Where do I begin?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kokoa, Oct 24, 2012.

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  1. Kokoa

    Kokoa New Member

    I hate my life. By hate, I mean love deeply but can no longer look myself in the eye when staring at my reflection in a mirror.

    If I had things my way, I wouldn't be doing half of the shit I'm doing today. In my dream life, there's a black lab puppy, studio apartment in a big city, old scrap-like furniture decorating the empty rooms, paintings and portraits everywhere, and jazz playing loudly through a sound system. But when I come back to reality, I realize that I'm living in the outskirts of rundown Detroit, and sitting in my bedroom and wondering why I'm wasting time and money to go to school in a sad attempt at a normal life, attempting proper education when really I couldn't give a shit less about everything and anything I'm learning --up to date.

    In plainest terms: I'd rather be a starving artist than an intelligent, college educated individual working a respectful position and contributing to society.

    Currently I'm an escort, and I fucking hate it. I hate the men I see... They have so much money, they went to the best universities, they have well-respected positions, they have nice cars, and they have nice homes. But holy hell, these things make up for what they lack!!!! These guys have absolutely NO manners, no compassion for others. They're heartless souls, and I feel like I'm more of a human than them.

    It seems like daily I'm surrounded by idiots, and I feel as though we're all these subject "test rats" for some greater power out there (although I am absolutely NOT RELIGIOUS and DO NOT believe in any gods)... I mean, what's the point??? Waste an approximated 80 years striving for dollar bills that have been designed out of none other than TREES, working jobs to benefit one another, living these egotistic lives as if we're actually going to do something with themselves?

    Today I did an interview with one of the most well-known professors in the state of Michigan, famous for his podcasts and other shit I had never really heard of, nor given a damn about. The interview went great, and it was for me to have the ability to work for a congressman for 12 hours sometime after the elections are over, in order to achieve a pathetic A+ in my Political Science class at school. I dressed incredibly professional, brought in my resume, and acted like I really gave a fuck about politics, when the only thing on my mind was "when can I get out of here so I can go home and be absolutely alone??"

    I cut out the only guy who knew me (since my best friend <suicide> in 2007), and realized that nobody deserves to be treated the way I treat them. Only recently have I come to the realization that I only allow people in my life when I feel as though there is a way to benefit from them. This guy was my financial supporter, and I only kept him around because it ensured me that there would always be money in my pocket, always someone to take me out to dinner, and a place to go if I ever wanted to get away from people.... But I don't like him for who he is. I never cared to ask him about how his day was, or how he was feeling. But the saddest part of it all, is I'm actually crying as I type this. Why?? --Well, because I know damn well what a pathetic person I am. But I'm never going to change. I will always be the same.

    What did I do in a past life to honestly go through this?? This world is unreal... It's almost as if it's a dream... Who am I? Who are you? Are we somehow connected? Why do I know the things I know, and why do I not know the things I don't know? How come some of us know what others don't?

    I feel like just <mod edit method>. I feel like I'm going insane.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2012
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    If I had things my way, I wouldn't be doing half of the shit I'm doing today. In my dream life, there's a black lab puppy, studio apartment in a big city, old scrap-like furniture decorating the empty rooms, paintings and portraits everywhere, and jazz playing loudly through a sound system. But when I come back to reality, I realize that I'm living in the outskirts of rundown Detroit, and sitting in my bedroom and wondering why I'm wasting time and money to go to school in a sad attempt at a normal life, attempting proper education when really I couldn't give a shit less about everything and anything I'm learning --up to date.
    In plainest terms: I'd rather be a starving artist than an intelligent, college educated individual working a respectful position and contributing to society.


    I believe that your dream is not ridiculous or foolish - if that is what you want it is perfectly acceptable. I also believe that balance is needed to keep people real and make the world a better place and the world would not be a better place without people with dreams and starving artists, so whichever place you choose to end up you will be contributing in my opinion.

    Currently I'm an escort, and I fucking hate it. I hate the men I see... They have so much money, they went to the best universities, they have well-respected positions, they have nice cars, and they have nice homes. But holy hell, these things make up for what they lack!!!! These guys have absolutely NO manners, no compassion for others. They're heartless souls, and I feel like I'm more of a human than them.

    You likely are a better human than most of them. Not surprising at all you recognize them for what they are.... it is sad that so few are able to see what is so clear to you and many of us as well.


    Today I did an interview with one of the most well-known professors in the state of Michigan, famous for his podcasts and other shit I had never really heard of, nor given a damn about. The interview went great, and it was for me to have the ability to work for a congressman for 12 hours sometime after the elections are over, in order to achieve a pathetic A+ in my Political Science class at school. I dressed incredibly professional, brought in my resume, and acted like I really gave a fuck about politics, when the only thing on my mind was "when can I get out of here so I can go home and be absolutely alone??"

    It is not bad to be driven to succeed even if you disagree with the definition of success. It is possible that you may be able to put the political science background and exposure to politics to good use to influence change someday - in which case it may well be a case of the ends justifies the means. Stick to your core beliefs and when in a position to cause change for the better do so.

    I cut out the only guy who knew me (since my best friend <suicide> in 2007), and realized that nobody deserves to be treated the way I treat them. Only recently have I come to the realization that I only allow people in my life when I feel as though there is a way to benefit from them. This guy was my financial supporter, and I only kept him around because it ensured me that there would always be money in my pocket, always someone to take me out to dinner, and a place to go if I ever wanted to get away from people.... But I don't like him for who he is. I never cared to ask him about how his day was, or how he was feeling. But the saddest part of it all, is I'm actually crying as I type this. Why?? --Well, because I know damn well what a pathetic person I am. But I'm never going to change. I will always be the same.

    Most of us are selfish and users at times. It is not you, it is human. The fact you recognize it, both in others and in yourself is a tribute to strength of character, not of being pathetic.

    What did I do in a past life to honestly go through this?? This world is unreal... It's almost as if it's a dream... Who am I? Who are you? Are we somehow connected? Why do I know the things I know, and why do I not know the things I don't know? How come some of us know what others don't?

    Some choose to see see, intentionally or not, only what they choose to see... it is less a case of knowing often times than admitting they know. Just my opinion, as all of the rest.

    I feel like just <mod edit method>. I feel like I'm going insane.

    If you are conflicted in where you are and what you are doing compared to what you want to be doing it is never going to make sense. You need to make a plan of how to get to where you want to be or plan on how you can use what you are doing now to make things more as you believe they should be and then you will feel as if life has some purpose as opposed to being a charade. I hope you are able to find that purpose that makes you happy and sooner rather than later.

    Take Care and Be Safe

    Ben
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    So first things first get rid of this guy you are with, because he is causing your self-hatred. Well one cause, however, getting rid of him will make you feel better about yourself. Since you are no longer just using someone. I think the reason why he gets to you so much is because you can tell he actually genuinely likes you and wants to be with you. You want to feel like you are just his #$%^ toy. However, deep down you know that you are more to him than that.

    Second off, being an artist is more convincing people you make art than it is actually making it. You basically need to be a narcissist to accomplish that kind of thing. People will feed off your confidence and like your work more. The only thing that is more important than that is making art. When was the last time you sat down and made some art? Look at it this way, how are you supposed to sell art if you do not have any to sell? Stop sabotaging yourself, my roommate is just like you. He wants to be a musician. Yet he never practices, never tries out for anything, never tries to start giving lessons, and bitches about how music is so under appreciated in our society. Art is like any kind of profession. You need to have a social network to really succeed. Really these days with the internet and how easy it is to post information and art online... you have no excuse.

    I say keep working on your art while you finish off your degree. Having a degree, regardless of what it is in, will help you out more than you know. Once you have a degree and are on your own. Moonlight the art thing until you make it big. Yeah it sucks, but life is unfair. That is just something you have to live with. I hate it everyday, but the fact of the matter is there is nothing that I can do about it.
     
  4. Nevergiveup

    Nevergiveup Member

    I really liked your post and how you see the life, it's really different. my comprehension is not really good cause the english is not my mother language but the way you're describing the world is interesting and i feel the same.
    I don't understand why bad people are rewarded , that's stupid !
    Humans should help each other and that what i'm trying to do and i'm sorry if i do it wrong. I saw that you want to live as an artist and that's a pretty cool idea, actualy my family live on this way.
    Anyway, i can understand that you don't like where you live and ect.. I feel the same, i never really find the place to be. I can see you're sick of your current life and i don't know what is your feeling at this moment, maybe you're feel like you had done nothing or you are not living your life in the way you want, but one advice i can tell you and that helped me a lot it's to travel, it change your mind, you can meet a lof of new peoples you can find the peace mind. like to walk the night alone on a mountain and see the sunshine raising or to see and caress an animal you never expected, a bunch of thing like that.
    Anyway, if you need to talk with someone, i'm here :), you're an interesting person and it would be a pleasure to discuss with you.

    PS : sorry for my english, i'm french :)
     
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