Hi everyone. I haven't been here in quite some time because I wanted to be left alone... And I suppose that's strange because you can't get much more alone than I've been. I'm not in a crisis situation yet, but if I don't do something soon I will be. Hard to know where to begin. At the end of the road, really. About a month ago I got sick and was coughing stuff up so didn't go to uni for several days. And that broke the routine I had just begun to establish, then I relapsed. The last time I relapsed while studying I almost failed my course, and I refused to let it get that bad again, so I got in touch with disability services and explained the situation. I had already missed some time and the two subjects I was struggling in I was told to withdraw from or I'd fail them. I withdrew, and lost my money and progress in those two papers. There is this 'fees reconsideration' form sitting here that I don't have the energy to even fill that out. Disability said to help me further they need evidence of my condition, but I don't have the energy to even pick up the phone and talk to people, not my GP and no one else either. It's been a month since talking to disability. Fortunately holidays hit right after that and it gave me room to breath or I'd already be done. My only paper that remains is the Computer Science one and that's because it's simple and am just doing it to prove my knowledge so I can progress. I've been doing my assignment (one a week) on days where I can feel some glimmer of hope, but that wont last, it's only getting worse. This entire time my therapist hasn't gotten in touch with me - I should tell him but I don't know him very well, as he's a new one, but I don't understand the silence for that length of time since we scheduled fortnightly calls. My Dad calls me but I haven't been able to tell him. My flatmates are good people but I haven't told them either. They've noticed I don't attend school, but they're out enough that I lie about it and feel bad for doing so but I can't handle anything right now... I haven't talked to my GP, or anyone about anything, and I don't want to - which is irrelevant - because I can't. I need to be alone, but at the same time I don't want to be. Spent 10 years being suicidal from ages 8-18. And I'm slowly crawling back to that place but it's a one way road this time. I feel lonely in ways I can't describe, I have no money and actually extended my credit limit and bought stuff to make myself feel better, and since I can't work I can't pay it back, and I'm not in a good enough place to even regret it or care but I do know it's not good. I wish I had someone around physically but I can't cope with people right now. I haven't taken my meds in the past 2-3 weeks and it's not a conscious decision, only realized a couple of days ago. So, soon the hallucinations will begin, already starting to mistake things at night for what they aren't. Besides my Dad and Brother I have no family left, they didn't die, but they're really disgusting people and if they talked to me I'd bother to disown them. My brother has no clue of my illness, my Dad does, but thinks it no longer affects me. I don't expect any advice or anything, just wanted to talk. Thanks for reading.