Where do I begin???

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by moonshadegold, Oct 15, 2011.

  1. moonshadegold

    moonshadegold New Member

    In december of 2008 I lost my father to Dementia. I was married at the time to a man in the US Navy. Turns out he was being unfaithful to me on more than one occasion. He also stole things and treated me bad.

    Needless to say, I had to move back in with my mother and am getting a divorce. My mom has not dealt well with my father's passing even though it is now 2011. The divorce combined with everything else has been just overwhelming.

    I use to self-harm and stopped thanks to therapy but its been a couple of months since I've had therapy and the thoughts have returned. So far I have been two years free from self-harm.

    I have insomnia, probably depression and GAD which I'm sure of. I have no medical insurance. I have no money. I can't afford to rush to the hospital just because there is no way I could pay for the medical bills that I would incur.

    My mom during this time period has gone from being a kind, understanding person who at times may be annoying, complaining and tries to use me as a therapist but is still there for me...TO a bitter nasty person who is unsympathetic to my suicidal thoughts, self-harm thoughts, depression or anxiety.

    I receive no emotional support from her at all now. I am trying to learn to detach emotionally from my mother but its hard. I want to move out but can't find a job...that would get me money enough to afford an apartment. I do not have a friend I could stay with either.

    I want to get help. I want a therapist and psychiatrist. I'm willing to take medication if necessary but I do not have the money to do so.

    I am feeling like my situation is hopeless and I feel helpless. I guess these are indicators of depression or something. I do pray and I have been trying to cope but I'm not getting anywhere on my own.

    I have tried to be strong for so long for everybody but I can't do it anymore. Most of all I can't do it for my mother. She needs to deal with her feelings in a different way instead of expecting me to fix her. I never asked her to fix me only be supportive, understanding and listen to me when I need her help. If that's too much to ask of my mother then I will try to find someone or something else.

    The thought of slicing my skin is really appealing to me lately as I can't kill myself and drinking/drugs is a no go.

    I really wish I wasn't alive anymore sometimes because all I do is suffer. I endured emotional abuse both from my mom and my ex-husband. He also use to whip me against my will.

    I don't see how anything will change and I feel like nobody is listening to me. Nobody acknowledges my pain or just sits with me and listens. All I feel is pain and despair. I just want this suffering to end.
     
  2. musicalpsycho

    musicalpsycho Active Member

    I'm sorry. I can't begin to imagine the combination of emotions you're having to deal with but one of the things I do understand is pain. I have to stay alive for my family's sake which is why I haven't ended things for me. But when I do get that urge to take my penknife to my arm, I try to go and do something else instead, something I enjoy. It's so difficult but it's worth it because then I don't have to cover up my arms in public as often and I generally feel better. If there's no one else you can talk to about this stuff, then talk to me or the other people here. We are going through depression and other mental illnesses too so we understand and will be more than happy to listen and help anyway we can until you get another job and can get professional help.
     
  3. moonshadegold

    moonshadegold New Member

    Thanks. I unfortunately did cut the s'morning. I am disappointed in myself for doing it. I guess I was testing to see if the cut would feel good like it use to. This time however it just felt painful and I was like how did this ever feel good? I guess that's an positive thing then that I don't enjoy it at all?

    I'm gunna try your suggestion maybe playing a video game or watching a movie, two things I really enjoy, when the feeling strikes will help.

    I'm trying to reach out to the people I know personally in my location but its been rough. They only want to see what they want to see. Know what I mean?

    I sometimes wish I could just not feel at all so that way nothing would hurt and this pain inside would just stop.

    I havent' ended my life, too, because people need me around and I don't want to cause the kind of pain I feel on someone else who I care about.

    Also the thought of the physical pain to end my life...it sounds really scary and what if I fail...then I'll end up with a mark on my mental health records, maybe end up in a mental hospital and possibly loose people close to me because they fear my sanity.

    I don't want to have that happen that's why I haven't ended it. I just want my suffering to end. I just want to be heard, acknowledged, comforted and loved.

    I want this suffering in my heart to stop. I don't know where to begin but I guess coming here is a step in the right direction.