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Where do I start?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Alyssapie, Jan 26, 2010.

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  1. Alyssapie

    Alyssapie New Member

    I'm feeling like such shit lately- as usual. I decided to find a Suicide forum, and I found this one. Where do I start? There is so much to say. I dont know if anybody will read all of this, but its worth a shot...

    The majority of my depression is centered around the girl that I am deeply infatuated with. Whats worse is... I only know her through the internet. I 'met' her over four years ago on Xanga, back when I was only 14. We began talking a lot- and we clicked very well. She became like a best friend to me. We were so close... we have had many many hilarious conversations, and I would even talk to her when I was feeling depressed when I fell for my first real 'crush' back in early high school. Me and said girl have had many fall-outs, due to her getting irritated with me. But, as usual, I always come crawling back to her- because I dont want to lose her. It wasnt until over a year into our friendship that I began having feelings for her. Finally, after three years, I had gotten over my first infatuation. But months later... I ended up falling deeply again. For this girl. Now I'm so infatuated with her, and its harder... because I dont see her. Its nothing like my old crush- whom I got over by the 'out of sight, out of mind' method. I cant go with that method this time, because I'm USED to not seeing her.

    The only person in my family that knows I'm gay is my mother. And I plan to keep it that way for a long time. I'm so fucking pathetic, you dont even know. I'm so overly sensitive... and I over-analyze things all the time. This is what gets me in trouble and gets me into depression. The girl that I love doesnt exactly return these feelings. It hurts so bad. God, it hurts. I cant even explain it, and she has no idea. I feel as though I'm so addicted to her now. I hate to admit that, but its true... I'm like addicted to her. I cant imagine losing her, just as a friend. We've had so many fallouts, and I swear if it happens again- I'll end up blowing my brains out. And that thought scares the HELL out of me. I'm so insecure about our friendship, considering I've been through so much with her. My whole mind revolves around her... God, its like its corrupted me. How the hell do I get over her at this point? She has a loose temper, so I easily am affected by things she might say. I'm constantly worried that she'll get mad at me, and leave me- like she has done so many times in the past.

    All I want in this world right now is her. I rarely fall for people. God, I'm 19. Still a virgin, never been with anybody, never even been truly kissed. Nothing. And after going through two heartaches, it feels like i'll never have ANYBODY. I crave love so bad. I want to be happy. I want to be happy like couples. But then what? What if I DO get into a relationship? I cant bear a breakup. I'll never get over such a thing... Its like a lose-lose situation.

    I have nothing for my life. I have no motivation anymore, I never did great in high school. I have Social Anxiety. Its a bitch. I hate it so much... I'm such a wuss. I've got nothing for me. I want to my a graphic artist, but I'm not good enough. I'm only decent. One cant get into college and fullfill their "dreams" when they are only decent...

    I need a doctor, a therapist, or something. But I dont know how to open up to somebody that I dont know. And with my anxiety, I'll get stuck and not know what to say. What if a therapist cant help me? How the hell do they help people? I take Prozac, but its doing no good. I'm such a mess... I really hate myself right now. I'm just going to go... part of me wants to go to sleep and just dream and get away from here, another part wants to break down and cry again, but the other part isnt letting me.
  2. crc1234

    crc1234 New Member


    I just joined the forum a few minutes ago and read your post.. we actually have a lot in common.

    I know everything seems to revolve around her, but you should try to meet other people and make other friends. I know it's difficult with social anxiety, but people who are really worth being friends with will understand and be patient with you.

    If you're already taking Prozac.. go back and see the doctor who prescribed it to you and tell them you think you may need a different medication since you're still not feeling "better". They will do their best to find the proper combination / dosage for you.. sometimes it takes a few tries before it works so try to have some patience with them.

    If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to private message me and we can exchange AIM or MSN info to chat.

    Take care and keep your head up.
  3. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    I can relate. I am openly bisexual and I've been there. The therapist can only help you if you TRULY want and accept the help. This obsession obviously isn't healthy. You really have to take ONE DAY AT A TIME. This truly heals all. You're still VERY young and you need to get yourself together first before you can focus on opening your life up to another person.

    I am speaking from true experience. If you don't work on yourself first, all of your insecurities and feelings will just get worse when you're with someone.

    Learn to be comfortable in your own skin, then you'll be ready to meet her.

    Talk to your therapist.:IrishDoll:
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I think you would benefit from a therapist..Sometimes it takes two or three before you find one you can bond with.,.Don't be afraid that you will freeze up because they are very good at getting you to open up and talk to them..I have been in therapy for four years and she is great.. The last couple of months I haven't gone do to financial reasons..But I intend on going back as soon as I can..If you are afraid at first then write down your thoughts and take that with you..Let the T read it and you can start that way..Good Luck!!!
  5. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I've had a powerful crush like that before. On xanga too. And from my experience you do eventually get over it. It takes a while. But you do get over it with time.
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