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Where to begin...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bandgeeksrneato, Oct 29, 2012.

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  1. Where to begin...I'm 26...people always tell me things like it's so easy.
    I had to move home after I graduated from college...I seriously hate my home town. It's a depressing, crushing black hole. People just say "Move then."
    I have a job I absolutely hate, but I need money for bills and health insurance. People say "Just quit then."
    I was dumped by the love of my life...after the break up I had a miscarriage...and a few months later he married someone else. People say " Get over it. Move on. You'll find someone else."

    If I could afford to move I would, if I could afford to quit or if I could find another job in this crappy town I would (basically it's either I don't have the experience or I'm "overqualified" which is a load of crap), and if I could get over it I would.

    I try to shake these feelings and people just say I need to quit feeling sorry for myself. Because of that I'm not able to express my feelings and talk about it with anyone...well maybe a therapist, but I called the ones here in the town I live in. I was desperate for help and one receptionist literally laughed at my when I asked if they accepted my insurance. I gave that up. My uncle is a psychiatrist...but I'm afraid to talk to him because I don't want to hurt my family with my feelings. I've already made my mom cry and worry about me. Things just haven't gone right. Seriously after 4 years of being stuck in this town, a year of this job (I try really hard to be thankful for gainful employment, but it's tough), and months of torment from this guy I just can't catch a break. I've been trying for so long to put off these feelings and give myself something to look forward to! I'm slipping again! My brother just told me that he's expecting a child in the summer, and I'm trying to hold on to meet my niece or nephew but it makes me feel worse...I'm alone all the time. I get up, go to work, come home and put on sweats, and just lay in bed. I don't have any friends to hang out with or socialize with. I live with my mom and sister, and God I love them so much, but they have lives...I never felt like I fit in with my family. And as lame as this sounds I spend most of my time hanging out with my dogs.

    I've lost interest in my hobbies...I forgot what I used to enjoy! The guy that dumped me still uses me to this day even though he's married...when he's having issues with his wife (which is all the time, I still don't understand why he married her skank ass, all they do is fight) he comes to me and talks to me...he came by my house a few weeks ago to talk...after he left he sent me a text that said he wanted to come back and have sex...I said no, had I said yes I would have been so humiliated I wouldn't be here today. Now that he got what he wanted from her suddenly she's the best person ever and he acts like I'm a crazy person. He always brings up the past and says all kinds of stuff, but when things in his life go right...and I quote "You make all my problems worse. You're a terrible person." And God I miss having friends I miss getting phone calls and text messages...besides my a-hole ex, my phone is silent. I've been stood up 3 times in the last 2 weeks...I've been told I'm a good woman, but nobody wants me not even as a friend. The last time I went out alone I went to the casino, drank, and lost a couple hundred dollars...don't tell my boss, but I drove home drunk because honestly I wanted to crash into a ditch or pole and just die...people would just say how stupid I am and move on. I know it was foolish I could have hurt someone innocent...haven't done that since.

    I just feel like everyone's life is moving forward and I'm stuck...everyone is passing me by...I screwed up so much in my life....had I not screwed up I could have graduated professional school this year and been doing a career I love. Instead I'm stuck at a job I can't stand, alone everyday, just miserable.

    Sorry this was so long, but it's been a bad day and I just needed to get all this out of my system...
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    They don't understand hun because they never felt depression One just does not move on god. I am sorry for the miscarriage hun i do hope somehow you can talk to someone You hun reach out to your relative that is a psychiatrist ok You ask for help and you want to keep everything confidential You cannot fight this alone hun so please get the help you deserve ok
    and block the ex number don't talk to him or let him anywhere near you. We all make mistakes hun but you can start anew path with support go back and get that schooling you want
    so you can move away Hugs to you
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    You are severly depressed, and who wouldnt be after all that and a miscarriage.
    I had 5 miscarriages and what with the sadness of losing a child and the hormone imbalance, well frankly, I was ready for the funny farm!
    See your GP about some anti-depressants, they do actually work. :eek:hmy:
    And how about having a word with your uncle, even if you feel uncomfortable talking to him; he may be able to refer you to someone suitable.
    Also, he would not be able to discuss anything you told him outside the session, all psychiatrists are constrained, like priests, to not mention anything said to them in a therapy session or the confessional.
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