My mind is racing my heartbeat is threw the roof. Its everything I can do to sit here and compose this. All I want to do right now is destroy things. I have so much rage and there is no where to put it. I cant hardly sit still. I have no one to turn to. No one in my life understands. I cant get a job I'm looking at being homeless soon Unemployment is still jerking me around 1.5 months later after being laid off threw no fault of my own. Thats the current shit anyway. Its one thing after another. Its not just all in my head. My life has been one big pile of shit after another. There has honestly never been anything good about it except when I was locked up in a youth facility as a kid. Thats when the beatings finally stopped. I don't trust councilors. I don't take meds. I have no one I can open up to that wouldn't freak out on me about whats in my head. The one person I almost trust would call 911 and have me set up for a 72hr evaluation. I'll die before that happens. I don't want someone thats going to tell me every things gonna be ok. Its NOT GOING TO BE OK. If that was the case it would have been ok years ago. I don't want someone thats paid to listen to me and will forget my name 10 minutes later. I don't want to hear about how people care about me. I have been shit on my whole life by people that claim they care about me. I just can't live like this any more. I fight and I fight and everything blows up in my face over and over again. I don't know if I should kill my self or commit some sort of crime that will lock me up for good. Then I wont have to worry about where I'm going to sleep, eat, live and there will be doctors that might help me. But then I dont trust doctors................... FUCK!!