 months, I feel like I am suffocating. I can't take the workload. I have stopped studying, deadlines for my project is approaching for which I have nothing to submit and I am just sitting here and writing this piece of crap. I wasted all my time while I have been here watching movies and TV shows. If I fail this semester I will be kicked out and will end up broke. I will no longer have any financial support. I can't change my career field as I am good at nothing else. Now that I think of it I was never really into Physics, It was just least annoying of all the subjects I studied. I feel like I never really liked studying but did it because I never really had anything else to do. I never even played any games, what a wasted youth. No one would have ever wanted to play with me anyway. I have ended up obese and with severe eye problems. My financial support comes from research but now I can't concentrate, I can't even study for 10 minutes straight. What do I do now? Change career, not possible. Live like this, I am trembling with fear thinking about my future. Will I be able to eat next month? My family used to provide me some financial help but they can't now. They got problem of their own and now are looking up to me. I am just going to blow it all up.