where do i start?this may be long,im sorry.

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i dont know if this post willmake much sense, this is the first time ive come in here to the rape/abuse section of this site.i have posts in the depression and suicide forums but have never been able to bring myself to click on this forum......until now.my dad was never at home much until he left the army, he was in the equivalent of special forces so was away atleast 9 months of the year.it was down to my mother to bring up me and my two older brothers and to hold down a job at the same time.when i was about 7years old my father was home on leave and we had travelled to see his parents for a week,we also had a house near them aswell as the army owned house.when dad was home him and mom used to go out together and sometimes leave me and my brothers at home,not for long mind you,just a couple of hours.my eldest brother was 5 years older than me so was capable of looking after me and my other brother who was just a year younger than him.things started off when my eldest brother was in the bath,he would call me in to talk to him and would talk away,chatting to me,and i would notice he had moved all the bubbles from his groin area.this went on for months,i just thought it was me noticing it and he had done it by accident,blaming myself i guess.one day when mom and dad were out i was in my bedroom, just playing with toys as any 7 year old does,im not sure how it came about but i remember my brother forcing me on the floor, sitting on me and grinding himself into me.then he started to make me touch him and forced me to do things to him.this all started to happen frequently too,i would shout and scream at him but my other brother, if he was home, just thought we were messing about or fighting and so ignored it.the inevitable happened one day and my brother raped me.damn this is harder than i thought it would be to write about,im nearly crying now just thinking about it.my brother eventually left home to join the army.in the meantime i let all my grades fall, played truant from school, started smoking,drinking,fighting and not caring who got in the way or who got hurt. i even lost my virginity at 11 years old to a girl a few years older.i totally rebelled against everything my family stood for and this continued until the day i left school.what my brother done to me didnt bother me constantly, i guess i tried to forget it happened.i joined the army when i was 16, and im pleased to say i done well for myself. i ended up in a couple of combat situations and found i didnt care about myself,yeah i was scared,anyone who says they arent scared in a situation like that is lying, but i had guys to look after and they came first.i would take a risk so that they didnt have to.i got married at 19 years old but started to become obsessed by death, i took outrageous risks in dangerous situations but being in the army,i was praised for it, nobody,not even me,realised it was because i didnt care for my own life and that i needed help.my wife became pregnant and we had a beautiful baby girl.i swore nothing would ever happen to her to hurt her,she became my life and my world revolved around her when i was at home,although i was still the same idiot when i wasnt there.if i was in a situation then i would convince myself that she was a young baby and wouldnt remember me if something did happen to me.by the time my daughters first birthday came around,my wife left and took my daughter with her,she had been having an affair for 6 months with a drug dealer.i went off the rails,drinking and fighting again,i had given them both everything i could,love,everything,and i mean everything,i even turned down promotions so i could be with them.i soon found out that she had even slept with somebody else on my sister in laws hen night.all the time we had been together she had been sleeping around.i ended up shutting myself away and getting even more,somehow,into trouble.i became a frequent visitor to the police cells and left the army.i drifted a bit,i was in and out of jobs,became involved with drugs,my parents split up but what was worst of all was my dad thought the sun shined out of my brothers backside.to this day he does.anyway,i eventually got back with my wife and we had another daughter.guess what,history repeated itself and my wife done it again,except she went off woth over15 guys on one night stands.i had sort of sorted my act out when i found out,i was an operations manager for a big security firm and was in charge of 147 guys and hundreds of contracts,i had a company car,a work mobile phone and a good salary.again i went off the rails and ended up in court falsely accused of a £1500 theft with my fellow manager.because of this the job went and along with it , the career i'd just spent years building up,right from scratch, right from the bottom of the ladder as a normal security guard looking after places like sites.anger wasnt the name for what i felt,i was in a rage,a rage that would take me to the depths of hell and back again,i overdosed a few times,self harmed,hurt people physically and mentally,took drugs,drank. i didnt need life and i didnt need people.people just hurt you and i ended up hating everybody on the planet, if paople looked at me i would wait til i saw them again in the evening and just batter them,i thought people were talking about me,drawing conclusions about me,they werent but i was paranoid to the extreme.i was cheating on girlfriends all the time, if i was basically being offered sex then i would take it and i didnt even have a second thought for anybody else.this was about me and only me,i was putting myself first for the first time in my life.i met an amazing girl,she was beautiful beyond belief,brainy,great fun to be with and what did i do?she waited for me for 2 years while i just kept screwing up.it all hit me when she ended it.i had to sort myself out and here i am.trying to sort my life out,i dont drink now,i dont do drugs,im on anti depressants and sleeping tablets to help with the nightmares from when i was in the army.all those times i held a gun in the army and the thought never once crossed my mind to shoot myself, to be honest i feel so bad about the things i have done that if i could get a gun now,i would top myself,messy yeah,but quick and easy.that is my honest thought.i have spoken to a psychiatrist and a psychologist about my problems,theyve made me see it stems from my abuse at the hands of my brother.
i have been fighting and getting better,i think,i was on the net the other day and actually spoke to my brother,i swear he remembers none of what happened,he gave me the address for his ''myspace'' page so i thought i would be nosey and have a look.its a real good page i thought,lots of photos,music,memories,even a tribute to my gran and grandad who passed away a few years ago,oh of course there was a photo of his BMW my dad gave him but i thought ''im not gna let it get to me,i have a life to live''.in amongst the photos were a couple of photos of my girls,taken at my dads wedding.i thought it was nice of him to put them on there.
a few nights ago i dreamt he had raped my eldest daughter and i was looking for him.i think i will kill him if i ever see him again,i dont think i can control that part of me,i was trained to do it,ive done it to others during my time in the army and im worried im going to do it to him,just in case.nobody knows what he done to me except the psyche's.but if i end up doing it then atleast i can rest, knowing i got him back for what he done to me.can i control it?can i stop myself?.......just in case he goes near my girls? i honestly dont know,and that is straight from my heart.


SF & Antiquitie's Friend
Staff Alumni
To be honest I don't know what to say, your post has moved me more than I can describe.... you have lost and gained so much in your life.
Your first and everlasting loss was your childhood, your innocence brought about by your brother.
I can understand your anger at him,also your fears for your children but using a gun is not going to solve the problem..
Please talk openly and honestly to your doctor, take all the help you are offered and continue to post on SF where I hope you are finding the understanding and support you need.

Take care Hazel x


Hazel, thankyou.im okay for now, i think my anger came out in the things i was writing about,i found once i had started that i couldnt stop and my fingers couldnt move across the keyboard fast enough.i do have more to my story but thats for another time.im not ready to let it out yet,although some things are in other posts and i didnt want to repeat them.i think i made it long enough reading as it was.thankyou for your comments, some things i just cant write about,yet,but i will,in time,i hope.it helps to write things down and helps even more so when people like yourself reply with kindness and caring comments.atleast i know for now that i will be okay.im trying my hardest to get my life back on track again,im sure you understand that sometimes it just gets hard to carry on fighting.on those days i,like many others,try to lock myself away in my home and get onto this site to try and help other people.that in itself seems to help me.
thankyou again.


Antiquities Friend
Staff Alumni
What a sad sad tale.
How I hate the fact that other people's past actions screw up the lives of their victims while they sail merrily thru life.

You have every reason to be angry, I carried an anger like that for years but, and i know this is hard, if you could find it in yourself to let it go the poison will run out of you.

I forgave someone (an abuser) in my head (he was long dead) and it was like all the anger that had been poisoning me for years just left.
Sometimes I have black moments from the memories, but the hate is long gone and the hate hurt no one but me.

If you need to talk we are all here for you :hug: :hug:
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