Where to begin?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by dink, Apr 21, 2013.

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  1. dink

    dink Well-Known Member

    There is so much going on right now and I want to scream but I can't. I have a son that is about to turn 5. I am a single mother with no help with him. I see a therapist and have a case manager, but they aren't much help. My son is already in behavioral therapy and has been for quite some time in one form or another. Within the last 3 months I have had surgery on my ankle that is not healing right and may be looking at a 3rd surgery. Not only that, but my other ankle is going bad from being on crutches for so long and I will probably end up needing surgery on it too.
    During my "healing" period, my brother was staying with us to "help out". Well help out he did not. He ended up overdosing on Heroin in my bathtub. He is still alive. Not before doing damage to my DS. He saw him in the tub with me trying to get him conscious. I have answered all of his questions in as simple of terms as I can. My parents both think that I am the bad guy for filing an official police report on my brother for also stealing my pain medicine while he was here. My neighbor also stole some of my pain meds, so I have lost her as a friend too. My mother hasn't even talked to me in over a month bc I filed with the police (not that they did anything). This was my brother's 3rd or 4th heroin OD in just a few months. But I am the bad person for trying to protect my son and myself. I have been the one to lose people for doing the "right" thing. I don't understand it. Why am I so unlovable? I have been searching to try and find a place to move to that is about 800 miles away from my family with my son. They never help out with anything, so moving to a place where we know no one...I wouldn't get any less help. The only thing that bothers me is that we both have pretty good providers where we currently live at the moment. The only reason we are still here is that my mother likes to hold the "purse strings" over my head and since I am on disability, she has money that was given to both myself and my son a few Christmas' ago ($15K). I need this money to move.
    I am sitting here crying and I don't even know why. It hasn't been all that many months ago that the thought of taking both my DS and my own life was a prominent thought. I feel the depression creeping back into my head and I really need someone to care. I can't handle having no one care about me any longer. Please help me.
     
  2. PrimordialSoup

    PrimordialSoup New Member

    First off, I'd like to say that even if no one immediately around you, seems to care, I'll bet that they care a lot more than you think, although you're in such a dark place that you can't see it. And if they truly don't care, try and take comfort in the fact that people who don't even know you and haven't even spoken to you before, such as myself, do care. Your five year old son cares about you, and is needs his mother there. Before you contemplate suicide anymore, look at your son. Look at how much he needs you. Imagine all the things you'll miss if you go. His first girlfriend. His wedding. His graduation. Moving up to 'big school'. It's easy to blame yourself for the struggles that he's going through but you are not to blame and you are not a bad mother. I can tell you that even parents who are seemingly perfect can have children with problems, for example a girl I know goes to therapy because she feels she can't be as perfect as her mum. What you did about your brother was the right thing, so don't blame yourself for your mother's reaction to this- she probably knew that it was the right thing to do as deep down she knows what he did was wrong and feels that maybe some of the blame lies with her for how her son has turned out. As for the problems with your ankles, I hope that they get better soon and just keep pushing through with the treatment- it will get better. If you are sure you want to move away with your son for a fresh start, have you asked your mother about why she is keeping the money? In terms of therapy, I'd suggest that you tell them how you are feeling and about how hopeless things are at the moment; maybe they could start/change your medication and suggest new ideas for extra help.

    There is a light at the end of the tunnel, you just can't see it yet.

    Take care x
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am so sorry your family is this unconscious and unable to be of support. Its horrible that your so called friend, and your brother stole medication. And that your brother od in your home. And then your mother got angry with you for doing the right thing. They sound quite unhealthy, to put it mildly. I think your actions were healthy. You reported them, as well you should have.

    I am sorry your mother holds the purse strings. Thats a big problem, I can see. Being in disability is difficult because, well for me It keeps me way below the poverty line. Way below. I suggest this a lot. So people likely are getting sick and tired of seeing me say it. But if you live in the US, have you tried calling united way to see if there are any more services you or your son might find? I had to call twice before I found something. Different people who work there find different things. Depending on how resourcful they are. Usually the phone number for united way is 211. No matter where you live in the US.

    Pleasd try to not take your life. Please keep fighting. Because i can hear that you are a reasonable person who has the misfortune of a family who is not supportve, to put it mildly. Please keep making calls irl to find support. the squeeky wheel gets the grease. okay that is a wierd saying. But still sometimes it does work. I know how hard it can be to reach out again and again. But please try with all your might. Are you feeling strong enough to do that? I honestly do not know. And so i ask.

    Finally, please keep posting. okay? :hug:
     
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