Where's choice

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by Innocent Forever, Oct 13, 2016.

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  1. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro

    I don't want to be constantly self harming. I really don't. Yet, I find myself doing it. I think it's that I hadn't in such a long while, yeah, I was constantly slipping up, but that was like just for moments, because it was just slipping up. Now, once I've started once, I'm back at it. Except it's a whole lot more constant. Even that is okay. What isn't, is that, I'm looking back, and I can't see where I chose to. So last night I reached out to others, worked on a puzzle, and then supposedly chose to pick something up to mess up with. But, I wasn't really choosing it. I just WAS. It just was. Just is. But where, then, was I choosing? I don't want to constantly do this, but if I don't even know when I have a choice to do anything differently there'll be no way for me to do it differently.
    I hate myself right now. Like I ever don't. I just want some peace from life for a bit. And doesn't seem like I'm going to get it.
    extrapoint and crumbum like this.
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum and to the SF family. You are hurting a lot but have you joined others who are in a similar situation and reassure you not the only one. What is causing the pain (I'm sorry if I have caused any duress at this time). Have you spoken to a professional or taking medication (Again I'm sorry).

    You have not done anything wrong, but are a human being who is hurting a lot. We care about YOU and we feel your pain. Ok, your hurting but please keep posting here and we will help YOU as much as we can.
    crumbum likes this.
  3. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro

    I've honestly no clue what is causing the pain.

    Yesterday I had a first therapy appointment - through the national health system, UK. Been waiting for this referral to go through for a long time.
    Tried so hard afterwards to just be okay. It was like all that I felt was compressed really tightly with nowhere to go, except to eventually self harm, of course. I don't know. Took painkillers, in order to see what it'd do, to mess up too, and, it stopped my mind racing. Didn't take more, didn't need to. It was like, I could want to hurt myself, but didn't need to. My head was a whole lot calmer.
    I don't even know what I want.
    crumbum likes this.
  4. crumbum

    crumbum Well-Known Member

    I haven't gone to therapy in over a year now. But I remember. A LOT of sessions I would leave and my mind was sooo frizzled and I felt so anxious and exposed and like.. something had opened in me that I couldn't even recognize as emotion and it can be really really fucking terrifying and all I could do was walk the mile and a half home and breath strategically enough so that I would not break down until the second the door to my apartment was locked. :( Therapy can be like that, it can be confusing and beautiful and horrible all swirled together. Some therapists have empty rooms you can sit in for awhile after a session until you are calm enough to leave. I know this post is old so I dunno if you're still going but maybe ask about that.. anyway.. just wanted you to know that I know that feeling too innocent. You're not alone ((((Innocent))))
    extrapoint likes this.
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