I honestly hate that question because Ive never had an answer for it. But earlier today I came to a conclusion of sorts. I'll be nowhere. I'm giving myself til my 21st birthday to live, that's roughly 3 months away. In the meantime, I continue to try and get as much help as possible to see if anything can be done, and maybe/hopefully something will change. But for the past 20 years I feel like Ive been a ghost. I just coast along with no destination, seeing and hearing things but not really "getting" the meanings. Whats worse is that no one notices. Im a college junior, talked into changing my major which I dont see myself doing at all and when I voice my feelings, all everyone says is that I should focus on the material things, like salary and prestige, things that dont mean shit if your heart isnt in it. And its not. I dont care if I dont own a Mercedes and make 7 figures. I dont care if Im not a manager or CEO. I just want to live my life comfortably, which is entirely possible without all the extra crap. But this is where I start to feel like a failure. Like eveyone is expecting me to be this big Somebody, but im fine just being me so I feel like Im letting them down. Like I'm wasting their time and money when they could have been raising another kid more in tune to their ways. There are times when I have brief impulses to do bigger and better things though. I put more effort into my appearance, try to be more outgoing and social, but every time my efforts are ignored. Like they have already given up on me but the moment I stop acting that way, they suddenly notice a change and hound me on it. Its all so stupid and superficial and I just cant stand it anymore. Im paranoid, reclusive and an insomniac. I can barely sleep through the night because of nightmares where the only time I see people genuinely caring about me is when I'm dying; only I wake up and know I could never be that lucky. Things are just getting worse and If I start hearing voices I know I'll have passed the point of no return. It would be better if things just ended now because I refuse to let myself get that far gone.