Where do I begin....

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Whitelupine, Oct 11, 2012.

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  1. Whitelupine

    Whitelupine New Member

    I've never been on this kind of site before but it's come to my attention as of late that I do need help, I am a child molestation survivor who had to watch for yeas as my mother unknowingly dated a rapist, during this time I lived a lie, trying to hide what was happening and putting on a 'poker face' through my entire childhood, I was only six when it began, finally it came out into the open and now he's in prison, but every night... when I try and sleep all I can see is that monster, grinning at me, as if he knows he still runs a huge part of my mind.

    He's been out of the picture for around six years now and since then I have met my biological dad and he married my mom so things have gotten better, but lately, I just can't stop thinking about the past, I've had mental break downs and in the six years since the other man has been in prison I have attempted suicide multiple times, of course failing each time which just makes me even angrier at myself.

    My school career was no better, my entire school life was spent with false friends and people who loved taking a shot at the fat girl with zits and glasses, I only had one real friend in the world and I'm thankful for her each day, but she's a Junior this year so I don't get to talk to her much anymore, my so called friends that graduated with me have basically disowned me so I have no one outside of school, my boyfriend left me for another man (I'm a girl mind you), and I'm scared to bug my family with these thoughts, but I just want this to end, all the suffering and hardships, I want to just crawl into a dark corner and just let go, be free of this world... but I'm too scared of it, to leave my little bother in this world alone, after all I've said to him about keeping going even when things get rough.

    I try and be the happy one, the girl who's head is always up high and who's always trying to crack a joke just to see someone smile sometimes even at my own expense. I just want to feel like a normal person, one who can wake up each morning, look in the mirror, and smile about my life.

    Thanks for allowing me to post and thank you even more for reading this.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun hard to wear that mask isn't hun one get so tired of pretending. You hun deserve to heal now ok You mother and father would want to help you through all this
    TAlk to someone hun ok your parents if not a councillor. With help hun that monster will go away for good and not haunt you.
    Just remember hun you are someone so very special and you are important get the courage hun like you have done here to reach out in real life to get help to finally heal hugs
  3. Whitelupine

    Whitelupine New Member

    Thank you for your kind words, I hope to get there some day, I might not be on solid ground, but I can kind of see the shore.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope too hun you reach out to your parents as a parent i would do anything for my daughter and have she was abused too so please hun give your parents a chance to help you
    I don't know if you can still press charges against him but if you can i would keep him away from other children being harmed but that is only if and when you get courage to get help hugs hun
  5. liamthomas

    liamthomas Member

    It's great you talk about it and get it out of your mind, I am 46 year old male and had sicko uncle, it caused me pain and doubt about myself for years, but I did get past it had many great years in my twenties and thirties, but the depression is back now in my 40's for different reasons which is why I am here. I can tell you what helped me more than anything was forgiving myself, for years I blamed myself because of what I didn't do, that I was scared and shocked and just let it happen, but that is all wrong. High school years are so confusing, people aren't false friends they just haven't figured themselves out yet and become unintentional idiots, when you look back you'll realize as much. Again forgive your peers so you can find happiness and move forward. You are not alone and very normal, thanks for your post and reading my reply.:cheerful:
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