Where's choice

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Innocent Forever, Oct 13, 2016.

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  1. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro

    I don't want to be constantly self harming. I really don't. Yet, I find myself doing it. I think it's that I hadn't in such a long while, yeah, I was constantly slipping up, but that was like just for moments, because it was just slipping up. Now, once I've started once, I'm back at it. Except it's a whole lot more constant. Even that is okay. What isn't, is that, I'm looking back, and I can't see where I chose to. So last night I reached out to others, worked on a puzzle, and then supposedly chose to pick something up to mess up with. But, I wasn't really choosing it. I just WAS. It just was. Just is. But where, then, was I choosing? I don't want to constantly do this, but if I don't even know when I have a choice to do anything differently there'll be no way for me to do it differently.
    I hate myself right now. Like I ever don't. I just want some peace from life for a bit. And doesn't seem like I'm going to get it.
     
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  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum and to the SF family. You are hurting a lot but have you joined others who are in a similar situation and reassure you not the only one. What is causing the pain (I'm sorry if I have caused any duress at this time). Have you spoken to a professional or taking medication (Again I'm sorry).

    You have not done anything wrong, but are a human being who is hurting a lot. We care about YOU and we feel your pain. Ok, your hurting but please keep posting here and we will help YOU as much as we can.
     
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  3. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro

    I've honestly no clue what is causing the pain.

    Yesterday I had a first therapy appointment - through the national health system, UK. Been waiting for this referral to go through for a long time.
    Tried so hard afterwards to just be okay. It was like all that I felt was compressed really tightly with nowhere to go, except to eventually self harm, of course. I don't know. Took painkillers, in order to see what it'd do, to mess up too, and, it stopped my mind racing. Didn't take more, didn't need to. It was like, I could want to hurt myself, but didn't need to. My head was a whole lot calmer.
    I don't even know what I want.
     
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  4. crumbum

    crumbum Well-Known Member

    I haven't gone to therapy in over a year now. But I remember. A LOT of sessions I would leave and my mind was sooo frizzled and I felt so anxious and exposed and like.. something had opened in me that I couldn't even recognize as emotion and it can be really really fucking terrifying and all I could do was walk the mile and a half home and breath strategically enough so that I would not break down until the second the door to my apartment was locked. :( Therapy can be like that, it can be confusing and beautiful and horrible all swirled together. Some therapists have empty rooms you can sit in for awhile after a session until you are calm enough to leave. I know this post is old so I dunno if you're still going but maybe ask about that.. anyway.. just wanted you to know that I know that feeling too innocent. You're not alone ((((Innocent))))
     
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