Where will I ever find another person to love, ever?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by EyesOfTheWorld, Apr 25, 2009.

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  1. EyesOfTheWorld

    EyesOfTheWorld Active Member

    I'm 32 and had been happily engaged for almost 6 years. Before the engagement i did not have much luck with relationships. Casual sex, sure, I'm not a bad looking guy, but women ran screaming when they realized my emotional problems existed. But she didn't. How I met her was a complete fluke as well, we just started a conversation in front of a liquor store, next thing we knew we bought a 6 pack, brought it to my apt., drank it, talked all night and were inseperable from then on.

    She understood me. She Got It. I'm depressed, so was she, so she knew it wasn't something I could just snap out of. I was addicted to opiates, she had a coke habit, so she understood my addiction too.

    We had the time of our lives together, even doing basic everyday shit like going shopping. We had "our" restauraunt, "our" bar, we even loved to do silly shit like play mini golf, and win carnival prizes. We did all the usual stuff couples do, dinners, movies etc, plus we were both Deadheads so we understood that about each other and went to concerts and festivals together.

    I was deleriously happy (for a depressive heroin addict) and thought life might just turn out ok after all. For about 4 years.
    Then, she started acting weird, like she was trying to get me to break up with her---verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse, etc, constant insults, ignoring me, NO sex, loss of interest in anything we usually loved to do together.

    Then I found out why. She was seeing someone. Big musclehead asshole that I couldn't compare to at least in the looks department. She broke off our engagement, admitted she had been seeing him and wanted to live with me as friends and roommates. As i didnt have much other options due to finances, i agreed, but under the stipulation that he would never set foot in my house or my car, and i would not have to know about him. I agreed not to bring women home.

    2 weeks later she moves him into MY FUCKING HOUSE, and later i find out she's been driving him around in MY car. Where i come from (lets put it this way, I'm not a suburban kid, and when i talk about the Boys in Blue, I don't mean the cops), that is considered a serious violation of code if you get my meaning. But i couldn't bring myself to harm her, or him (although i may have to soon as he continues to threaten me with violence. I hate violence but some of my lets just say "affiliated" friends would love to get their hands on him, but they're waiting on me to say the word).

    Defeated i moved out and had no choice but to move in back home, at least for a while. How will i EVER find anyone new, another person that shares my beliefs, shares or at least understands my issues, loves to go out and do silly shit........I'm 32, not getting any younger, and I need love in my life, and no offense, but not cyberhug love, the real thing.

    I've tried to go enjoy life without her. I've gone to the arcade and won prizes, and gave them to obviously single women. 99% of them ran off like i was some serial rapist. So then i would ask a parent to give the prize to their kid, and i got looked at like a criminal for that too. I went to a restauraunt we used to eat at together because i love the food. Halfway through, i threw a $50 on the table, yelled "keep the change" and ran out to the car to cry for hours.

    I'm a defeated shell of a man. I am not complete without a second half, and i am too old to find one. I was going to give myself till the end of the summer to get better but am starting to realize, why bother? Even if i get a good job, move into a nice place, get my money up, stabilize on meds, i will never find love again. Ever. So what the fuck is the point?

    There is no point. If i don't post here again by Monday you will know I'm gone. You won't care, as I'm new, but you'll know, and you'll know why.
    I would prefer no life at all to a life without love.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I really hope you don't resort to violence. What she did is totally screwed up, and you've got every right to be hurt, pissed off ... you name it. But taking it out on either of them in a physical way wouldn't be right.

    You aren't too old to fall in love again. It can happen. But it's something that can't be forced. It usually happens when you're not looking, or when you least expect it.

    Do you have anyone close to you that you can talk to, that can help you? A friend, family member. Have you ever thought about talking to a doctor or therapist about your depression?
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When wounds are fresh, this is not the time to make plans...it takes a while to feel less injured and to see more clearly how to reconstruct your life...although you were in love with her, she shared your addictions, so ultimately, was this good for you??? I hope you find YOU in all of this...this is a gift you can give yourself while everything is unsettled...big hugs, J
  4. EyesOfTheWorld

    EyesOfTheWorld Active Member

    I would only resort to violence if he attacked me first, something he has threatened many times to do, for the crime of trying to be friends with her after the breakup. I would never physically hurt HER, but the second HE lays a hand on me...........he will NOT like what happens next.

    I have a few friends left, but they are jumping ship as they "can't deal" with me, and i should "just snap out of it" (we all know that routine), my family doesn't give a fuck and i hate them anyway for ruining my life, but thats another thread, and i'm way ahead of you on the therapist and doctor. Doctor gives meds, therapist, well, therapizes. And i'm trained in therapy myself so i can recognize things in myself that others might not see without said training.

    But I'm also a realist, and i know that after age 30 the chance of finding love dramatically decreases, especially if you aren't rich, incredible looking (I'm all right in the looks department but nothing special), or a combination of both.
    Basically a man over 30 who doesn't either have Donald Trump's wallet or Johnny Depp's body, or some combo thereof, has little chance of finding new love. Unfortunately as a person trained in sociology, I know this to be true.
  5. EyesOfTheWorld

    EyesOfTheWorld Active Member

    I have made peace with my addiction. I have intense physical pain from a near fatal car wreck (accident, not suicide attempt) that i will have for all my life. Opiates take it away. If i must take them the rest of my life, so be it. I am at peace with the opium poppy, and 90% of my drugs are legal from the doctor. It's only when i run out a few days early that i resort to heroin, and i only snort it, never shoot (less risk of od, no risk of AIDS, etc). I am totally all right with this aspect of my life, I see it as no different than taking my Wellbutrin, or a diabetic taking insulin. It's medicine. Medicine that just happens to be addictive by its very nature. As I said, I am at peace with it.
    With my opiates, I can get out of bed and move around, live. Without them i am hunched over like an ancient man at 32 and sometimes cannot get out of bed all day due to the physical pain (3 permanently slipped discs, bone against bone, severe scar tissue etc). If i have my pills or H, i can function like a normal person my age.
  6. Wow, what you went through is EXACTLY what I went through up until the last year. I just read what you wrote, and I had to take a double take to make sure I didn't write that myself. I totally understand what you're going through. It's such a horrible, shitty ass feeling to put your everything in a relationship, to only find out it wasn't worth the hassle anyway. Well maybe emotionally, but after she dogged you for a douche bag, I bet all that changed for the worse. The thing is....I know it hurts and it completely and utterly sucks, BUT....No offense, it sounded like you could have done better anyway. Although you have "mental" problems....Which 99% of the population does anyway.... It seems like your time ran out with her, and you are desperately trying to hang on to the past. I know it won't be easy to let it go...And like you said, you were with her a long time, but really... She's not worth you taking your life for. You seem like a pretty cool dude, do you have family/friends? Maybe you need to get out more? It'll take time before you'll feel better about the situation. But unfortunately, as long as you're still trying to hang on to her, you won't be able to find love again. (That's even if you want to). What I did is I brainwashed the hell out of myself to forget about "him". I made to where everytime I thought about him, I got angry, and that was better than feeling hurt. Because anger can subside, however hurt can last for years. Keep your head up, and PLEASE don't do anything irrational. I may not know you at all, but I can tell that you're a pretty decent guy and you can get out of this rut. If you need to talk, you know where to find me. And no...Not a charity case offer...I just have been in the same EXACT boat as you.
  7. EyesOfTheWorld

    EyesOfTheWorld Active Member

    And then just last night life threw me a huge curveball..........

    Hunter Thompson once said that "all energy flows according to the whims of the Great Magnet. What a fool I was to defy him...."(FLLV)
    Well, the Great Magnet has been pulling me towards my female best friend for almost 2 decades now. We have always had feelings for each other but the time was never right.......she was seeing someone, i was, she was in Florida, i was in Arizona, you know how life works.
    Anyway,last night and this morning we finally had THE TALK, and she is ready now. She wants to spend a few more nights together to see if we're compatible in the bedroom (I'll stop there before i enter TMI-land), but assuming we are, and I'm pretty sure we will be, as if there's one thing in life i'm good at.............well, there goes TMI land again.....she is ready. And not just for casual dating, she wants to get married within the year.
    She has a son, who loves me as an "Uncle" and i'm sure will love me as an adopted Dad (yes, i plan on adopting him, the whole bit. None of that stepdad shit). Holy shit, the way life can change in one night. WOW.
    Not many people can honestly say that their partner is also their best friend. In a few days i will be able to.

    Of course, this doesn't end my depressive illness, medically necessary opiate addiction, my past, my suicidal ideation, my money problems, my problems with my "friends" and "family", so I'll still be around here.
    I honestly can't believe the level of understanding i have found here

    Oh, and that's the other thing about her. She was suicidally depressed for years but isn't anymore, so she understands me. She's not an addict, although she does party, and she has no problem with me taking my opiates (with the kid around i'm going to try like hell to stick to my pills and not run out early, the heroin has got to go). Plus she's been my best friend forever, there is nothing about each other we don't already know.

    Thank you Sweet Zombie Jesus!
  8. EyesOfTheWorld

    EyesOfTheWorld Active Member

    My god.............she actually does love me. I cannot believe this, with every second i think about it it just blows my mind,
    SO, for those with relationship/love problems, there IS hope.
    My favorite band, the Grateful Dead, put it this way:
    "Once in a while you can get shown the light, in the strangest of places if you look at it right"
    Now by no means does this end my depression, other life troubles, suicidal thoughts and drug addiction, but there is hope for love. I didn't believe it either, but it's there, and sometimes its where you don't think to look although it was there the whole time.
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