Where to begin? where to end...

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Epicfailure, May 19, 2010.

  1. Epicfailure

    Epicfailure New Member

    I have no idea what life is all about, I swear, its like watching people dance on tv with the volume turned down. I just dont see why everybody is having fun. I dont seem to enjoy life without someone else involved. I believe in a higher power, be it God, Budda, Muhammador whoever. I can only see life as a vessal to carry on another life. What is it all about? Is life all about self satification? Everything we do is based on how we feel. I can only see life as finding a person to create life with, pass knowledge onto them, have them carry our legacy, be remembered for a few generations, then we are forgotten. I am in a mess. I am 37 and have had a rough one. I cant rememeber many times where I was truly happy. My parents were at ends with each other to the point where the possibility of another family memeber adopting me away from them. I wish that would have happened. I ended up being in the middle of a bitter divorce with a mother who wanted me and a father who didnt plan on having me. I became the reason for their split in my mothers eyes, even though he was the one who stopped taking her birth control. I was shipped back and forth to my parents when they were busy pursuing their new partners and I was left to myself. I remmeber my mother having men over while I was sleeping in the other room and could hear their intimicy. I ended up getting kicked out at 16 and held a job, rented a place from a friends parents and managed to keep going to school. I graduated school and went to the army where I was discharged for sleep walking...I come back and live with my mother for a few months before I get kicked to the curb gain. Seems her boyfriends and I had a differance of opinion. Later, my mother did say I was correct in my opinions of the men she dated. I had a few relationships but never felt the connection except to a few girls. One girl in paticular, Cheryl, she seemed to be the reason to come alive, I found I was too co-dependant on her and soon, she realized the same thing. EEvenmtually breaking up with me and that was the first time I attempted to end it. I remember taking a handfull of pills and hoping that I would just fall asleep. Instead, I got a sudden desire to say the last word and ended up going to see her in my state and I ended up getting sick and vomiting the pills up. She never spoke to me again. I spent the next few years just getting over her and sleeping around, partying without a care and up until 24 years old, remained single and without a goal. I met my soon to be wife through a friend I worked with and called her one night at 3 am when I was drunk and had the nerve to call. I ended up going over to see her the next night and felt I bonded with her quickly, I turned my life aroud and quit the partying and reckless behavior when I lerned after we married, she had addiction problems in the past, another child I was never told of and all sorts of other skeletons that were in the closet. I endured 10 years of relapses on her part, affaris, financal ruin, all the while being the strong one who had to be responsible for two children, her son and our daughter. I became so lonely. My wife was able to keep it together enough to have my own mother believe that she wasnt doing all the things she was doing and I lost my support from my mother. In 2003, after finincal ruin, multiplre affairs on her part where even friends of mine witnessed her infidility at a bar after hours, in a desperate move to get her away form the addiction cycle, we moved to West Virginia to start over and lived with her sister there. I was a mess after it all, my father had just passed away a fe months before hand and I even missed his burial in order to keep my family together. Down there, she was able to find what she needed for her addiction and soon, she decided to end our marraige. I had a comple breakdwon. She left me for another man. I had no one for support and soon found out m brother and sister-in-law had set her up with a mutual friend of theirs. I was asked to leave and had no where to go. I had enuff. I took 40 sleeping pills and curled up hoping that I didnt have to wake up. Turns out, earlier in the day I took an allergy pill and it reacted to the other pills and I blacked out but was still on my feet and they all came in to find me out-of-it. I woke up in a hosp, tubes out of every hole, and remember seeing my wife there. I only stayed the required 3 days plus 1 and dedcided if it wasnt my time, then I needed to get it together fast to save soemthing. I got a good job, a good house and set myself back up and even had my wife return to me, even though I was battling severe depression and my wife didnt want to talk about anything and forgot the whole experience. We eventually moved back to Ohio and started out fresh again. I climbed the labor pool and got a degree in the trade that I am in. I was a good provider but still felt the effects of being walked all over and never did say goodbye to my father. My father and I never did have a close relationship but I still miss what could have been. It took a y7ear or so, but her addictions came back on and off again for a few years and the affairs contuined over and over, evemntually to the point where she decided to join the military and get her act straight. After she left, a friend of hers came to me telling me of all the affairs and the stuff my wife was up to, including that she ws toying with the idea of leaving me when she got back from basic training and before she had left, she was sleeping with a friend of mine for money for drugs. I was at the point where I just was numb to it all and over the next couple months, me and her friend fell in love..or rather I fell for her. I was upset with my wife for everything she had done and thought that all that has happended was for a reason to finally meet this new girl who needed someone in her life, and to be a good father figure to her kids...I felt like I had a purpose. I know I should have ended the marraige but there was some finances that needed to be delt with and I was promised to be split the sign-up bonus that my wife had recieved for her military duties. The new girl, was upset by this, thinking I was hanging on for other reason when all I truly wanted was to be financally sound to start over with a new life with this girl. The situation turned sour when she just didnt believe I really did want her and she and I splt when she started going to stay at antoher freinds house and I felt I was being taken advantage of when Im supporting her and her two kids and there was no help in return. I asked them to leave, at the same time, my wife was having issues with her boyfirned and needed a place to stay soi she moved back in with me. We origionallyu were roomates but the depression aof not suceeding with the girl I wanted to be with was destroying me and I used my wife as a crutch as I tried to get out of my hole. My wife fell for me again and I just let it ride where she left for a tour of duty and said she would send all checks to me for her pay if I would wait for her. I did agree but not in heart. After she had left, I started seeing the girl I was after again, she ended up relapsing from an addiciton issue and I was always truying to save her or rescue her cuz there was a small part of me that couldnt bear to see her fall, I told her that my wife and I were not together and I really did love her, she didnt truly believe me and over time, her addiction turned to herion. I got so fed up with watching others fall apart form it, I decided I was going to try with her , in the hopes of understanding her view of life and recovering myself with her on my shoulders...well so much for being the white knight for her. I developed a bad addiciton myself and squandered away thousands of dollars in a matter of months and destroyed any financial security for either of us to be apart , meanwhile still hanging onto the girl I truly cared about. My wife returned from duty 2 months ago to find me in a bad addiction myself and soon found that I was still seeing this girl. The two talked and it all blew up for me, I started sobering up and trying to get my shit back on track, still having feeling for this girl and my wife still being by my side to carry me. I left town last week to help a freind who had knee surgury and watch their 3 yearold daughter for 4 days . while I was gone, the girl showed up at my door with no place to go and they both started talking and realized what was going on. Now I have both living here, at first doing drugs together and both tearing me up. All I wanted was for me to believe one really wanted me for me. I wanted to get the family I wanted. I was feeling that sinse I got booted around so much, it was my turn to get something. I wanted happiness, now my marraige is over, the girl I wanted wants nothing from me, and my wife is so upset with me that she is going to do all she can to punish me for leading her on. My life just seems to be an epic failure. I dont see any point to it all. Its such a mess and I just ran out of unemployment and not sure how long Ill hae a roof over my head. I have place to go, but my mother wont help. She dont believe that I deserve it. I really do feel all alone in all this. I feel alone in life. I feel alone when I see others happiness. Im sorry this is so long, the forum does say..let it all out...I am. I am soo frustrated and dont see where to go. I dont have direction and I am being hurt by two women who once I thought cared about me. Both are living here, I am staying strong for my daughter, but my step son has left and moved in with his father. I thought I had a bond with him but he was manuplated by his mother during her addictions and he felt it was my fault this all happened. I feel like I have lost it all. What is the point? what goal is there? What is happiness? Cuz I have lost sight of it...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Keep your eyes and your heart with your daughter She is the reason the goal the purpose for living now. Don't pass on the inevitable of suicide to her if you do this she will more than likely do the same. Be strong for her and enjoy the time you have to spend with her because it is all to fleeting. You have had a horrible life I hope you and your daughter will have some great times together