Where to go from here?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by sorry, Aug 16, 2009.

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  1. sorry

    sorry Member

    I am not sure if I am posting the right thing at a right place being a newcomer on here, but over the years, I have had more than my fair share of trouble with mind, and I want to let stuff out, not for anyone else to share my troubles in return, but just come in and listen.

    I am an 18 year guy having had trouble with college and that was just the tip of the iceberg. All these 5 years of being a teen, I have only done nothing, just as this insignificant life of mine has been a nothing sight! My routine was dull and boring for the most part. Recently though it has also become lifeless for a change. I remember, in years gone by, how naive a person I was. My interests were limited to tv and video games, movies and all that, having no practical sense of real life till I woke up to the reality. It was a cruel awakening from what the dreamy world I used to live in, the world of fantasy-bubbles I thought was all what there was to this once-happy life. And although I don't quite remember when it all had happened, I have ever since been sinking into the depths of helpless unhappiness more and more within. Slow but sure I lost my interests in studies and building myself a career, for the sake of my current negative views on life. Furthermore, I have lost the heart to get myself into the amenities of social life as well. When I was young, I was kept home, shut off from the community, ever wanting to see the outwardly existing world but "thankfully" (in inverted commas) denied the opportunity by my family elders. The only people I knew were those from school, and even them I would not meet anywhere outside school. And now, what do you know, what I should become but a sad, sensitively introverted person, hiding out from the eye of world like a mouse hiding from his pursuer, cat. All along, hardly did I know, where I was heading to. All this time I thought I was getting somewhere, I have ended up a blind alley.
    Recently, I failed in my college courses, which was a matter of course as my college life had been a totality of disaster. My teachers were all down on me from the word go, and the little few, who were my friends, didn't embrace but pity my rather pathetic-self. In the encirclement of company of people, whether I knew them or not, I would always seem to be ill at ease. I was a person of a few words. Even I did not know what else to say to people other than words said on automatic pilot for greetings -- HI and Hello/ How are you e.t.c. If someone would go on any further, asking about my life, or the ongoing happenings, rest assured I would fall flat, wishing for the ground to just swallow me up. All in all, I was a quiet person whose sullen humour was marked by silence alone. But the silence itself had been awkward at occasions which demanded something more of me than those deadened responses that always made me come on as a dumb-headed specimen. People would stare me back on the first moment, that time period lingering on and on, during which it would seem they were laughing at me to themselves, or wondering what silly manner of a person I was, but then sweep their glances away on the second moment as if they cared not. In fact indifference was what I got treated with. I pretended to be just as carefree, but deep inside, I had this wild field of battle to walk my thoughts through, the fields of doubts if I will ever make progress in life? If I will ever make good friends? The fear of being left alone had but come true long since I dreamed of its nightmare. All my friends are here today and gone tomorrow. And now this coming and going has taken its toll on me. I have realized my irresolution of mind being responsible to give the user a license of handling me at will. I get diddled and fooled easily. I believe in everyone all they say, and it opens them an opportunity to take me in. I have not met many new people in my life in the world outside. So any person I come close to, I am afraid to lose him/her, and eventually I do. That’s all I need to go further into isolation and abandonment..

    With all my failures and fears and issues of aloneness, disagreements between myself and family (I didn’t mention those to cut all this short) recently I have thought myself to suicidal feelings. I also do know for a fact that I wouldn’t be able to carry out so guts-demanding a task. But still I am wishing for death. I am wishing to be lost and gone forever.
    Heaven help me now, I don’t know myself anymore, making for a very sorry sight indeed.
     
  2. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    hi there welcome 2 the forum..
    i can relate alot 2 ur post .. i find it very easy 2 isolate myself..
    have u tried telling anyone around u about how your feeling? mabye a friend/family member.. or a doctor?
    sorry 2 read ur courses didnt go well.. but u can resit them if u wanted 2? u sound like a very intelligent individual.. im sure u could pass them ..

    take care .. and feel free 2 pm me anytime :hug:
     
  3. sorry

    sorry Member

    Thanks for the response, Mandy.
    Yes I have tried sharing a word or two about my feelings with some friends, but today they are not here with me as we speak. I should like to assume I bored them to leave. With me, misery loves company.
    Intelligent person? Not me, thanks. I have seen clearly to myself and find nothing out of ordinary, yet everything beyond normality. Sorrily, that's the way it is.
    I am too afraid now to share what I go through. With those around me, that could alter their behavior and dealings with respect to me. So I contain it to myself, let it build up, and then lock myself in room and wish the troubles away. So it has been. So it will be always.
     
  4. mandyj101

    mandyj101 Well-Known Member

    im sure u dont bore them .. mabye they just dont understand about feeling low - or depression..
    i too am guilty of not expressing my true feeling.. i let them build up also.. and it doesnt do me any good..
    do u have a doctor u could see?
    i spoke 2 mine and was offered medication and therapy.. it can help.. x
     
  5. sorry

    sorry Member

    No I havent been to any doctor whatsoever. I don't know if it'll do as long as I can't help it. Having medications is an uninstructive way to dissipate reality, thus putting me into an unmindful frame of mind, and I have my doubts if my failures would be helped by them. It would only change my attitude thereto, yet everything would just stay the same..maintaining its ever worst atrocity, my life would continue to be on the shambles as always.
     
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