Where to go from here

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by cie, May 9, 2014.

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  1. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Hi everyone. I haven't been here in quite some time because I wanted to be left alone... And I suppose that's strange because you can't get much more alone than I've been.

    I'm not in a crisis situation yet, but if I don't do something soon I will be. Hard to know where to begin. At the end of the road, really.

    About a month ago I got sick and was coughing stuff up so didn't go to uni for several days. And that broke the routine I had just begun to establish, then I relapsed. The last time I relapsed while studying I almost failed my course, and I refused to let it get that bad again, so I got in touch with disability services and explained the situation. I had already missed some time and the two subjects I was struggling in I was told to withdraw from or I'd fail them. I withdrew, and lost my money and progress in those two papers. There is this 'fees reconsideration' form sitting here that I don't have the energy to even fill that out.

    Disability said to help me further they need evidence of my condition, but I don't have the energy to even pick up the phone and talk to people, not my GP and no one else either.

    It's been a month since talking to disability. Fortunately holidays hit right after that and it gave me room to breath or I'd already be done. My only paper that remains is the Computer Science one and that's because it's simple and am just doing it to prove my knowledge so I can progress. I've been doing my assignment (one a week) on days where I can feel some glimmer of hope, but that wont last, it's only getting worse.

    This entire time my therapist hasn't gotten in touch with me - I should tell him but I don't know him very well, as he's a new one, but I don't understand the silence for that length of time since we scheduled fortnightly calls. My Dad calls me but I haven't been able to tell him. My flatmates are good people but I haven't told them either. They've noticed I don't attend school, but they're out enough that I lie about it and feel bad for doing so but I can't handle anything right now...

    I haven't talked to my GP, or anyone about anything, and I don't want to - which is irrelevant - because I can't. I need to be alone, but at the same time I don't want to be.

    Spent 10 years being suicidal from ages 8-18. And I'm slowly crawling back to that place but it's a one way road this time. I feel lonely in ways I can't describe, I have no money and actually extended my credit limit and bought stuff to make myself feel better, and since I can't work I can't pay it back, and I'm not in a good enough place to even regret it or care but I do know it's not good. I wish I had someone around physically but I can't cope with people right now.

    I haven't taken my meds in the past 2-3 weeks and it's not a conscious decision, only realized a couple of days ago. So, soon the hallucinations will begin, already starting to mistake things at night for what they aren't.

    Besides my Dad and Brother I have no family left, they didn't die, but they're really disgusting people and if they talked to me I'd bother to disown them. My brother has no clue of my illness, my Dad does, but thinks it no longer affects me.

    I don't expect any advice or anything, just wanted to talk. Thanks for reading.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Cie i am sorry you are suffering so Please hun please call you doctor office please get the doctor to forward any information to your school ok just do it so you can get reminbursed some of that money ok You are sick hun please if you cannot do it get your dad to do it he will help or a friend to help you please ok
    You do this NOW hun don't wait any longer hugs
  3. cie

    cie Banned Member

    Tried to do my assignment, I can't, my head wont let me. I found out tomorrow there is a mandatory test. I can not go, even if I did, I don't have the concentration - it is impossible.

    I will call the Doctor tomorrow and get a medical certificate and have them extend, that is all I can think of. But it wont be enough, even if they extend they will want a time frame. I will probably withdraw also from this paper and not go back.
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