Where is the bottom?

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Ants, Apr 15, 2009.

  1. Ants

    Ants Well-Known Member

    Where is the bottom? My wife asked for a divorce last October. I moved out to give her space to reconsider. I thought if we worked on a dissolution we might find a common ground from which we could build again. Not gonna happen. She is going through menopause, has been there for several years. She would not take any of the drugs or hormones, blaming the increased risk of cancer. There is a lot of it in her family. No doctor or friend could convince her otherwise. I thought that was the bottom.

    She then proceeded to manipulate my time with Chantze. A now 7 year old boy who moved in with us 4 years ago from one of her neices who couldn't handle him. He may as well be my son, and now she allows minimal contact. It breaks both of our hearts but she had custody. I thought that was the bottom.

    Then I had an accident at work last week. It was the only thing that kept her from filing for divorce. They were reviewing the accident and I had called my brother, with whom I keep regular contact. We had a night club together for 10 years. We split the duties pretty well and on the weekends he monitored the floor and kitchen and I played the music as the DJ in the back room. I fuckin' kicked ass every weekend. Slowly he became an alcoholic, and heavy drug user. I couldn't fix his problem and the liability was driving me crazy, so I moved on. He got the help he needed and still has the bar.
    I had talked with him about taking over the DJ duties in the back because the current DJ, Jimmie, was going to drive truck. Well Jimmie, who has a full time job, decided not to drive truck. Que sara Que sara... When I called my brother and told him I might lose my job, he VOLUNTEERED almost immediately that "it would be hard to let Jimmie go, you know, he also helps around the bar and stuff". I thought that was the bottom.

    Then today I did lose my job. I have enough money to survive for a few weeks. I should be able to get unemployment, but the house of cards is about to fall... I'm thinking that this might be the bottom but my spider sense tells me it isn't so.

    All I know for sure is that suicide has been like background music for a large part of my life. There are very few people who know this about me and those that do accept it as part of my personality. I don't think they really believe it though. Like many I am sure, What they see is no where close to who I really am.

    I've started going to the assisted suicide sites, that's how I ended up here... surfing. I am really glad I found it, I don't know though, that it will be enough.

    There are two bottoms that I am sure of though. The bottom of a beer can, and the bottom of the barrel of my 22 pistol.

    Tomorrow I am going to the local mental health clinic. That my friends just may very well be the bottom for me. I am so tired of the sorrow in me and I don't know where it comes from unless it is from the monster in me.