I hate my life. By hate, I mean love deeply but can no longer look myself in the eye when staring at my reflection in a mirror. If I had things my way, I wouldn't be doing half of the shit I'm doing today. In my dream life, there's a black lab puppy, studio apartment in a big city, old scrap-like furniture decorating the empty rooms, paintings and portraits everywhere, and jazz playing loudly through a sound system. But when I come back to reality, I realize that I'm living in the outskirts of rundown Detroit, and sitting in my bedroom and wondering why I'm wasting time and money to go to school in a sad attempt at a normal life, attempting proper education when really I couldn't give a shit less about everything and anything I'm learning --up to date. In plainest terms: I'd rather be a starving artist than an intelligent, college educated individual working a respectful position and contributing to society. Currently I'm an escort, and I fucking hate it. I hate the men I see... They have so much money, they went to the best universities, they have well-respected positions, they have nice cars, and they have nice homes. But holy hell, these things make up for what they lack!!!! These guys have absolutely NO manners, no compassion for others. They're heartless souls, and I feel like I'm more of a human than them. It seems like daily I'm surrounded by idiots, and I feel as though we're all these subject "test rats" for some greater power out there (although I am absolutely NOT RELIGIOUS and DO NOT believe in any gods)... I mean, what's the point??? Waste an approximated 80 years striving for dollar bills that have been designed out of none other than TREES, working jobs to benefit one another, living these egotistic lives as if we're actually going to do something with themselves? Today I did an interview with one of the most well-known professors in the state of Michigan, famous for his podcasts and other shit I had never really heard of, nor given a damn about. The interview went great, and it was for me to have the ability to work for a congressman for 12 hours sometime after the elections are over, in order to achieve a pathetic A+ in my Political Science class at school. I dressed incredibly professional, brought in my resume, and acted like I really gave a fuck about politics, when the only thing on my mind was "when can I get out of here so I can go home and be absolutely alone??" I cut out the only guy who knew me (since my best friend <suicide> in 2007), and realized that nobody deserves to be treated the way I treat them. Only recently have I come to the realization that I only allow people in my life when I feel as though there is a way to benefit from them. This guy was my financial supporter, and I only kept him around because it ensured me that there would always be money in my pocket, always someone to take me out to dinner, and a place to go if I ever wanted to get away from people.... But I don't like him for who he is. I never cared to ask him about how his day was, or how he was feeling. But the saddest part of it all, is I'm actually crying as I type this. Why?? --Well, because I know damn well what a pathetic person I am. But I'm never going to change. I will always be the same. What did I do in a past life to honestly go through this?? This world is unreal... It's almost as if it's a dream... Who am I? Who are you? Are we somehow connected? Why do I know the things I know, and why do I not know the things I don't know? How come some of us know what others don't? I feel like just <mod edit method>. I feel like I'm going insane.