where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hope

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Rita Bonita, Sep 2, 2013.

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  1. Rita Bonita

    Rita Bonita Member


    I am here due to a combo of dealing with a profound illness and the pain of having been treated badly in the past. I know there are a lot of people who have had it worse, but I'm also aware that I've been harder hit than average.

    Health-wise, I've been sick my entire life and I'm 38, but the weird thing is that it has been a long string of serious things (undiagnosed illnesses that would have been easily treatable, injuries, several malpractice caused illnesses) rather than just one big thing (like diabetes or cancer), and the one I'm dealing with has kicked my ass far worse in the last three years than I can say. I've spent most of that time either bed bound or house bound, and that time was spent in a lot of serious physical suffering rather than "resting comfortably". I make a point of making myself go out just so I don't get isolated. I am glad that I do it, but it is a brutal process for me.

    Baggage-wise, I'm definitely carrying some. Probably my biggest deal is that I was the victim of extreme bullying when I was younger. Middle school was pretty much three solid years of constant highly malicious daily harassment that was more or less tolerated by the adults shy of violence (and when you know that that's your only limit you can take it to a pretty extreme place, especially when emboldened by the official tolerance). At the same time, things were pretty rough at home with constant yelling and occasional hitting. To top it off, I literally had no friends for three years. I know "I didn't have any friends" is the sort of thing people say when they really mean that they only had a few friends, but I *literally* did not have any friends for those three years.

    Anyway, I'm queer and was growing up in the deep south, and that didn't help anything, either. I'll never know if they pegged me as queer, because it didn't specifically come up and none of these kids were one for subtly, but I think that they all honed in on the fact that I was definitely very different from them (thank goodness). The most traumatic thing relating to that was that in the late 90's I was the victim of an anti-gay vice raid in a very backwaters town. If you don't know the history, there, cops used to regularly raid gay clubs and arrest everyone inside basically for being gay and generally people would be badly abused in the process. For me, I got bruised up pretty badly and then dragged down an alley by two plainclothes officers who thought it was really funny to imply that they were actually just abducting me to rape and murder. I did get some (though not a lot) of justice out of that, but it really affected me and still does.

    There is a lot of good news here, too, though. Despite being so sick, I am (supposedly) someday supposed to make a full recovery, and then for the first time in literally my entire life I will be healthy. Also, though horribly late in life, I have for the very first time found a supportive queer community. Unfortunately, the GLBTQ scene in a lot of places has a lot of badly damaged people who cope with it by kicking whoever they see as the next person down the queer totem pole rather than supporting each other, but I've finally found a scene where the arts thrive and people help each other out.

    Where I'm at right now is that things got really bad with my health for mid-Dec through a few weeks ago, and while I was tough for a long time, I finally lost the ability to cope and was barely hanging in there with that level of relentless physical suffering. Everything bad that had ever happened to me was flooding my mind to match the physical pain with emotional pain, and I have been in a lot of pure and overwhelming emotional pain and it has been more than I could cope with. I have never been closer to cashing in my chips in my life, and it was hard not to which scares me because I want to live, just not in that kind of pain. The only reason that I am doing better now is that something finally gave and my health improved, but it waxes and wanes a lot so I don't know where I will be, next. I am still crying a lot and the pain comes to the surface a lot, so I know I need to find a way to deal with this.

    On a final note, I had a bit of a wait before I could post, so I read a number of threads. I am so sorry so many of you are in so much pain. I'm in pain, too, and I know how much it hurts. I love all of you and hope for all of you to find some relief for your pain and solutions for your troubles, soon.

    Rita Bonita
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Re: where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hop

    Hi, and welcome to SF! I'm glad you found the site!

    I'm sorry for all the hard things you have been enduring. There is good news in your story, though. You've actually survived a lot, and that is wonderful. :) I think you are a very strong and brave person! And you've had some improvement in your health recently...that is also great news! Finding a supportive community that shares your views and interests is also positive. You are surviving and doing all kinds of things to keep going. It's impressive!

    Most importantly, you said, "I want to live." I know life can hurt in many ways sometimes. However, the pain doesn't have to overwhelm us. We often find new ways to cope when we reach out to others as you have here. Do you see a therapist/counsellor at all? It can help to have someone in real life to talk to face to face about our thoughts, feelings, perspective on life. Also, feelings of sadness and even despair do not require that we act on them - they are feelings not commands. Sometimes accepting that we are sad, angry, feeling a lot of pain and hardship is the first step in getting through it. Just acknowledging to ourselves means someone cares - ourself. And if you reach out here again, you will find lots of supportive people. You are not alone.

    I hope you keep us posted on how things are going for you. Stay well and keep safe! :hug:
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Re: where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hop

    Hi Rita
    I could cry for all that you have endured. Your story is so painful. So much pain, indeed. I am amazed to read in your words that somehow against the odds, you managed to keep a real part of your heart open to love and caring of other people. And I can read wisdom in your words..... strength.

    Meanwhile, you are in a lot of pain. I am so sorry that this has been your life so far. Physical pain and illness can rob a life of so much. I know that. The pain, and other limitations of physical illness. And then all the emotional battering and abuse of the past. From even authorities. Sick how the police can act like that. And how adults can allow and even condone behaviors like that from kids. How can they ever learn not to do those behaviors if the adults are doing them? or looking the other way? I live in the far north of US. Its very different where I live. Are things where you live any better in 2013? Or can people and police still be as overt with their hateful acts and words?

    Meanwhile your heart is still loving. It didnt get bitter of hateful toward everyone. And thats awesome. They did not steal that most important thing from you. You sound strong. You grew up in such horrible circumstances for a gay person. And yet they could not steal the most important thing. Your heart connection. Although I am sure they took a lot from you.

    I, like Acy would like to know if you are in counselling. As she said it can help people to have someone on their side. Although for reasons I will not go into, I am not in therapy. Hard for me to find someone who can understand where I am coming from in my life. But a good theapist, someone to talk with, can be invaluable.

    I am really glad you are here ! And I hope you can find this a good community for you. I think its a great community.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 2, 2013
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hop

    Just want to say hi and to say i am glad you are posting and reaching out for support here. welcome to SF
  5. Rita Bonita

    Rita Bonita Member

    Re: where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hop

    Thanks for the replies. It took me a while to answer because this is a weird emotional place for me. Where I am is that I am recovering from recently having been very suicidal for a period of about 6-8 weeks (it didn't begin or end abruptly, so it depends how you measure it). I am a lot better and have other happier things to think about and plan out, but I'm not so out of the woods yet that this stuff isn't on my mind a lot. I just have to be in the right spot to feel right about posting here.

    To answer your question, I am not in counseling, but not for a lack of trying on my part. I tried two different ones and didn't like either. The first one was so unprofessional that it shocked me, and the second one was nice enough but kept interrupting me to (often incorrectly) to try to finish my sentences to show how much she understood what I was talking about.

    I feel like I'm largely constrained by two factors, one being that I don't have any insurance with only so much money via SSI, and the other is that being queer I'd really prefer to go to a specifically queer friendly place, and both counselors were one each from the two queer friendly counseling services in town. I don't have any more money to blow on counselors that don't do it for me, and since pretty much the main thing that I need to talk about is having recently been suicidal I consider that to be deeply personal and would need more than one session before I felt ready to talk about it. I know I'd benefit if I found the right one, but I have no idea how to do that.

    Anyway, I think my worst pain is all to do with not having any real close relationships with anyone who I just really click with. I've barely had that in my life since I felt so deeply disenfranchised by the queer community that (in retrospect) it makes sense since I didn't have access to the people I had most in common with on earth. I feel pretty good about things there most of the time because they've all been so friendly and welcoming to me, but I worry about if this has only been a half step up. Discovering that I was not the only person on earth such as myself (by an embarrassingly long shot) was the half step, but then I get really scared that I still won't find anyone in that population who I really click with.

    I know that that sounds like pretty standard fear stuff, and it is, but after having gone this far in life barely dating and having had so few close friends (while at the same time I am very social and most people like me a lot- just no clicking or traction for a real friendship) it's such a deep pain, and that was the pain that was talking to me when I was feeling like I couldn't bare to keep living feeling like that. Though there is so very, very much that went wrong after until less than a year ago (when I found my community), what I went through in middle school is still the direct source of all of my deep pain.

    Anyway, thanks for listening and for letting me talk.
    Last edited by a moderator: Sep 9, 2013
  6. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    Re: where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hop

    just want to say welcome to you.

    i've not done so yet.

    so hi!
  7. pancake111

    pancake111 Well-Known Member

    Re: where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hop

    I understand not having many close friends. I sometimes get panic attacks when I'm alone too much. Which is often, especially during the summer. And don't downplay your pain. It's just as valid as everyone else's.
  8. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    Re: where I'm coming from, love to all, & while I have a lot of pain, I also have hop

    I know that being gay can be so hard. And being a teenager and gay can be horrible. Way too many suicide attempts and suicides, amongst GBLT kids. Thats why the trevor project was started. Add to that growing up in the deep south.... So, I can understand why the pain of the middle school is still the direct source of all your pain. Especially after what you described in your first post. Its horriffic. I do hope that you can find those deeper connections you want, need and deserve. I can only imagine that if this were me, I would have really significant trust issues as a result.

    I am sorry that the 2 therapists who specialize in what I assume is GBLTQ issues, both were not appropriate. There sure are people who are therapists and have a lot to learn about things. I wish you can find someone who you can click with, and is good. Someone who is capable enough to rightly earn your trust.
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