Where to start?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Concave, May 4, 2010.

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  1. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    Sorry if this gets a lil verbose and long winded. I've been depressed for a long time. I beleive I've aslo been bi-polar too since i was little. I just kind of never dealt w/ it and put on the happy act. I tried commiting suicide once when I was about 11 or 12... foolishly took a bunch of tylenol. I ended getting my stomach pumped and nothing was ever really done about my problems (teenage angst kinda thing, and I didn't want the help either.) Ever since I was small I'd all of a sudden get these feelings that nothing would make me happy no matter what; they usually wouldn't last long so I never thought much about it. I started occasionally smoking pot in 7th grade, and by 10th grade I was a full blown pot head. Although i did manage to keep my grades up in school and relatively stay out of trouble.

    So my freshmen year in high school one of my brothers commits suicide on Thanksgiving, which also happened to be his 27th bday. My dad had cancer that had went into remission, but then it came back as bone cancer and he didn't want to put himself through chemo again. So he ends up passing away right before my sophmore year of high school. In b/t my brothers suicide and and my dad's death another one of my brothers had a massive brain anyeurism, and the equivalent of a stroke once he was in the hospital. Oh yeah and when I was about 7 I found my grandfather on the floor of his house, he had a heart attack and passed away.

    well during high school i pretty much refused any counselors and just self medicated with drugs and whatnot. I did/do have pretty good, smart, and supportive group of friends luckily. But I just didn't really talk about it much...kinda outa sight outa mind type deal. I've always been shy and overweight so I was extremely body conscious which made me shy if I didn't know people. I had a few girlfriends in 8th grade, but then high school rolled around and I moved to Houston and became scared of rejection from girls so I never pursued any; although looking back there were people interested in me. I was just too clouded to see it or maybe to picky and self conscious. So i graduate and all that good stuff and ended up being a virgin till I was 25. My depression had seemed to be better from the ages of 19-24, but i know it was still there. I hadn't really ever thought i was bi polar but looking back i most definately am. Then I had a very good friend overdose and die when I was 26. It kind of went down bad and we never got to resolve our probs we had. I still partly blame myself for his death. Anyway this really cool girl approaches me in a bar one night and we hit it off. She was in the air force and we start dating. We had tons in common and I really thought she was the one. She even chose to be stationed somewhere else so we would still be in the same state. She did a lot for me, but I would still have some episodes... I just kept it hidden from here from fear of rejection. She ended up getting pregnant, but had a misscariage4 months later. We stayed together, but then I made the mistake of moving onto base with her (i def wasn't supposed to be there). So i felt like I couldn't come and go and was always worried I'd get her in trouble so I started getting more depressed and it was hard cause neither of us had our own space or free time. We ended up splitting up, and she gave me the whole I still love you and care about you...blah blah blah. So i move in w/ my aunt and her son who is really sick(needs a liver transplant) , but its in the same city where my ex was. we would talk a lil, but then it just got really hard for me cause I had no friends there and she was toatally distancing herself. I don't blame her as now I can see I was dragging her down, but the last text i got from her was something along the lines of 'life sucks, people die. wah' this was refering to me telling her i hope she never loses people close to her. So i've also been a klepto and had a bad habbit of stealing from stores. I would steal clothes, food, electronics, and whatever i wanted and thought I could get away with. I end up in Houston living with a friend and since my depression has gotten way worse. I got caught stealing clothes and put in jail for 3 days and have 6 months of probation. I know its not the worse thing that could of happened but its been making my depression even worse. I don't smoke pot anymore(due to probation... funny thing is pot was the best stabalizer for me) so now I drink alot and take xanax when i can get em. I know this is all over the place but i just need to vent. Been thinking alot about driving 4 hrs away and getting my shotgun and killing myself. Sometimes I research suicide methods and it is getting to where it actually makes me feel better thinking about, which is very scary to me. I need help!!! I don't have insurance or $ for the doc cause any money I get is going to fines and probation stuff. I seem to have a hard time keeping jobs due to the depression and bi-polar. I don't know what to do :(
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 4, 2010
  2. Concave

    Concave Active Member

    wow, not even 1 reply :( guess that just reaffirms i'm delusional
     
  3. mchung

    mchung Well-Known Member

    Sorry I have never been there at your situation. I havn't seen much death, and havn't been out of my home state, I am still too unexperienced to help you.

    But life is a struggle for everyone. We all have our own problems, and from how I see it, everyone is unsatisfied with where they are right now, more so to be envy of other's so called "normal life".

    Whatever you do, try not to end it. I know it is probably inappropriate for your situation, but getting professional help does help. Socializing with new people, exercising, explore interests and stuff also helps...as long as you are alive, you can make something out of it, whether it is just ok quality or great.
    Worst you can numb yourself to keep yourself alive. You should come chat often and people here would happily try to make you less stressed about your situation.
     
  4. whywhy

    whywhy Active Member

    I'm new here, and only just read it.But people are here, and might not always answer.
     
  5. shamps

    shamps Well-Known Member

    Just wanted to send you some big hugs.....I have been a bit sick so only just read your post.

    I dont think you should dwell on the fact not many people replied sometimes it goes very quiet in here but people still care.Do you have a therapist or anybody you can talk with?Please dont hurt yourself,there is always a way whether we feel like crap or not coz trust me im right there with you on that one.But im still here(reluctantly)but they are right you just gotta make of it what you can.

    Anyways.......:hug:

    Just know you can always to chat to us xox
     
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Welcome to the forum!! I know how you feel about not getting replies.. When I first joined I felt invisible.. Keep posting they will come around..I'm sorry to hear about all the deaths in your family.. You don't need to follow them.. Your brother must have been in a really tough place to commit.. Sometimes people get to the bottom of that dark hole and just don't see any way out..I too was a pot head.. I started at 12 and was full blown pothead by the time I was 17.. I agree with you that it helps to keep those demons from piling up on you..I smoked until my early thirties and then quit.. My depression came back in full force along with new psycological problems..I have been isolating myself for the last twenty some years.. No social contact but my shrink, therapist, reg doctor, and the cashier at the grocery store..Please get the help that is out there.. You can call the hospital and ask for someone in mental health.. Then you can find out if there are any places for people with low or no income..Seek The help./.
     
  7. carekitty

    carekitty Guest

    I don't know about where you live, but most places have free clinics or services, including those for mental or emotional issues. Have you checked to see if there are any in your area? Maybe you could tell your probation officer that you would like to get into some sort of counseling, although I don't know if that is something that they can help with.

    The important thing is that you do find someone you can talk to about all the things that have happened. They can help you decide if meds, or the right type of therapy, would be of help.

    You maybe also be eligible for special training, to help you find a job that you could do.

    Best of luck.
     
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