In december of 2008 I lost my father to Dementia. I was married at the time to a man in the US Navy. Turns out he was being unfaithful to me on more than one occasion. He also stole things and treated me bad. Needless to say, I had to move back in with my mother and am getting a divorce. My mom has not dealt well with my father's passing even though it is now 2011. The divorce combined with everything else has been just overwhelming. I use to self-harm and stopped thanks to therapy but its been a couple of months since I've had therapy and the thoughts have returned. So far I have been two years free from self-harm. I have insomnia, probably depression and GAD which I'm sure of. I have no medical insurance. I have no money. I can't afford to rush to the hospital just because there is no way I could pay for the medical bills that I would incur. My mom during this time period has gone from being a kind, understanding person who at times may be annoying, complaining and tries to use me as a therapist but is still there for me...TO a bitter nasty person who is unsympathetic to my suicidal thoughts, self-harm thoughts, depression or anxiety. I receive no emotional support from her at all now. I am trying to learn to detach emotionally from my mother but its hard. I want to move out but can't find a job...that would get me money enough to afford an apartment. I do not have a friend I could stay with either. I want to get help. I want a therapist and psychiatrist. I'm willing to take medication if necessary but I do not have the money to do so. I am feeling like my situation is hopeless and I feel helpless. I guess these are indicators of depression or something. I do pray and I have been trying to cope but I'm not getting anywhere on my own. I have tried to be strong for so long for everybody but I can't do it anymore. Most of all I can't do it for my mother. She needs to deal with her feelings in a different way instead of expecting me to fix her. I never asked her to fix me only be supportive, understanding and listen to me when I need her help. If that's too much to ask of my mother then I will try to find someone or something else. The thought of slicing my skin is really appealing to me lately as I can't kill myself and drinking/drugs is a no go. I really wish I wasn't alive anymore sometimes because all I do is suffer. I endured emotional abuse both from my mom and my ex-husband. He also use to whip me against my will. I don't see how anything will change and I feel like nobody is listening to me. Nobody acknowledges my pain or just sits with me and listens. All I feel is pain and despair. I just want this suffering to end.