where have I been

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Perfect Melancholy, Apr 1, 2013.

  1. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    So where have I been, well a lot of people here will not know me, but hello.

    I guess this will be long sorry, please don’t read it will be boring, basically when I left as some will know my sister had just given birth to a premature baby Chloe, I spent three months looking after her four kids which put things into perspective literally all I did was work then take care of them, after that we sadly fell out and I didn’t even get an invite to her wedding. We are slowly making peace.

    I moved out of the house of trouble which helped, laid of the legal and illegal highs, and got a job for a major children’s charity where I still work, in between this I have been campaigning and lobbying the government and health services with support from grassroots charities for better education on suicide and better support.

    I ran two half marathons, and burnt my hand (third degree burns) cooking, all this time I thought I was doing fine and the truth is I have been falling apart, I nearly overdosed two weeks ago just because it all got to much, no real friends only a couple, I cannot cope with my depression and I push people away. I have been in denial and cannot hide it. Trying to hide what a bastard I am the nothing I am by doing some good.

    I am truly sorry for those I left here, and I deserve everything I get. The reality is I turn 30 in August and I cannot see me getting there, I have done so much tried so hard, and yet still feel like this, I cannot keep fighting.

    I just I am so sorry to everyone, I didn’t mean to be such a burden and I promise I will not be a burden anymore, I guess I am tired of hiding how I really feel. Sorry again this is a long boring self serving read. And I should go back to pretending nothing is wrong
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You are doing a lot of positive things with your life.
    Why do yu feel like a bastard and a nothing?
     
  3. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Because I'm letting the depression consume me I'm showing weakness hurting myself again. And I can't stop it, there's only so much people can take hence I have to hide it even from myself, and I'm tired. I just want to end it now truly wish I had the balls to do it thanks for your reply
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It's ok to show weakness sometimes, as long a sits not all the time, I think.
    Self harm is a release, keep talking about it here.
    Depression is terrible, especially if you have few friends in real life. Talk to people on here?
     
  5. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Self harm is literally my release at the moment but at the same time it sickens me almost like I'm caught in two minds I so confused and not sure what to do
     
  6. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Try to be more gentle with yourself!! :hug: You're not a bastard, and you're not a nothing. You don't have to hide how you really feel here. If you're feeling bad, it's okay to say it and to reach out for support. You can be yourself here, you don't have to pretend. The fact that you're feeling bad doesn't mean you're weak; you've made it so far, and that in itself shows you're a strong person. But nobody can be strong all the time, and that's okay.

    If you need anything at all, I hope you know you can contact me!
     
  7. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I just think, I've tried so long now to get better distract myself seek help do all the things suggested. Nothing it's nothing works I feel distance from what I do now disconnected drafting through life, is it seriously going to be like this forever? Maybe a few months of bliss then 12 months of fighting self harm ad urges to kill myself for a few months of bliss before it starts again. I feel tired seriously time. And I'm so ashamed to admit all this
     
  8. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I'm glad you posted that... it's not something you should feel ashamed of. :hug: I know you've tried so hard, but another thing you said is that you've been hiding how you feel. That's draining, it takes a lot out of you and probably makes it feel like there's no end in sight. Here, you can be open about how you feel, and in some ways that might help. I don't think it's possible to heal while you're trying to hide what you're going through.
     
  9. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Truth is I only feel useful worthy when I am doing something good hence all that stuff I did I didn't do it because I'm a nice person I did it to feel better about me and I don't anymore. Like I always distract myself cos I can't focus on getting better because it's too hard I've spent too long like this and I hate it and now I have no idea what will happen

    But I'm going to shut up belly aching now thank you for listening
     
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You don't have to shut up... I don't want you to. I want you to be able to say how you feel. I don't have all the answers, but I'm always here if you need a friend.
     
  11. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Maybe my mind is made up. I've noticed I've pushed everyone away like I don't know I'm ready to leave. And coming back maybe that was my way of knowing its it and I'm not alone in choice. Maybe it's scary but sometimes the unknown can be scary I don't know
     
  12. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I guess I know my own worth that's allAnd it's zero
     
  13. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I help others too hun here and elsewhere because like you it helps me to feel better to help others it is a good trait hun no matter the reason You help others here hun you are good you are kind you are not those words you call yourself I just want you to know i understand and i hope you can continue reach out to people who care hun hugs
     
  14. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    thank you for your words, I really have nothing left in me, I am sorry
     
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    You're worth so much more than you realize.
     
  16. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    You know I got drunk tonight proper drunk, walking home a bus goes passed and I was so close to just jumping in front of it, I wish I had no one would have noticed, seriously I do not understand why I didnt
     
  17. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Perhaps because subconsciously you know things can get better?
    Can you tell us the thoughts you have that make you feel like you want to end it?
     
  18. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    Thank you sincerely for your concern I think when I am ready I will spill that, I am not sure of myself at the moment, almost biting my tongue on how I really feel, and I do agree there is always hope as long as we are breathing, so I shall wait to see where my mind goes next, but truly thank you
     
  19. Theodora

    Theodora Well-Known Member

    You have done so much. You need to care for and take time for yourself. If we don't do that we collapse.
     
  20. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    They say talking about it helps, as a social anxiety sufferer I do not talk about such things but I do sometimes write stuff down, just to get it out of my head, and the process of writing, of analysing thoughts and feeli in order to create a narrative is strangely helpful. This site even allows yo to do so privately, so no one else can see.