Where do I start.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Absentimental, May 3, 2007.

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  1. Absentimental

    Absentimental Active Member

    Okay well... I suppose you could say it all started two years ago, the day after my birthday, I woke up to find my mom packing, not moving out, but going to England to meet a guy she met off the Internet, it was an utter shock, she told me she had been dropping me hints all week that she was going to go to meet him...What a load of crap. It hurt so much to see her getting ready to leave, I didn't know what to do with myself... I still don't.
    A lot had happened when she went away the first three times, but it's too long/much... I won't get into that.

    Now, two years later, she has gone over to see him for roughly a week every 2-3 months, though I'm now being given more notice, it still hurts like hell. Why? Because of how my life is right now, I need her to help me get a kick-start to live, she's the only one in real life I truly can be myself with and express how I feel, I have no education due to fears she had, she was afraid for me, still is. I have no real friends, only my bestfriend on the Internet, but she lives practically on the other side of the planet, she's like a sister to me.

    My mother left to see him again, this morning, she will be back Tuesday (8th of May), I did not expect her to be going to see him this month, of all months, she told me this will be the last time because she can't do this again, can't do it to me.. she said that the last time, too, so I'm not sure what to believe anymore...

    I'm afraid of myself sometimes, the other day I punched the bathroom door, I have never done that before.. I feel a lot of my depression is turning into anger, I'm afraid of letting it out on someone, I don't want to, but it just overcomes me.. I lose it.

    I'm only alive for her, I told her to her face if she didn't want/love me I could do it..take myself away from life.. I'm struggling right now.. can't stop crying. All I need is a hug from her, telling me everything will be alright, can't even call her, her phone is off, as always. Everytime she's with him I feel shut out of her life, she tells me she loves me more than anything.. through tears, too.. but this hurts so much, I'm scared, I'm always scared she won't come back, she tells me she will so convincingly, that she would NEVER leave me and she loves me more than anyone or anything, but she's lied before, I'm so terrified what she may lie about next.. God help me, just wishing I won't wake up.. But I'm only carrying on for her, I just want to live and not be scared of living, but stepping outside my front door some days is a task in itself, I feel stared at.. I feel crazy, in two minds, I'm a great person but I want to die?? I don't know, I just need to feel like I'm not alone.. I don't want to cry anymore.. I just want all the bad to stop now.. I'm so powerless. I feel unwanted when she isn't around.. I hate my life, I hate myself on the outside, I know I can overcome this... it's just the question, will I ever...
  2. Sil

    Sil Well-Known Member

    You'll see, things will be better, why don't you trust your mom when she said this is the last time?
    My depression is turning into anger too. I think it is quite common. Maybe it is not costructive, but I feel relieved, in some ways... It's like I have an excuse...
    Obviously I started to behave badly even with the people around me, and you should avoid that
    take care
  3. Absentimental

    Absentimental Active Member

    Thing is, I've had so many last time's and "the ball gets rolling at September", every September... practically all of my teenage years, just the last two have been the worst, and here I am, nearly 18 still waiting to live and wanting to die.. it feels like everything is getting worse and worse, I think I'm about to sink to my lowest.. my grandmother died two months ago, too. And she was the closest thing I had outside of my immediate family (mom and dad).. it's all so scary right now.
  4. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    I wish I have someone like you in my life. Someone who is depending on me like as a mother to a child. When someone depend on me I feel whole.I have a teenager who is quite independent lives with his Dad. I have this need to be needed in order to function.Ironically most of my friends are very independents too so I am not needed.
    Did you tell that to your mom? That you needed her? Where is your dad? I am 42 I still need my parents guidance. They are both gone but I always ask their guidance.You are too young to be on your own.

    You inspire me with your post. I come to realize that my son needed me he is too young to be left alone. I relinquished his custody to his father when he was 9 becoz I can see the effects of the constant battle on him.But I stay around nearby all the time.For 5 yrs, I live 12 steps away from his Dad's house just so I can see him when he goes to school.Now, I am half a mile from him. I have a 4 yrs relationship with a man & I let him go becoz he wants to retire somewhere else. For me ,my responsibility with my son comes first,men can come & go,but my child stays.Tell your mom that love on the internet is an illusion.
    Keep us posted.
  5. Absentimental

    Absentimental Active Member

    Aw, I understand, I'm quite like that myself. But my mother is too dependant on me, mostly because she would be alone herself. She's in a similar situation (when it comes to having no friends, just acquaintances, she does know people though... and I don't), but she's nearing 50 and can go out of the house and do anything she wishes. As for me, I have never set foot outside my front door alone, I have never had a true friend, except for my bestfriend as I mentioned before, she gives me the motivation I need to carry on when I'm here alone. She's so wise for only 15.

    Oh yes, I tell her everything I feel. But it feels like I'm talking to her and she has no control of her actions, she cries with me, telling me she's sorry and if she knew this would happen she would have done differently, I believe that, but she goes to see him anyways, she spends her weeks money to go over to see him, when I honestly think it could go into better things. Especially since she says she doubt it will last... I don't get why she keeps up spending her money on seeing someone if she doesn't think it will be a lasting relationship.
    And my dad doesn't live with us, he lives about 30 minutes away by himself, he comes down here whenever he can, at the moment he'll be down to see me every day because I'm home alone, I wouldn't stay with him because it's kind of awkward, we were never really very close, we have gotten closer over the past few months though, and he's a born again Christian, I'm not too great with being submersed into religion and going to church, it's not how I've lived plus he doesn't have a computer, and that's one of my main distractions from all the crap and down-ness in my mind, I'm feeling okay right now though, just when the night sets in and she hasn't contacted me, I become paranoid and frightened, wondering if she's okay or not, or just doesn't want me anymore.
    Heh, I hope that's working out good for you, and I hope he's doing good, too. I could imagine that's tough to go through. :sad:

    And I admire you for that, leaving your relationship for your son. Though, I'd feel selfish saying that to my mom. And that's true, men do come and go, my mom is stuck in the mind that he's the last guy she'll ever be able to get, so she bends over backwards...so to speak, to keep him happy, I guess? I don't know, I'm tired of having my emotions trampled on, I don't know how she expects me to react.. it's hard, seeing people living, going out, doing things, and I have missed out for far too long in it, hell, I practically had no childhood, I suppose it has forced me to mature quicker (it has even been said to me that I'm more like the mother and she's the daughter), to handle all of this, now that's wearing thin, I'm running out of options, it's up to her... I feel as though she doesn't take my suicidal feelings seriously, yes she hears me out about it, but I think she either A) doesn't think I can do it or B) thinks that her loving and needing me is enough for me to keep going, but I'm being loved to the point I'm smothered, I can't do anything, can't live. :sad: She's the only good thing in my pitiful life, but the only good thing is hurting me and taking my years away, I can't have them back, I just wonder what's the point in trying to live at all... apart from keeping her happy, but I'm the one who needs to be happy now, and I don't feel allowed that. :sad:
  6. Bostonensis

    Bostonensis Guest

    I know a lot of women who cater to their men, it sounds like your mom is one of them.It is pathetic.No offense as she is your mom but I can see bits & pieces of your problem. Somewhere along the process you are her security blanket. She puts you exactly where she wanted you to be to make sure that if something goes wrong she can come back & make sure you are there not for you but for her. Am I wrong?You are her housekeeper?
    How many times you can honestly say that she risk her life for you? Or say she make a decision based on your interests over hers.I wanted to guide you how to break out from this chain that is imprisoning you. I have my own faults ,a reason why I am here in this forum , while I also believed that inside us is something unique that we can learn from each other.Being a mother is my proudest accomplishment I can ever claimed.You are very very lonely . Ther is a huge difference between being needed, needful, useful & being used.The first three requires your conscious approval,but the last requires deceit,manipulation & cunning so you don't even notice it.In every thought that comes to your mind try to run it through these 4 categories. Or reverse,think of these four words before you get to any thoughts.Let us begin on that conscious thinking.Keep posting
  7. Absentimental

    Absentimental Active Member

    I don't think anyone will read all of this, but I'll write it anyway since it's better out than in regardless if anyone sees it or not. But still, I appreciate anyone who does manage to read through all of my senseless drivel.

    Its been a while since I have posted here. I'm sorry to be necro~ing my thread and I don't know whether to reply to the above post or what, since it has been literally months... I'm sorry for not replying to it before, I tried to force everything that reminded me of any kind of pain out of my sight; just like this thread I made detailing a lot of painful thoughts and memories.

    I suppose I also went away because since my 18th birthday my mother has not gone to see him, so things have been consistent here. But not consistently happy.

    Why am I posting again? Things have taken a different swing in my life. Things are still the same in my home surroundings, but thankfully I have more control and comfort of who I am on the outside as a person. I'm not fully there yet, though.

    Me and my friend (I really don't feel as though I can call her a bestfriend any more, sadly) have drifted apart slightly, it is both of our faults, she got a boyfriend, she got distracted. I backed off, I stopped talking to her for days at a time because I let her have time to herself and her boyfriend. They split up, I didn't change, I'm still being somewhat distant, in the sense that I don't come on my messenger even when I know she is online. Although I may sound fine with it, it does hurt me to see such a great friendship wither away... Ironic, she just IM'd me now after me showing as online for the past two or three hours.
    Getting to the point; without her, I don't have anyone I can consider a friend. Not on the Internet. Not in real-life. No-one. And no; I don't consider a friend someone you can just offload all your personal problems to, I'm not like that, I keep a lot of things to myself because I don't like dragging conversations down. A friend to me is someone who I can have a laugh with and can relate to things on. That is all.

    BTW; I may sound kind of cold at the moment, but I don't mean to. I'm just trying to shut off my emotions as much as possible otherwise I'll breakdown thinking about this all.

    Now I'm having serious deja vu while writing all this...

    Okay... so, going backwards into the more original part of this thread: my mother for the past 7 months or so hasn't gone over to England to see her 'boyfriend' (I say 'boyfriend' because they are drifting in between a serious relationship and just friends. It's complicated, I guess, I don't ask because I don't want to know). The reason she hasn't gone to see him is because she doesn't have the money. Since June we have had NO income coming in, we are relying on my father and selling old books and dvd's (we now have no dvd's because my mother sold them all, for just E5 or so, for three good dvd's. She sold my two favourite ones, even though she told me she wouldn't. Just so we could get food), I'm afraid of losing my 'home'. And since June my mother has intended to get a job. It's December now, has she got a job? Nope. It's all talk no action, nothing has changed there, and I can't do anything with my life until she gets a job, so I can buy myself some new clothes and shoes to bring up my self confidence (no-one knows this but me and my mother; but I have only two pairs of shoes and two pairs of fitting trousers to my name since I've lost quite a bit of weight) because hopefully in the New Year I will be able to start my first job as a trainee hairdresser, that's probably one of the best things that has happened to me this year. KNOWING what I want to do with my life, it's now just a matter of getting there.

    Yesterday my father really upset me, he told me "we need to get you some friends" and my mother wanted to change the subject "she has some friends, there's *my friend* in America." and he said "Ah, can she come over?" very sarcastically, it really hurt me, I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and crying because it made me think of what I didn't have, that seemed such a basic thing in life.

    I feel powerless and very depressed, today especially. I just want my mother to get a job, she wants to get one, but I don't see much effort. She went to one interview, I went with her, she didn't get the job, but she was so excited. Now I see nothing, my life isn't changing, it can't change until she does first.

    It's like asking a brick wall to move to the side.

    I'm stuck in a rut. I don't know why I try, it's obviously not working. Hardly anything ever works out for me.

    I have other underlying issue in my life that involves my friend, but I'm not comfortable to talk about it since I haven't mentioned about it to anyone but anonymously on some confession website, I want to so badly though.

    Once again; I apologize for necro~ing my thread and my long post. I hope I'm not being a nuisance.
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