What am i supposed to do? Is there a rule book somewhere? Can it tell me what to do? Am I allowed to just give up? Why is it that the hardest part of living is breathing? Please help. Someone. Anyone. No. I don't want this anymore. I cant do it. I can smile all i fucking want. I can cry-when no one's looking. I can do anything as long as no one knows and no one will find out. Lets stop pretending like anyone honestly cares for me and just let go. Let go and let me fly away like everything is okay. Even though we all know i'm not that strong. I'm not strong enough cope. I've been told for as long as i can remember that i can't be loved without first loving myself. So how the fuck am i meant to believe i'm loved? That cant be expected of me. It just can't. So tonight when i lie here in my bed trying to swim in the ocean of tears..I get halfway and then i remember how pointless it is. I tried. No one can say i didn't. I'm sorry that i'm like this. I'm sorry i'm not different. I'm sorry i'm incapable of that kind of change. i'm sorry there's not a way to fix this flaw. I'm sorry I'm such a failure. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. How in the world was I born this screwed over? How were my parents curse with such a creature? How am I supposed to be..where is that rule book? I need it. I need it to be able to find a point in swimming across the other half of the ocean. I'll need it to know what i can do to be rightfully loved. I'll need it to know what kind of tools i need to fix myself. Please. Just tell me what i can do to make it all work out. But you can't. And you shouldn't. But yet I beg. But yet. I beg..