I don't want to be constantly self harming. I really don't. Yet, I find myself doing it. I think it's that I hadn't in such a long while, yeah, I was constantly slipping up, but that was like just for moments, because it was just slipping up. Now, once I've started once, I'm back at it. Except it's a whole lot more constant. Even that is okay. What isn't, is that, I'm looking back, and I can't see where I chose to. So last night I reached out to others, worked on a puzzle, and then supposedly chose to pick something up to mess up with. But, I wasn't really choosing it. I just WAS. It just was. Just is. But where, then, was I choosing? I don't want to constantly do this, but if I don't even know when I have a choice to do anything differently there'll be no way for me to do it differently. I hate myself right now. Like I ever don't. I just want some peace from life for a bit. And doesn't seem like I'm going to get it.