Where do I begin

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by WlkThruMyMind, Nov 19, 2012.

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  1. WlkThruMyMind

    WlkThruMyMind New Member

    I found this forum just searching on the internet. I have to say I am pretty fed up with life, but I dont think at this point I am ready to off myself. That being said, it crosses my mind to many times a day for me to count, and I dont like that thought or feeling. Where do I begin?

    First off, I am a 37 year old male. I have a son, but I am divorced. I have been dealing with pain and depressions as long as I can remember. I even remember being like ten years old and holding a knife to my wrist crying. I have had some ups in life, but mostly downs and I just want a normal, happy life (whatever that is, and if it even exists)

    I was born to parents who only stayed together because of me. They slept in different rooms, and kids used to make jokes about it. They fought all the time, and my dad was a drunk. He didnt pyshically abuse me, but the verbal abuse and mental abandoment towards me didnt help shape me in a good way. I was also the prodigy of the family, one that included 3 other cousins around the same age. I was the smartest, and was supposed to be the first in the family to make it big and successful. The problem with that was the pressure, and if I even got one B, then that was the end of the world to them all.

    I then got to high school, and I was still battling depression over my childhood. I was being taught things I already knew and got bored. Needless to say I started hanging with the wrong crowd, and smoking pot, which led to other drugs, and selling them as well. I wound up dropping out of school, and caught two felonies for selling drugs. I then began to have anxiety attacks really badly, which is a blessing and a curse, as they are bad, but at least they made me stop using drugs because they were causing them. I tried to go back to school at this time, but I just couldnt find motivation. I had many relationships with girls, but they all failed.

    Finally I met the woman I would marry. We broke up off and on a million times, and finally after 7 years of a rock relationship she was pregnant and we decided to get married. Big mistake. She held everything over my head because she had life handed to her, and I did not. Plus, I could not find a decent job because no one would give me one because of my felonies even though I had been clean and straight arrowed for a decade. She did not appreciate anything I did, and even when I did do what she wanted me to do, she still wasnt satisfied. This drove my depression deeper and deeper. I just wanted a normal, happy family. All I got was us being my parents which is something I would never put my son through, so I left. It was the hardest thing I ever did, and all I wanted to do was work it out and her change and treat me right and like an equal. Needless to say, that never happened.

    I was 36 now and living back with my mom. I was clean, but I just didnt want to live no more. Everything always falls apart. My dreams always get ruined or dashed. No one gives me a chance. Friends come and go like the wind, even though I am there for all of them all the time, and at the drop of a hat I help them out in anyway I can. Same goes for my family. I think I have the greatest and most fun family of all time, and thats not bias, but everytime I go around them, I feel uncomfortable like the black sheep, and I feel like a disappointment to them and my parents.

    Right after the divorce, I lost my father, and then lost my job as well. All of this in less then a month. It just keeps piling on. I finally ran away (if you can call it that at 37) to a friends house in Oklahoma to get away. I felt like I was getting better, and being away from all those triggers was really helping. Then my ex got a hold of me, and acted like she wanted to work it out. It was all a ploy to get me back here to help with my son. I had raised him and was the stay at home dad forever, and I still called him, and all child support paid. I just needed a break so I went away for awhile. But feeling better, and wanting that normal life, I came back trying to save my family only to realize it was just to get me back here and she never had the intention of getting back with me. Again, my heart was crushed.

    I battled and battled the sadness and the hurt for a year. I also found out I am in not good health, with a lot of things out of whack in my body. But I kept pushing, barely able to get up a lot of days, and crying at least 4 times a week which made me feel worse because I am a man and thats just our pride thing. I got back in school, which is a positive, and I tried to just plug through. Then I rekindled a relationship with my high school sweetheart, and I finally felt everything was going great. But all of a sudden that just felt apart, and I truly feel I was just being used to take care of her and so she would have someone there . She basically treated me like the exwife and did not appreciate me, and my feelings and heart didnt meant anything and it was all about her.

    So once again I am alone, and I hate it so much. I just am no good alone. Its to much time to think and dwell on everything and my past which was total crap, my present which is the same, and I look at the future and I just dont see a way out of all of this. It weighs me down so much, and I have broke down in tears so much this last week, and my anxiety is back, and I am a mess. I keep getting up though, and even finished the rest of my school work for the rest of this semester so I could get that stress off my back. But just like last year, the holidays are coming up which means more time with family where I am uncomfortable, and where everyone has someone but me. I am without my family I wish I had and worked out with my exwife and son. I have to pass my son back and forth, and i hate that his life isnt stable which sucks because I never want him to ever feel the pain I have felt. I am thinking of going away again In Febuary. I would go now, but I coach my sons basketball team, and I am committed to that no matter how hard my days are, and to be honest, its about the only thing at this point that makes me genuinely smile.

    I just dont know what to do. I think about dying everyday, and like some others I have read, sometimes I wish I just wouldnt wake up. I love my son, and I dont want to leave him or do that to him, and I try to fight these feelings and push on for him if nothing else. But thats not fair to me either. I cant imagine going through this life miserable and sad and crying every other day for another 30 years. I have been doing it so long....something just has to give. I keep fighting, but I am starting to believe its a losing fight, and eventually that day will come when I cant take it no more, and that part scares me. I have never tried, and probably am to much of a pussy to even try, but to feel like there is no hope and have those thoughts run through your mind all day is more then I can handle anymore.

    I am a good person with a huge heart, and its broken in so many pieces. Some from others, and some from my own mistakes and doing. I have made such a mess of this life, and I feel everytime I try to dig out of it, it keeps piling more on top. I dont see a way out of this mess. I came here so I could hear other stories, get advice, find someone to talk to who wont judge me and actually understands me. Like I said, I am a good person, I am cute, I am highly inteligent, I am funny, I am creative (a writer), I am a good father (most the time when I am not in my own head sad), and I am good to all my friends and family. Why cant I be happy? Why cant I have a normal life? Why do I got to feel like this all the time? And why do people keep breaking my heart, using me, or not giving a crap about me when I am a good guy? I just dont understand. And the ones that try to help all say the same thing, ohhhh, youll be fine just give it time. Well I have gave it 37 years, Ive gave it time. Or they say, look at others that have it worse then you. Well, that dont fix my damn problems, and if anything ,I am compassionate and it makes me feel bad for them and like a jerk that I am so miserable when they got it worse then me. I hate that statement the most.

    So here I am...for what exactly I do not know. But hopefully I can find some kind of answer, or peace through this. I know just typing all this lets some of it out, but I am hoping this site can provide something that I cannot find here in my world. This really is the short condensed version of my miserable life if you can believe that, I could go on for days and add a lot more, but I have already wrote a novel here. (I am a writer after all, just habit) So , I guess HELLO and i am going to look around ,and I cant wait to hear from some of you. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Welcome to SF! I can certainly understand that many things are all piling up and making you feel overwhelmed. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. As you get to know people on the site, you will find that you are not alone in your situation or struggle - everyone's is a little different as we are all unique, but there are things that people will relate to. I know that we can offer support and you might make some new friends here too - no one will judge you for your feelings, either! Welcome!
     
  3. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to SF WTMM - as I read your story I felt I was walking though your mind, thank you for sharing your story with us, you have a great writing gift and express yourself very well. I can tell that you are what you say you are in the positive light - you still have good self esteem and a caring heart, and those are very great advantages - and of course you are a loving Dad to your son. [I have a son who is divorced with a son, and he means the world to him - he is what has made an adult out of my boy1 :)]

    There is huge hope out there ready and waiting to enter :) First of all, this site is a very caring place, where people will not judge you and you will find tons of support and encouragement and strength. This has been my experience anyway, and I know there are many who appreciate being here too. It is possible to turn things around, even looking at the mess you feel has happened - will be very willing to help. First thought, if you Google "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus - it could be a first step - towards the concept of becoming hopeful again
     
  4. WlkThruMyMind

    WlkThruMyMind New Member

    Thanks for your replies. I kept checking on here to see if anyone replied, and it kind of bummed me out that there wasnt any for a few hours. I dont know what I expected, but it is nice to know someone read what I wrote, and there are people here. Life is tough right now, but I keep pushing someway and somehow, but it is really hard most days. What is the best way to use this site and its resources? What has worked for others? Just reaching out here was a big step for me, but I knew I needed to get with people who understood me. Most the people I know, they listen and say they are there, but they dont really get it. I also dont believe they know how serious it is and how much pain I truly feel. I feel like it is banging my head against a wall to get them to see and understand half the time. I called a suicide hotline once, a year ago. I wasnt ready to do it, but it was on my mind constantly at the time, kind of like now. Funny thing is, the girl was real nice. The problem was, she was getting off her shift and asked if I could call tomorrow. You want to talk about frustrated. I am here calling a suicide hotline, spilling my guts, having a breakdown, and I gotta call you back because your shift is over? I had never felt unimportant as I did at that moment. From them on, I kept it inside the best I could and stopped relying on others or reaching out. Needless to say, that did not work so good. I need people who understand, and listen, and have been there. I sure hope I can find that here.
     
  5. youRprecious!

    youRprecious! Antiquities Friend

    Well, I certainly know how THAT feels, WTMM - that people have their own agendas and their own priorities and will "fit you in" when it is convenient to them, lol!! My PM Inbox is open at anytime, day or night and will reply as soon as I see a message.
    Other than that, yes, sometimes, there is not a lot of traffic here, and things can seem to move rather slowly. Please don't let this be a worry to you - it's just how it is, but it does not mean that people do not care - it's just part of the "on-line" experience and we are a community of people battling too, but we all do desire to help share our stories and insights and ways we have found through the obstacles and mazes of our lives :) Looking forward very much to getting to know you :)
     
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