I'm 32 and had been happily engaged for almost 6 years. Before the engagement i did not have much luck with relationships. Casual sex, sure, I'm not a bad looking guy, but women ran screaming when they realized my emotional problems existed. But she didn't. How I met her was a complete fluke as well, we just started a conversation in front of a liquor store, next thing we knew we bought a 6 pack, brought it to my apt., drank it, talked all night and were inseperable from then on. She understood me. She Got It. I'm depressed, so was she, so she knew it wasn't something I could just snap out of. I was addicted to opiates, she had a coke habit, so she understood my addiction too. We had the time of our lives together, even doing basic everyday shit like going shopping. We had "our" restauraunt, "our" bar, we even loved to do silly shit like play mini golf, and win carnival prizes. We did all the usual stuff couples do, dinners, movies etc, plus we were both Deadheads so we understood that about each other and went to concerts and festivals together. I was deleriously happy (for a depressive heroin addict) and thought life might just turn out ok after all. For about 4 years. Then, she started acting weird, like she was trying to get me to break up with her---verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, etc, constant insults, ignoring me, NO sex, loss of interest in anything we usually loved to do together. Then I found out why. She was seeing someone. Big musclehead asshole that I couldn't compare to at least in the looks department. She broke off our engagement, admitted she had been seeing him and wanted to live with me as friends and roommates. As i didnt have much other options due to finances, i agreed, but under the stipulation that he would never set foot in my house or my car, and i would not have to know about him. I agreed not to bring women home. 2 weeks later she moves him into MY FUCKING HOUSE, and later i find out she's been driving him around in MY car. Where i come from (lets put it this way, I'm not a suburban kid, and when i talk about the Boys in Blue, I don't mean the cops), that is considered a serious violation of code if you get my meaning. But i couldn't bring myself to harm her, or him (although i may have to soon as he continues to threaten me with violence. I hate violence but some of my lets just say "affiliated" friends would love to get their hands on him, but they're waiting on me to say the word). Defeated i moved out and had no choice but to move in back home, at least for a while. How will i EVER find anyone new, another person that shares my beliefs, shares or at least understands my issues, loves to go out and do silly shit........I'm 32, not getting any younger, and I need love in my life, and no offense, but not cyberhug love, the real thing. I've tried to go enjoy life without her. I've gone to the arcade and won prizes, and gave them to obviously single women. 99% of them ran off like i was some serial rapist. So then i would ask a parent to give the prize to their kid, and i got looked at like a criminal for that too. I went to a restauraunt we used to eat at together because i love the food. Halfway through, i threw a $50 on the table, yelled "keep the change" and ran out to the car to cry for hours. I'm a defeated shell of a man. I am not complete without a second half, and i am too old to find one. I was going to give myself till the end of the summer to get better but am starting to realize, why bother? Even if i get a good job, move into a nice place, get my money up, stabilize on meds, i will never find love again. Ever. So what the fuck is the point? There is no point. If i don't post here again by Monday you will know I'm gone. You won't care, as I'm new, but you'll know, and you'll know why. I would prefer no life at all to a life without love.