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Where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Cardboard, Nov 12, 2008.

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  1. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    What should I do next? 2 days ago I attempted to take my life (I was stopped by my SO before any physical harm was done). I'm at a loss at how to continue living, I dont know what to do, how to have fun, how to enjoy myself.
    My main issue is that in half an hour I'm going to see my SO for the first time since I tried to take my life. I've talked to them on the phone, it went well, but I'm nervous to the point of breaking down right now because I dont know how its going to go. I dont know what to say or what to do, people say I'm not me right now, so how can I tell them anything if its not me? I dont want to lie to them, but I dont know how I feel about them, I dont know how I feel about anyone. They love me and I dont know what to say if they ask if I do too, I dont want to break their heart again. (My first try with anti-depressants caused me to feel distant from everyone, which I told them and they took personally). I really just dont know what to do.
  2. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member


    Welcome to SF.

    The thing that really stood out for me in your post was that people took it personally when you said you felt distant. That's not your fault. I think there is still a stigma attached to mental health issues. you have to find the medication that works for you. if your SO cares about you, they will support you all the way. there's no shame in asking for support or help.

    Make yourself at home here, theres a lot of caring people here on SF.

    Hope it goes well

    My Best
  3. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    Thanks Kenny.

    I was really worried that I had hurt them too much and that they would not want anything to do with me after what happened. But thankfully that was not the case yesterday. We sat down and talked about what happened and how we both felt about it. And it turns out that they care and love me enough to continue to be with me, even while I'm not in the best frame of mind. It was nice to hear that and know that they would still be there tomorrow. There still are some wounds to heal from that night, but overall things are good between us.:smile:
    Although this went well and some good came out of it, I still feel really upset and just messed up. My emotions are never consistent, I move from frustration, to sadness, to nothing at random. And the worst part is I still feel slightly distant from people and those who I should love (family) I dont feel it. I hate not feeling anything for people. I dont think its the medication this time because the new stuff is supposed to take a couple weeks to take full effect, why cant I feel?
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    You've had a lot happen, and feeling up and down and distant from people is your brain's way of trying to help you cope - not take in or take on too much at one time. The sense of not being able to feel for others will return when you begin to feel better. :smile:

    Underneath the numbness, I'm sure you do love your friends and family. It's just that right now, your whole system is trying to get you to rest. Give yourself time for the meds to kick in and keep working with your SO and support network. They all will help. And you can always post here, too. :mellow:

    Please stay safe. :hug:
  5. andyc68

    andyc68 Guest

    just take small steps, you need time and patience to find your way thru this.

    lean on your friends n family to support you, keep on talking to those who you trust.
    you will never be alone.
  6. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    Thanks guys, having people outside of my family and friends who care is actually really nice.
    I have a quick question, I got home late last night and went straight to bed which meant that I forgot to take my anti-depressants. I took my pill this morning as soon as I realized that I forgot to take them. Will this mess anything up? According to my doctor the ones that I am on right now will take a few weeks to take effect and work gradually, so I'm hoping that I didnt mess anything up too much.
  7. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    you should be ok.

    some people prefer to take their ADs first thing in the morning, others last thing at night. see what works best for you

    best of luck and take care :smile:
  8. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Some antidepressants are linked to increased thoughts of suicide ironically.
  9. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    Thanks again!
    I'm hoping that it will be alright, I really hope I didnt mess anything up beacue I really want my ADs to kick in sooner rather than later. Then I might be able to function without feeling like crap all of the time. Oh well, I've got an appointment with a therapest in 3 days, I'll just try to pass the time until then.
  10. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    what's your point? I don't think it's relevant to the discussion at this point

    it's well known that this can happen anyway.

    Anyway cardboard, best thing to do is to monitor how you feel and look out for potential trigger points. Unfortunately pretty much all Antidepressants take time to take effect, so there's no quick fix. Do look out for side-effects. What AD have you been given? most of them have similar sexual dysfunctional side effects, such as loss of libido, erectile/orgasm difficulties. others may cause sweats, nausea at first. Hang in there, and see how you get on.
  11. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    Well I was on Remeron at first, but that went badly (part of what caused my suicide attempt) but now I'm on Citalopram, which targets Serotonin rather then everything like the other one did. I had a bit of an anxiety attack last night, woke up at 3 and stayed awake until 5, but other than that it was alright. But I'm going to be MUCH more careful from now on and remember to take my ADs on time.
  12. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    I'm on Citalopram, maximum dosage (60mg) so I can relate. it's not the worst for side effects, but its not ideal

    Hang in there mate
  13. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you had an attack. please don't do anything to harm yourself again.
  14. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    Sorry to hear you had an attack. please don't do anything to harm yourself again.
  15. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    They have me on 10mg half tablets right now, but in a little while their looking to increase the dose to 20mg. The doctor put me on a low dose because of how quickly and badly I reacted to the other stuff, he didn't want a repeat.

    Today will be my second trip to my therapist, I'm really unsure about going. Its not that I dont like them, I'm just having trouble trusting them. Plus when I was there last I left with the impression that she didn't know what to do with / for me. I'm hoping that I'm wrong, but in any case it leaves me feeling uncomfortable.
    I'm probably taking things too personally, but I cant help it because I woke up this morning, after a mostly sleepless night, and I feel like crap. I'm nervous, upset with myself about something and part of me doesnt want to live anymore.
  16. kenny

    kenny Well-Known Member

    best of luck. let us know how it goes

  17. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    i was on zoloft 50mg they took about 10days to start working.
    I found that writing in a diary helped me with my feelings, and it also shows me what could trigger my sadness at times adn then i can look back and remove the source of those feelings, if all that made sense.
    If you are uncomfortable ask if you can go to a different therapist/counsellor.
    Talk to the people you trust and in time you will start feeling better.

    Love Kirsty
    GildedFlowers likes this.
  18. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Cardboard,
    I was told when I started AD's that they take up to six weeks before they start helping. Just keep taking them. If you miss a dose and it's a while before you take your next one go ahead and take it. If it's close to your next one then just wait and you will get back on schedule.
    If your gut is telling you that you don't trust the therapist your with then ask for another one. Usually when you start seeing one they ask alot of questions because your answers help them set a treatment plan for you. So don't be afraid and give them a chance to set things up. I wish you well!~Joseph~
  19. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    I tried to kill myself again. I woke up this morning with very little sleep and felt like shit, and I progressively felt worse until I felt like I didnt want to live anymore. I still feel a little like this, but thats beside the point. I then filled up a bathtub with water and sent a goodbye text to my SO and proceeded to try and drown myself. But every time my nose and mouth filled up with water and I had no more oxygen in my lungs, I came back up for air. My body always resurfaced, but I wanted to die. I feel like everything hurts too much and the pain I face everyday becomes overwhelming and I just want it to stop and go away. After my fourth attempt at drowning, my SO called and made me see her. I feel a little better now, she called my family and doctor and told them what was up. But I still hurt and I still wish it could stop. The only good thing that came of today is I now know I have to combine pills and a bathtub to get the desired effect.
  20. Cardboard

    Cardboard Member

    Ok, I'm more messed up now than I was before, but I thought of something that I need to share so that people know which will make me responsible to keep my promise.
    The background on this is that after my last attempt I've noticed a change in my SO, its starting to feel like I'm loosing her and thats the last thing I want to have happen! I care a lot about her, when I'm in the worst of worst moods and it feels like nothing can get worse, the thought of loosing her puts me right over the edge.

    So I am now promising myself and everyone who reads this that I will not try to kill myself anymore, no matter how bad it gets, because I want her back and to do so I cannot be dead.
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