where to begin, when all i want is the end.

[Ozzy Manson]

i don't know that i have much to say anymore, or rather much worth saying honestly. it's been almost two weeks since i got more than 3 hours of sleep a night. i have tried so many pills to help, i can't even remember. i have to take too many pills now, i can't even choke all of them down...8 pills every morning.....2 at noon....and 3 at bed.....is peace of mind and body to much to ask? my kidneys are fine now, i guess. i don't know. they don't hurt anymore....all i know, is i need to cut, really bad. i haven't even been clean for 3 fucking days, and here i am, needing it again.... succumbing to the urge, like a leaf floats in the wind...i don't know whats going on anymore, i feel like a shell, like i am nothing but a ghost...i keep going through the motions every day, but when i arise from the fog, i'm left to wonder, what happened today? i don't remember a thing. the doc says it is because of PTSD or something. i don't know. i stopped listening. i don't want more pills. i want a gun. i want a gun. i. want. a. gun. and some gin, gin is good to. thanks laptop for bringing that into my mind when i meant to type gun and you are all naw, lets go with gin..... every time i want to believe more and more that i don't need somebody to hold me close, and say things will be ok, i always then end up lying here in my own tears, wishing i had somebody close to hug, to trust, to love. i want a life back. my life, any life. something more than this.....all i can see in myself at this point is a fuck up. worthless. forgetful. piece of goddamn fucking stupid worthless shit. my mom knows im gay. but doesn't seem to want to believe it i guess. she is convinced that i can't possibly know something like that at 15. when i want to scream, i know who I am, but it is up to YOU to see me, for me. no matter how much she may want me to change, i just hope that once she realizes this is me, she wont change her mind and turn away from me.....i don't even know what im talking about anymore, not like it matters anyways. just a rant of worthless shit nobody needs to hear or read. why the fuck am i writing this? telling the world how much im hurting inside? what good does it do....im hungry, for food, for love, for acceptance, but more than anything else, i am hungry for my end.

 

[pppqp]

hugs to you ozzy

i'm listening. i may not be of much help but i want to you know that i am sorry you are going through a difficult time and i understand your pain.

at this point, i think you should stop talking to your mom about being gay or not. drop the topic there. and be yourself. once you find yourself stronger, if your mom really wants to talk about it, i guess you will be more equipped to deal with it than now.


do you feel comfortable talking to your pdoc and therapist? 13 pills a day seem a bit too much ... but idk. i myself take 10 pills a day. 13 pills are for your depression only?

be kind to yourself, honey. you, like everybody else, deserve to be loved. you didn't choose to be this way. it's circumstances and illnesses. fight the urge to cut. self harm only relieves the hurt just for a short while. when you want to cut so badly, count your breaths. in and out... for 5 minutes. you'll feel a lot calmer.

i'm always here for you, okay? :hug: