Where my Suicidal thoughts come from...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Questa_Bella_Vita_*MUTED*, Jan 23, 2009.

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  1. Hey everyone :hug:

    I've recently had a window of time where I've been able to be normal-ish, without the bad thoughts (although it looks like its coming to an end...), and I've been using this time in a really constructive way... :blink: basically trying to think about where my suicidal thoughts stem from.

    And I've come to the conclusion that they come form my inability, weather chemically or psychologically, to feel pride.

    I have no ego (something that most people that I talk to can't understand, or assume I'm lying about). I have never experienced pride or pleasure or an 'ego boost' after having achieved something... I can remember when I was about 10 y/o, I passed my 11+ examination with a score of 595 (roughly 99%) a score that hadn't been reached for about 50 years, and everyone kept saying how amazing it was, how proud they were etc, and I didn'e feel anything, and eventually I asked my Mum why everyone kept saying these things, coz I thought everyone passed with about the same score (see NO ego, I asumed I was the same as everyone else).

    So, without an ego, pride is something that is a mystery to me... and most peoples advice to depressed/suicidal people is 'Do things that make you feel proud, achieve things and you'll slowly get better...', but how am I supposed to do that when I'm incapable of feeling pride in any achievement, big or small..? :confused:

    This is compounded by the fact that I am more than adept at feeling embarrassment/shame... everyday I pick apart everything that I've said to everyone, till I've convinced myself that everything I said was stupid, that they couldn't wait to get away from me, and that I embarrassed myself...

    I was just wondering if anyone else felt this way..? And was wondering if other people had spent as much time thinking about where there depression comes from..?

    -J- :sadwave:
  2. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member

    Sorry to inform you of this - but you do have an ego. The ego is in-born into every human being and it's not something we can get rid of. The fact that you're sitting there talking about yourself is an expression of the ego...

    However ego death is possible, if only for a short time through meditation etc. I feel one can also break down their ego over time and rebuild it as they like from the pieces.

    Try this on for size - we create the world that we live in. Every second, every breath, every human interaction. When we walk outside and see things, we don't see things as they are. We see them as we think about them - we attach our judgements and thoughts to them, creating the world we live in. It's like a story - and you're the writer. Whatever you write down will come true. If you're thinking ppl don't want to talk to you and want to get away from you - it could be true. But not because they don't like you or anything silly like that, it's because deep down you feel like that so you make it your reality. You assume they want to get away from you so you don't feel worthy - your voice shakes/you don't make eye contact/you even say odd things - as a result they could want to leave. But it's not them - it's you.

    We teach other ppl how to treat us by the way we treat them - it's a fact.

    Did any of that make sense...
  3. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    I dont think you really know what ego is...
    Do you have political views? religious maybe?
    do you have a favorite song? if so you do have ego!
    Maybe you are just modest person, and just so that you know, modest people
    got the biggest ego there is, its the weak people who are walking around
    and talking about how houge thair ego is (sort of "LOOK IM SO MUCH SMARTER THEN YOU!)
    I dont think it is the source of your problems
    but i do think that maybe you have problem to express yourself
    which is fixble by talking to shrinks.
  4. wallflower

    wallflower Well-Known Member

    Do you mean you feel no emotions? That would make sense, much of our egos are based on emotions. Try to remember something that made you happy, something that inspired you. That's a part of your ego. Some people can feel things a little more deeply than others, that doesn't mean they are more of a person. You have an ego you just need to find the missing pieces, put them back together.
  5. fromthatshow

    fromthatshow Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well said.
  6. CJ87

    CJ87 Member

    Hey Bella I just noticed something u said there in your post: "I've been using this time in a really constructive way... :blink: basically trying to think about where my suicidal thoughts stem from."
    Think about this for a second, is that really using your time in a constructive way, thinking about suicide too much or goin over your problems within your own head is sometimes just a circular process and something that can be quite negative.
    I can empathise with you on the pride issues. I experienced a similar thing with my GCSEs/A levels, but then I realised that my pride didn't have to lie in things that other people expected of me. Maybe the problem is you are lookin for your pride in the wrong place?? Maybe you could feel pride in yourself, the person you are and the things you do for people? Or just feel proud of being a good person.
    When I was younger, academic performance was overly important for people around me, and although I was smart I didn't get much pride out of those "achievements" I'd far rather be proud about running a great race or landing a snowbard trick because these things are personal to me.
    Im sure you can find something in your past that you were proud of, if you look in the places that you would not normally look.

    Good luck
  7. Thanks for the replys everyone:

    I think Ive explained it wrong. Right, Ive come to the conclusion that I have no ego (or maybe no ACCESS to my ego is a better way of putting it) because of the resons I stated in the first post.

    @ mystereo2099: When I am in the situation that calls for social skills, people are always amazed at how good I am at them. I always make eye contact etc... the problem isnt that I bad about myself, therefore I project a bad image... its that when I get home, I convince myself that the good witty etc things I said were embarrising...

    @Summer.Rain: See thats the thing, I have no oppinions on anything... I have no favourites or dislikes, I feel the same about everything creative that Ive witness, for example...

    @wallflower: Ive never been inspired or happy, thats the thing people can't seem to get there head around, they assume that Im being stuborn or that Im one of those people who say they hate what the other person is talking about automatically...

    @CJ87: I ment that I've been trying to constructively think where my suicidal thoughts stem from, so I have a good place to start digging it out...

    -J- :sadwave:
  8. achtland

    achtland Member

    This is something that I've been trying to work out aswell. I do think everyone does have an ego, but how much you see it does depend on emotion.

    I think I'm proud of some things I've done (although I don't go shouting from the rooftops about it, it's on a need to know basis as far as I'm concerned) but that doesn't mean that I was happy when I was doing them. Most of the time, the things I do I do just to distract myself from the fact that I hate life, and people even more.

    I'm currently trying to work out if paranoia, tiredness and depression and are all interlinked somehow. I can't get to sleep because I think people want to hurt me (emotionally) so I get tired which makes thoughts race around my head that if everyone hates me so much then I would be better off dead which then leads to depression and so it goes on. Like CJ87 says, it's a circular process and breaking out is quite hard.
  9. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member

    Plz man, enlighten me. Why would you do this?
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Bella,
    I can only think of one time in my life when I was proud of myself. The day I graduated boot camp. I had not only became a Marine but I had also transitioned from a boy to being a man. Other than that I feel I was always a failure at everything. There is nothing I like about myself which will destroy your ego and self esteem.
    I don't wait until I get home and pick myself apart, I do that on the spot. I will be talking and my mind races ahead to what I want to say next while I am already talking about something then My mind gets all garbled up and I loose track of what I was trying to say. I just stand there looking like a raging idiot.
    I always think the worst of myself and won't let anyone in because I don't trust myself. I hope this made since...~Joseph~
  11. mystereo2099

    mystereo2099 Well-Known Member


    "There is nothing I like about myself which will destroy your ego and self esteem." -- I am sorry to inform you that you are incorrect. The ego can feed off of these feelings and become stronger. Your ego is more or less your 'sense of self.' Who you picture yourself to be - and when you hate yourself it strengthens the ego. Maybe not in a positive way - but it builds a 'victim identity' in your mind. "I hate myself, I suck at everything, no one likes me." That's the ego seeing itself as a victim and feeding off the misery.

    Wicked the way things work.. Sorry not trying to be a know-it-all (because I'm not) but trying to convey my understanding of the term.
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