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Where do I go from here?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ajwebb23, Oct 3, 2009.

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  1. ajwebb23

    ajwebb23 New Member

    So many things this past year have built up and I don't know how much more I can handle.
    After I had my son I decided to move closer to family and everything has fell apart since. I was able to transfer my job, I got child support, found a nice apartment and was dating a guy who I liked it started out really great.
    Then my sons father decided to stop paying child support, he found a girlfriend he needed money so he could take her out. When that happened money got really tight but I made it work. I even found a higher paying job. Then one month I couldn't make the bills and I never got caught up. I ended up getting evicted from my apartment but that was okay, just something minor I could handle. I had to move back in with my mom and I couldn't find a closer job so I drove an hour and a half each way to work. Things were good for a little while then my son started calling my mom "mama" I got up with him in the mornings and spent a hour with him before I had to leave for work and he was in bed before I got home. But that was okay it was only for a little while until I found a closer job. The week I moved I was looking at the phone bill that my boyfriend and I shared and I noticed he was on the phone at odd hours with one person so I called that person, turns out she was his girlfriend too. It sucked but stuff like that happens everyday so it wasn't too bad. At least my bills were getting caught up Then I wrecked my car. I was thinking about things while driving and wasn't paying attention and rear ended a truck. My insurance had lapsed a couple of months earlier and I hadn't got it caught up yet (I was $50 short)and they refused to pay for it. My hours at work were slowly getting cut and money was getting really tight again. Often I had to borrow money from my mom because my paycheck barely covered the $100 a week in gas and the babysitter. Then one day after spending 15 hours a day away because of work for a long time and being broke got to me and my manager said something smart to me and I told him off and got fired. Which I admit was my fault but I just couldn't take it anymore, I missed my baby most of all. That was in June. Around the same time I met a guy, we dated and it wasn't anything really serious but we agreed to not date other people. Things went good for a little while but then I saw the wedding announcement in the paper, he had gotten married. His wedding day was 2 days after our last date. I've been looking for a job since I lost mine with no luck. I decided to go back to school this fall and I thought that would be a good thing. But now I'm trying to do my school work but I don't have the money to get my books so I don't know how I'm going to make it. Financial aid paid for school but not books. My car with the smashed in front finally gave up and stopped working. Thankfully I can take most of my classes online so I don't have to quit school yet. It just seems like for the past few months everything has come crashing down.
    Right now I spend all day every day at home with my 2 year old. I don't have the money to go anywhere and even when I just want to go somewhere that's free like the park I catch hell for it because if I don't have any money I don't need to go anywhere (according to my mom). I only have one friend in town and I can't even go hang out with them because I catch hell for leaving my son with my mom and I don't have the money to pay anyone else. She gets mad if I mention asking my sister if she will watch him. We also don't like the same TV shows so I stay in my room when I'm watching TV, which she also gets mad about because I should be in the living room with my son, but when I'm in there she gets mad because we make too much noise and she can't hear the TV. Its like no matter what I do I get fussed at. I already feel like shit because I can't even afford to buy my son diapers, I have to ask for money to go get them. I just feel so isolated from the world and I'm trapped.
    I live in a small town and there aren't many people my age as it is and most are married. I only have one person who I talk to and I don't want to bother them with all my problems all the time. I can't go anywhere or do anything. I'm so stressed out about money and I'm always alone.I've even gained 40lbs in the past 5 months. I cry myself to sleep most nights. Its like the harder I try to get out of this hole the deeper I go.
    What scares me the most is I've even thought about suicide. Thankfully every time I start to think that's the way out I remember the only thing that makes me happy. My little guy. I couldn't do that to him. The only thing that keeps me going is not wanting to leave him here and have people treat him like they do me. He deserves better than that.
    I can't just take off and take a couple of days to myself, I can't afford to move, I just don't know what to do.
    Really I guess this is just more of a vent but if anyone has any advice I'm open to hearing it.
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Wow, this is a lot that you have been through and I'm glad you can post it here. Keep coming back and letting it out. That's one of the ways we find perspective. You will also find suggestions to try.

    Is there a mother's group in your area where mothers get together and brings the kids too? If not maybe you can start one. You all can meet at the park and it can be kept cost free.

    In this economy, finding a job is very hard. We're all in the same boat and we muddle through as best we can.

  3. Mr A and the sky pilots

    Mr A and the sky pilots Active Member

    Hi First of all I feel very sorry for you. SECOND.. Its time for your EX to own up to his responsibilities, my step mother is from the USA and in a USA small claims court filed a case against her ex husband (living in another country) and when he visited famly in the USA the police arrested him and ordered him to pay. He was kept in a cell until he could come up with the money and agree future installments. And he didnt even live in the USA any more!

    Get a day off work and file against him, because its all on your side, and money will be back dated, so get on top of it.

    Spend time with your son in your room, go for walks with him, pick a speical place locally and make it yours and his, he will remember that place forever. Carve your names in a tree, send paper boats down a stream, fly a kite, and talk..

    Write down whats going on with your life and how your struggleing because of his father, and one day when hes older, he will understand some more. Because he fathers not intrested now, but when hes a young man he will be back and will blame you as they do.

    You need to open up to your friend more, they might have some answers too.
  4. ajwebb23

    ajwebb23 New Member

    I do have a court order (as of July)for child support from his dad. The state will not do anything to him until he is $500 behind for at least 3 months. He only has to pay $220 a month so its going to be a while before they do anything about it.
    I can't find a job here. I literally went thru the phone book and have applied at every retail, fast food place and factory, I have applied at banks and the hospital and the smell of the hospital makes me ill. But I would work there if they'd hire me.
    The closest park to me is 11 miles away. I took my son all the time til I had to start asking my mom for gas money and she started getting mad about it. Then my car messed up and I can't go anywhere unless she goes with me in her car.
    I just hate being stuck in my room all day.
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