First of all, My Name is Natalie I'm 25 I'm new to the board. so Hi everybody. I'm having a really bed meltdown. I question existance as it is, but where do i belong? and does it really matter if i'm here or not? I've been told I'm a good person to talk to, I've been told I'm a good person, But i don't listen to the advice I give. I just feel like my whole life will be spent trying to redeem myself for people that will never see my worth. I just don't think the pain is worth it anymore. I can't see a light I can't see a future. I just feel like i'm too fucked, too broken to ever fix. too alienated and isolated to relate to anyone. too strange in too many ways for anyone to ever understand me. The one person in the world that came close to understanding me is virtually gone. the only thing I ever wanted growing up was love. I couldn't wait to fall in love. I';ve went through my share of relationships, before I finally found it. i thought it was pure , I thought it was true, but so many people were trying to break us up, so many girls wanted him and so many guys wanted me. we knew eachother scince 1999 which is longer than any of my current freinds have known me. I knew him in highschool. we both had crushes on eachother. we would run into eachother every now and then until we started dating in 2006. we thought alike in alot of ways . Not only was he my heart, my love, he was my best freind. I didn't realize that he was an alcholic, but things spun pout of control he became insulting and abusive and we weren't moving on. I left him last week for the safety of myself and my son. A son who's real father shot himself....and now i don't feel like i have anyone in my life that cares. I thought he cared about me, I love him but he needs to straighten out. I've been alternating between bulemia and anorexia scince I was 16. this has caused my family alot of anger, but i'll get to that later.when i graduated high school i was lazy unmotivated. I moved in with my boyfreind at the time..2 years later i got pregnant. then I got motivated to better my life. I left my boyfreind and lived in a shelter. i got a social worker who helped me find a job and an apartment. then i got a better job. and it seemed like i had everything i could want. A nice apartment , a job that paid for everything i could need or want, I was going to school. I had everything, but i would go on huge shopping sprees because i was lonely. i'd find excuses to buy this or that and it would make me feel really good about myself, until I would come home to an empty apartment. i wanted love. I just wanted that someone special. Then I met a guy. after that it seemed like my world came to shambles once again. I lost my job and my apartment and ended up moving back in with my mother. 9 months later that guy and i broke up. shortly after that I got another job and a new car and after running into " T ", my highschool crush i decided to give dating a try again. I was skeptical, but i ended up falling for him so hard. I loved everything about him, and know now that i didnt know what love was until we were together. Early into the relationship, i relized he was an alcoholic. ok, no big deal i thought, until his behavior got increasingly worse. The things that he would say I won't repeat because they would make you cringe. he said the most horrible horrible things about me and i would cry everynight. then eventually it turned abusive. he would do crazy things like waking up in the middle of the night to accuse me of cheating on him then he would choke me or push me into things. things got really abusive in every way possible. then things started to lighten up, so I stayed with him and then it became a roller coaster, and I've noticed that i've lost everything and love isn't going to fix it. I';ve let him take the best of me with nothing left to show, no job, no car, virtually no freinds. etc . I left him a week ago and i still love him through everything weve been through the bad and the good, but i need to focus on what's best for my son. my son doesn't deserve to be in a filthy house . My son doesn't need to see his mother being pushed into a bookshelf. SO now I'm staying with my sister and her family and my mother, both which i feel hate me because of my bulemia anorexia. it disgusts them and sometimes they see peices of food in the toliet because it comes back up after I flush, but they don't understand that it';s a disease. I also screwed up my life. with losing my jobs and my 2 cars and i have a son to raise which i'm not even technically raising anymore. my mother is because i cannot afford to . and i still have not been able to get back on my feet scince 2006. I try to do the right thing but something always goes horribly wrong. I'm at a pivitol point in my life and though 25 is not as old as 30. i can feel 30 breathing down my neck. It's now or it's never. I'm joining the navy to better my life. but my family is still talking about me behind my back. I just want someone to believe in me. my freinds never come around anymore, my son hates me and thinks of me more as a sibling i think then a mother. my mother does not respect my decisions as a parent and her decisions override mine. I cant say or do anything about it because i'm not in a position to do so. I've been rehabilitating myself. sleeping, trying to eat SAfe foods like sauerkraut or spinch and skim milk to get my strength up. i've also been studying for the asvab test. I try to call my freinds but they're never home. I've lost my freinds over the course of my relationship with "T". I just feel like cracking like breaking down and I have NOBODY. What should I do? I just feel like ending it. i just want to die.