Where Did I Go?

Nick

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#1
Some of you have asked where I went. The answer to that is simple. I didn't go anywhere, I've been here the whole time. Sitting in my silent hell. Trying to claw my way back out of the darkness. What happened? It started with an attempt. An opportunity presented itself and I made the decision not to pass it up. Hospital fixed me back up, more or less, and sent me home. No beds, said they'd call if one came available.

One bad decision after the other put me in a position for something really bad to happen. It's my fault so whatever. I made a 2nd attempt the next day. That attempt was much closer to successful than the first. Once again, no beds so I was sent home. Once upon a time if you attempted or were injured or had some significant medical event (which I did) they would hold you. Now with the shortage of space they send you home with a promise to call.

Now I'm a walking headcase stuck in a deep dark hole somewhere, self medicating my way through the day. Today I had someone ask me who I would invite if I won tickets to some event. I told them I don't have offline friends so I would just give them to somebody. Their response "who the hell doesn't have friends, what is wrong with you" and that about sums up my life. At this point I don't really care about anything. I don't care what happens to me. Who knows maybe I'll finally die in this deep dark hole I've created.

So I'm here. I'm a disappointment. I'm a failure. I'm broken and hurt beyond description. The things that have happened in the last month are far beyond what I can handle. I've retreated. I wave the white flag.
[/USER]
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#2
I don't know what to say apart from you're not a disappointment to us. We get it and we're standing by your side ready to hold you up if you need it.

Please stay safe my friend.
 

Sassy Cat

SF hugger
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
Hugs hun I cannot believe they treat people this way I am so sorry hun. The system sucks we care about you hun you matter to me and everyone here. I feel like my life is better knowing you and having you in my life. I wish you could realize how special you are you are important to this world my one wish for you is that you can be happy in your life that good things come your way. I want you to be okay because who else is our special Kal. I hope you kind find the help to be okay. I know you are hurting but please get the support you need from us we will listen and be here for you no matter what hugs
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Social Media
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#5
Thanks. I don't really know what to say, which is why I haven't really said anything.
 

bobbob

SF Supporter
#6
Some of you have asked where I went. The answer to that is simple. I didn't go anywhere, I've been here the whole time. Sitting in my silent hell. Trying to claw my way back out of the darkness. What happened? It started with an attempt. An opportunity presented itself and I made the decision not to pass it up. Hospital fixed me back up, more or less, and sent me home. No beds, said they'd call if one came available.

One bad decision after the other put me in a position for something really bad to happen. It's my fault so whatever. I made a 2nd attempt the next day. That attempt was much closer to successful than the first. Once again, no beds so I was sent home. Once upon a time if you attempted or were injured or had some significant medical event (which I did) they would hold you. Now with the shortage of space they send you home with a promise to call.

Now I'm a walking headcase stuck in a deep dark hole somewhere, self medicating my way through the day. Today I had someone ask me who I would invite if I won tickets to some event. I told them I don't have offline friends so I would just give them to somebody. Their response "who the hell doesn't have friends, what is wrong with you" and that about sums up my life. At this point I don't really care about anything. I don't care what happens to me. Who knows maybe I'll finally die in this deep dark hole I've created.

So I'm here. I'm a disappointment. I'm a failure. I'm broken and hurt beyond description. The things that have happened in the last month are far beyond what I can handle. I've retreated. I wave the white flag.
[/USER]
You're not a failure imo. You're struggling the best you can atm without getting the kind of help that everyone should be entitled to. I know despair, having been there and stayed awhile. I'm not there now . I hope you can find a better place soon and find some happiness.
 

Walker

Admin
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#7
You know that we're all here for you. That doesn't require much talking. You can come be distracted or you can come talk about the things that are going on. Whatever it is you need is all that matters here. We've got your back.
((((Hugs all up in your bubble))))
 
#8
What that person said to you was very mean and uncalled for. It's common for nice people to have few or no friends in this day and age. Most people have become very selfish and all that lot flock together like dumb sheep. I've found there are nice people to be friends with in the world, they just happen to be rare and all sparsed about in different parts, so never think there's anything wrong with you, 'cause there isn't. Hugs x
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
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#9
I'm crying again and I don't even know why. I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling right now other then overwhelmed.
 

Sunspots

To Wish Impossible Things
Admin
SF Supporter
#12
Cry as much as you need to, it's good to let it all out.

We're all here for you, whenever you want us. ((((Hugs))))
 

Nick

☆☆Admin-tastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
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#13
Thank you for the encouragement. My heads such a mess. I did a writing exercise today. One where you write down whatever you think for 2 min and the read it back. Two things I noted, 1) I write cryptic even when writing to myself 2) there's a theme here

I guess I'll just share what I wrote. I've posted worse.
What to write? What are my thoughts? hm. I'll tell you I don't care anymore, but I hope you'll know that's a lie. Right now I'm not even sure what the point is. Came so far, never thought I'd be done now. Do I even have a decision or is the end already written? I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to break apart. I don't want to know the end, all I want is a place to start. What's the difference between a loss and a forfeit?

muddled, rambling, but still one track
 

Sassy Cat

SF hugger
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#14
Thank you for the encouragement. My heads such a mess. I did a writing exercise today. One where you write down whatever you think for 2 min and the read it back. Two things I noted, 1) I write cryptic even when writing to myself 2) there's a theme here

I guess I'll just share what I wrote. I've posted worse.
What to write? What are my thoughts? hm. I'll tell you I don't care anymore, but I hope you'll know that's a lie. Right now I'm not even sure what the point is. Came so far, never thought I'd be done now. Do I even have a decision or is the end already written? I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to break apart. I don't want to know the end, all I want is a place to start. What's the difference between a loss and a forfeit?

muddled, rambling, but still one track
Hugs
 

Were all together

Staff Alumni
SF Supporter
#15
Thank you for the encouragement. My heads such a mess. I did a writing exercise today. One where you write down whatever you think for 2 min and the read it back. Two things I noted, 1) I write cryptic even when writing to myself 2) there's a theme here

I guess I'll just share what I wrote. I've posted worse.
What to write? What are my thoughts? hm. I'll tell you I don't care anymore, but I hope you'll know that's a lie. Right now I'm not even sure what the point is. Came so far, never thought I'd be done now. Do I even have a decision or is the end already written? I'm tired of feeling like I'm going to break apart. I don't want to know the end, all I want is a place to start. What's the difference between a loss and a forfeit?

muddled, rambling, but still one track
Doesn't matter what you write. As long as you feel better after. Shit, scribble if you want. As long as it releases a small amt of tension, its worth it.
 

MarvelFan

Vanity of Vanities
#16
I am wishing you the best. Sorry that you are going through these attempts at your life and having to spend time in the hospital, but we are here for you and love you a bunch so stay with us and talk with us as much as you can before these things happen. :)
 

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