Where to from here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Iain, Jun 8, 2011.

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  1. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Long story short, I posted the long story in the wrong place. Shows how stupid I am. My wife of 24 years left me... where to from here? I am nothing. I cant stop crying. I would have stepped in from if the train on Sunday night if I had more guts. But I dont. I lined up all of my meds yesterday and looked up how much a lethal dose was. I have pleanty to do it. All I need is a little booze and this pain will go. I wish oh how I wish I had the courage to just go to sleep and not wake up
  2. Victori@

    Victori@ Well-Known Member

    Im sorry you are feeling so down and depressed. Have you seen your doctor or a therapist since the breakup. I understand things are very hard and difficult for you but I hope you WILL find the strength within yourself to keep your head up and move on to bigger and better things! Im always around if you need somebody to talk to! Hugs!
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry iain ...breakups are always so hard and the pain overwhelming but please don't hurt yourself..
    give yourself some time to adjust to this and postpone your plans ..

    I see you've just joined SF so why not stay around and talk to us for a while and let us try to help you through this tough time..

    I know you won't believe me now but it's not worth taking your life because of whats happened..
    if you don't feel safe then get yourself to ER / hospital or talk to your doctor asap
  4. me myself and i

    me myself and i Account Closed

    I have experienced this.
    Only time will start to heal you.
    There are many different emotions you must deal with on the journey.
    Forgiveness of both yourself and others is the key.
    By forgiveness, i don't just mean saying sorry, i mean showing that fogiveness through change, to be try to be a better person everyday.
    Guilt, rejection, loss, hurt,isolation, pain all of these are loved my depression.
    You have children too, you HAVE to stay strong for them.
    There are ways to do this, i am STILL a work in progress, but if you want to talk, please pm me, my ears and heart are open to you.
    You can become whole again, you can find love for yourself again, you can be a wonderful man and father. But that is up to you.

  5. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    why did this occur?
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Can I ask why losing your wife is so devastating?

    I lost a shorter term mate. Much like you in was devastated. Till I sat down and really thought about why I was hurting. When I think about it, it was because I lacked the confidence to find another. So I am working to change that. That is just me though.

    Look on the bright side, :tongue: When you start dating someone new you can play around. Then when she asks for a commitment you can say. I spent 24 years committed to someone. I have no interest in starting another commitment any time soon. Man I am jealous.
  7. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Why did this happen? If I knew the answer I would change whatever it was. My wife tells me that she is a different person and needs to live a life apart from us.
    Dating again? I dont think so. I found my life partner and now she doenst need me. I cannot think of that.
    Thankyou all for your words of support.
    Its Friday morning, Im alive and still here.
    I will keep talking through this.
    All of you help.
  8. Ladyoftherats

    Ladyoftherats Member

    Hello hon.
    I can't imagine how awful this must be for you, and the first few weeks, maybe months, are going to be the hardest, but it'll get better.
    The not knowing is the worst part, but perhaps once she's had her space, she'll be more open to be approached about why this happened and you can have some understanding and closure.
    I'm so overwhelmingly glad you're still here on this Friday morning. I don't know what time it is where you are, but this is going to be your day. I will wander through it with you, look at things and see all the little details you've missed in the world, if it's raining, let it wash away your sadness for a few hours, if it's sunny, let it illuminate all the colours of the world, all the corners of the darkness in your mind.
    I'm guessing if you'd been with your wife for so long, she's a great friend of yours. If you did anything 'drastic', you'd never be able to remember all those beautiful memories, or talk to her again. It may seem like a way out right now, but it's so much more beneficial for you to battle through the days.
    You have some wonderful people on here who care, and I am one of them.
    Happy Friday sweetie.
    Keep your chin up. You deserve to be happy, and we'll get there together.
  9. LightInTheDarkestNight

    LightInTheDarkestNight Well-Known Member

    I'm very sorry you're a horrible position and feeling so bad and your wife left you.

    You could call it more guts to step in front of the train but I think deep down inside you have a will to live, you just don't want to be relieved from the deep pain and sorrow you're in.

    I'm guessing you were blindsided by your wife leaving you. Your identity was with her as your wife and now you're all alone. I can only imagine how hard of a loss that is especially a wife of 24 years.

    Breakups can often be harder for men like it's often the case when men are married or in quite long term and committed relationships they lose contact with their friends. They woman becomes their everything. While women on the other hand still have their female friends around.

    Possibly reconnect with some old friend or spend some time with family go out for dinner a couple drinks. A combination of anything active and social is a good idea as well.

    Anything to get your mind of your loss and enjoy the moment.

    Do you have children?

    Best wishes.
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You are still in the greiving stage.. There's no time limit on it..It took me a year of crying in my pillow before I moved onto the anger stage..Thats al it took for me to get over my ex...Time does heal all wounds..You will get past this just give it time..
  11. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I'm glad you're still around Iain...
    I see it's a sunny 20c in Perth..it's currently 6c down the bottom of 'down under' where I am
    you keep holding on ok and I believe you can get through this..
    are you still working? or having time off?
    can I ask how old your kids are?
    you don't have to answer any questions if you don't feel up to it..
    take care
    :aussie: :console:
  12. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Sunday morning. I at least slept last night for a bit. And didnt have to take a pill to sleep so I didnt feel groggy this morning. She is coming over at lunch time today. First she has to have her hair done though. I keep thinking about what might happen. In my mind Ive set up these triggers to kill myself. If she brings someone. I kill myself If she says shes not coming back. I kill myself. If she does or says any of a number of things. I kill myself.
    I have edit <total eclipse moderator methods>, Im fairly certain that will do the job.
    If Im not a part of a couple then I am nothing and I am worthless.

    Lets see what happens
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2011
  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I hope you reconsider Iain....
    you are not worthless or nothing without a partner...

    you are a man in great pain.
    this depression is clouding your judgement

    instead of taking your life if these things happen get yourself to hospital asap...
    if not for yourself then for your children..

    we're here for you..
  14. Iain

    Iain Well-Known Member

    Thankyou for the words.....
    the words do not take the pain away.
    I need this pain to simply stop.
  15. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I know you do but thats what the doctors are there for...to help with the pain..
    some meds, and some time I believe will help ease the pain..
    I understand the pain is overwhelming that's why I want you to get help..
    please don't transfer this pain to your children...3 more lives will be destroyed

    I'm so worried about you losing your life when I believe you can get through this if you just hold on
  16. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Hey Iain - my condolences with regards to the current matrimonial troubles. 24 years is a long time to be with the same person for - and when it goes wrong the pain is obviously on a par with bereavement.

    Some might say worse - because if the person you love dies - it is easier to deal with than if he or she walks out on you or declares their love for you is no longer enough to hold you.

    Sadly its a reality millions have to face up to. I've seen this happen a few times myself - not to me but to friends, associates and some family.

    Do you think your wife had any reasons to walk out? Any bad habits you might have had? Or has she perhaps grown a little bit colder over the years - or shown any sign of falling out of love?

    It is not often that women 'just leave' especially when married and married for a pretty long time. Then again it happens - I've seen it happen and sometimes I guess women just mature into someone who no longer need us.

    You mention no sign of any other man on the horizon so it seems like her reason for leaving is not due to her perhaps falling in love with someone else.

    I guess you'll be asking a lot of questions - some you might have answers for but the main question of WHY? is one that only she knows.

    In my book - if your going to meet her - you need to be sober, and make sure you don't get angry. I know its hard but your both adults - and hopefully if you remain diplomatic then she might tell you more about the why.

    Were to go next - I guess her leaving is a trial separation - and maybe she just needs some time to work out her own thoughts - which is something you have to agree to because she will go ahead and do it regardless. She is an equal - treat her as such and if she wants to live apart for a while then you have to continue work if your working and if she tells you what went wrong its possible you can mend your ways if indeed any ways need mending!

    The last thing you need to be doing is planning suicide. The method you hint at could just as well leave you severely disabled as well as being severely depressed.

    IF there is to be any hope of winning her heart back - trust me suicide attempts are the worse thing a man can do. It might bring her back, for a while - but in the long term its likely to drive her away.

    Being part of a couple has its obvious benefits - even in nature pairs are usually likely to stand a better chance of surviving. But with women - we have to be careful we don't make too many demands on them - we need our own interests, your 'man time' which leaves her free to enjoy a bit of solitude.

    I'm not married but have friends who are and know a lot of older people who have been married 40 years or more! The recipe for success in my own family was that all the men who married had outside interests - passions, hobbies, things which got them out the house a few evenings, and away for the odd weekend - or trips here and there. As love matures - couples generally get along better when they do other things.

    Anyhow, for now, you don't know what is going to happen - but you can prepare for the worse, hope for the best. You have to be diplomatic when she visits - let her explain as I'm sure she will IF you remain calm and don't make any emotional outbursts.

    I do know many people who have been kicked out for a few months when their women got tired of various things - drink, gambling, drugs. They get put on probation and women punish our stupidity by generally kicking us out or moving out back to their mother's who will always offer a welcome to the daughter.

    Hope you just take this day by day - you will get through it - and you will will have a surer notion of how this is going to play once you have a conversation with her about the situation.

    Don't do anything rash in the meantime!

    You have to be strong if you want her to stay.

    We'll cross each bridge as we come to it - but in the meantime....

    Tidy the house!

    At least have it looking decent.

    Good luck.
  17. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    :confused: wait... if I read your most recent post correctly you said you kill yourself if she agrees to come back?

    Anyway, sorry for posting so late. Look friend, love is a great thing. To hurt this much means you felt really good at one point. You can feel that way again. This is a shock, I can completely understand. We all need time to grieve.

    If she does not return, well that is what happens. That is part of life, people change and their feelings change. We cannot dictate what our mates will feel. That is their mind and theirs alone. I know this is cliché, but this is not an end, it is a new beginning.

    You can find a new hobby, move to a new place, change your appearance, change your lifestyle. There are so many things you can do. You do not have to jump into romance. You can however give your heart time to heal. It will heal, for me it took a couple of months. Soon that sadness turned to anger and that anger into motivation to become even better.

    Plus, if you die now, you won't be around if she decides to come back later. There is nothing wrong with hoping for that as well. In the mean time you can become even more awesome.

    I hope this message reaches you in time.
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