I've never been on this kind of site before but it's come to my attention as of late that I do need help, I am a child molestation survivor who had to watch for yeas as my mother unknowingly dated a rapist, during this time I lived a lie, trying to hide what was happening and putting on a 'poker face' through my entire childhood, I was only six when it began, finally it came out into the open and now he's in prison, but every night... when I try and sleep all I can see is that monster, grinning at me, as if he knows he still runs a huge part of my mind. He's been out of the picture for around six years now and since then I have met my biological dad and he married my mom so things have gotten better, but lately, I just can't stop thinking about the past, I've had mental break downs and in the six years since the other man has been in prison I have attempted suicide multiple times, of course failing each time which just makes me even angrier at myself. My school career was no better, my entire school life was spent with false friends and people who loved taking a shot at the fat girl with zits and glasses, I only had one real friend in the world and I'm thankful for her each day, but she's a Junior this year so I don't get to talk to her much anymore, my so called friends that graduated with me have basically disowned me so I have no one outside of school, my boyfriend left me for another man (I'm a girl mind you), and I'm scared to bug my family with these thoughts, but I just want this to end, all the suffering and hardships, I want to just crawl into a dark corner and just let go, be free of this world... but I'm too scared of it, to leave my little bother in this world alone, after all I've said to him about keeping going even when things get rough. I try and be the happy one, the girl who's head is always up high and who's always trying to crack a joke just to see someone smile sometimes even at my own expense. I just want to feel like a normal person, one who can wake up each morning, look in the mirror, and smile about my life. Thanks for allowing me to post and thank you even more for reading this.