Sitting in my little apartment smoking to many cigarettes. Feeling so alone. I am 41 yo, no job and no friends. My wife and I split 12 years ago and my daughter will turn 13 in a month. I see her every two month - maybe it is a choice from my side. I have nothing to offer her. Last time I was happy was a year ago when I worked with senior citizens. That was great. But now you need an education to this work and I cant live on the money I would receive while studying and I cant get any jobs on the side in this economy. I have no will to change my life. I am overweight and smoking too much. It is Monday morning 5:00 and I have yet again being up all night doing nothing but playing computer games, drinking coffee and smoking. I used to have many friends, but they have cut me off slowly over the years and I have a hard time finding new friends. Now I have one friend but he just had a baby with his girlfriend and now they are busy working on their new house. I think that this friendship is going down. Next weekend my daughter will come here and I am serious looking for a way out of that arrangement. Why would she spend time here with a dad that does nothing but sitting in front of his computer from the moment he gets up? This feeling of being alone comes in waves, drowning me and leave me so empty. I have not that much of a family. A sister I see when I feel like it (she and her partner has pushed me to visit them more often, but I cant.... no energy for small talk). My dad died five years ago and I miss him so much. My mother found a "boyfriend" - a real idiot that keeps talking down to me the rare occasions I visit them. So I have stopped visiting them. Damn, I did not see me sitting alone as 41 yo with no network. The thoughts of leaving this earth has become so comforting to me.