Where to begin?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Citizen, Aug 23, 2007.

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  1. Citizen

    Citizen New Member

    Well...I guess its pretty obvious that I'm here for help. I'm seeing a therapist now who helped me get into a psych ward for a few days, as I was feeling suicidal but I wanted to live, to get help. She's great. I started rehab and NA meetings this week as I was using as a way of self-medicating. They are great people who genuinely want to help me get clean, which I desperately want. I've been taking my meds regularly - in fact increased thoughts of suicide are a side effect. All of this has been voluntary. I do want to live, to be able to love and be loved.

    Tonight after NA, I came home and just felt empty. I sat on the couch and watched a little TV and had a few laughs. Then I began to cry. I feel sad all the damn time and I don't know why. I felt like killing myself, but didn't. It's like there are two people inside me, warring over. I know that its my real self trying to control the addict in me by getting rid of the addict for good, that I'm in the last stage of addiction where life either ends or begins.

    I don't have a real best friend that I can talk to and that will understand me. My phone is silent all the time. I just feel alone all the time. Kind of like a shadow, you know its there but don't pay it any attention.
    I'm just lost. I don't want to go back to the ward. There's no help to be given there. The only thing tying me here to this world is my parents and knowing it would destroy them.

    I just don't know what to do. Any thoughts?
  2. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Firstly welcome to SF. I hope you find comfort and help here. Secondly congrats for taking the step to go to NA and try to kick the habit. That is the first step to living a healthier and drug free life and I commend you for that.

    As for the feelings of one minute you are laughing and the next crying, i know how youa re feeling. That happens to me from time to time. I could be having a great time and all fo a sudden a fear grips me and just consumes me. I am sorry you are having a tough time.

    You have your parents and that is good, keep remembering them and the fact that they are probably truly proud of you for trying to turn a new leaf. They love you dearly I'm sure. It seems that way from what oyu've said.

    Please take care of yourself and best of luck on your journey here
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