where did my humanity go

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kupe, Oct 15, 2014.

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  1. Kupe

    Kupe New Member

    Its been so long.

    I used to wish I could talk to my friends back home. Now, I don't care about having friends. I don't understand what family is supposed to feel like. I moved past hope a long time ago, and I accepted that I'm meant to hurt. I have been learning to live with pain like its an autonomous action like breathing. It feels good, but it feels so bad. Maybe because its the only feeling I know that moves me.

    More and more, I feel like pain triggers feelings of love and love triggers deep feelings of pain. I crave pain, be it physical or emotional.
    I don't even know if I want to be happy anymore. I think I should be like this.

    I can't bring myself to talk about my feelings anymore to anyone. It's just so obvious that nobody cares. Not even here.

    I'm pretty pathetic for even writing this stupid shit.


    I used to be afraid to die. I feared the physical pain, the unbearable excruciating pain. Now, I really wonder what it feels like. I wonder how beautiful it would feel to feel my life slipping through my fingers.

    Maybe I could finally smile when I slip into that sleep
     
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are clearly in pain and have been for some time based on this and your last post. Perhaps you would like to talk about what happened in your life before your last attempt, or what you have done in the months since then, if you are in any treatment program at all or what is going on and then some people may be able to offer you some insight on ways to make things feel better or to find hope or caring again?
     
  3. feeling_hopeless

    feeling_hopeless New Member

    Pain is a necessary part of emotional experience and the lowest of lows only prepare you for the highest of highs. The hardest part is thinking/knowing that could happen and that's something i struggle with. Ultimately it makes you a stronger person if you can get beyond the isolation.
     
  4. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi, I am very saddened by post and what you are feeling. You are an individual who has reached out and we can help you in this critical moment of your life. If you want to talk about the situation that causing pain, PM me and I will see if I can help you. You are a IMPORTANT and as human being has the right to live without the pain your are feeling. I PLEAD WITH YOU THAT LIFE IS IMPORTANT AND DO NOT ACT ON YOUR FEELINGS... Please take care. Like I say to others please do not think you are alone in suffering.
     
  5. Kupe

    Kupe New Member

    I've gone through plenty of therapy... Even on medication, with good care, I am still slipping.

    There is so much that I don't feel properly anymore. I used to know myself so well, but it's just like the little rooms in my mind that used to hold integral parts of my personality and will to exist are empty now. These are slowly fading and emptying themselves, and I don't know how to stop it.

    At first, I feel fear of losing a certain part of myself... And then one day, I just realize that it no longer matters anymore. All I have to my name is work. Focus on work. Keep the appearances.
    I'm trying not to whip myself anymore. It's difficult. When I go to sleep, all of my bedding.. my pillows, blankets, they are on the floor when I wake up. And I haven't experienced a dream for years. I don't understand why.
     
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