Which is worse?

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Outland, Aug 20, 2010.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Outland

    Outland Member

    I don't want to be here. I want to die. I don"t want to live I don't want to be here. I don't want to wake up tomorrow. But I do wake up. I don't want to be here.

    But if I act on how I feel, if I kill myself, it will destroy my children.

    So I get up every day and do what I have to do so that I don't hurt the people that love me, and most importantly not to hurt my children . It is harder than killing myself, this going on every day like nothing is wrong. So I stay. Living with the pain because I don't want to hurt anyone. Is it right that I should spend the rest of my life miserable, hurting, alone, just to spare my childrens feelings? Why is it wrong for me to want to end the pain? Why is it that living a life that is destroying me is better than stopping the pain?? Why is my pain ending that pain wrong?
  2. ASkylitDrive

    ASkylitDrive Well-Known Member

    There is alot of unanswered questions about depression and suicide.

    Basically, in a depressed state your mind is in its own fight-or-flight stage, where part of it is convincing you the quickest way to end your pain and suffering is to stop everything in its tracks permanently (aka.. sucide)

    It is strong of you to try to keep your chin up for your loved ones and children.

    You need to be a tad selfish here, but not enough to end your life. Try going to therapy? Opening up to friends? Doctors?
  3. Outland

    Outland Member

    thanks for the advice. I went to my Dr and he set an appointment for therpapy, but I couldn't get away from work The therapist wouldn't let me reschedule so here I am, looking for a shoulder to cry on while trying to figure out how to get some help without compromising my job.
  4. Outland

    Outland Member

    I guess what I'm trying to say is why do I have to be here just to keep other people from getting hurt? Doesn't how I feel matter? Can't I just be done?
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    your suffering ends then you condemn you children to the same pain yur in now to the same end as well they will chose suicide as well as that coping skill was taught by you Depression god it is a painful place i know i fight the same fight as yu as many do but you need meds treatment go to gp and get some meds they will help choose the right coping skills and reach out and get help got to emergency if need be but get help now
  6. What Ever

    What Ever Active Member

    I struggle with questions like yours all the time. I have pain just like you. I wish I had a good answer for you. I guess the fact that I'm still here and you're still here shows that we both know on some level that killing ourselves is worse otherwise we would have done it already.

    I have a question for you though. Is your name a reference to the film Outland with Sean Connery? I've been meaning to see that film for a long time, but have never got around to it. Maybe I should soon?

    I know it's probably a random question, but I like movies and honestly they help me get through the day sometimes.
  7. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I so understand exactly what you're saying and ask myself that question every day....
    I'm sorry you feel that way too..
    except my children don't care about me... they only care that I might die and they will feel guilty...
  8. Outland

    Outland Member

    Outland was a cartoon in the Sunday paper for a while by the man who drew Bloom County.
  9. Outland

    Outland Member

    People who don't care don't feel guilt so I'm guessing that they do care. Maybe you just can't feel it. Or they don't know how to show it.
  10. Outland

    Outland Member

    Thanks. I am on meds. I have spoken to my doctor. I know I can't do it, suicide I mean. I know I can't hurt my children like that. But living is torture. Waking up, getting dressed, going through the motions. It is like walking through glue. I don't want to do it but I have to. Staying, living, going on without hope is a fate worse than death.

    Like the song says, theres a light at both ends of the tunnel he shouts, but I'm just as far in as I'll ever be out.
  11. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry that living is torture for you right now. However, there is nothing to say that there is no hope that things won't get better. In fact, from what you have said, it sounds like there is a lot of hope things can improve.

    What have you tried to ensure your life is different and more positive?

    What country are you in?
  12. Outland

    Outland Member

    I have tried to get out more, I make myself leave the house and do things with friends even though my heart isn't in it. I spend time with my family when I can, but they all live somewhere else. I have tried meds, exercising, reading, talking to my doctor. I got a new job to try to give myself something else to work toward and to fill the hours, but my god how I hate that job.
    You see, in the last few years I lost all my grandparents, my boyfriend broke up with me after I caught him with another woman and my younger son left to go to a school out of state. I am stuck here in a city with no one and I can't find a job near my family. I spend most of my time when I am not a work alone. I don't leave my room much. I try to find hope, to find a reason to get out of bed in the morning. I even got a cat so that I didn't have to come home to an empty house but I am still so alone.
    Living a mile from the man I thought was the love of my life who is now happily in love with a woman young enough to be his daughter makes it all worse. I am happy for him, but it is a knife in my heart. More proof that I am a failure.

    Everyone leaves me. and I let them becasue they have all left for something that makes their life better. I have supported them all. I want them to be happy. But now that they have found their lives and their happiness, I don't know how to find mine.

    I am in the US, btw
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2010
  13. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Often people post in the way you did at the start but have not made many efforts to try and improve their situation. I can see from all you've said that you hae tried super hard, in a variety of ways, but that the pain you feel inside is still there. I'm very impressed with all you have tried, and that shows true strength and fight, and its that quality that can get you through this.

    What meds have you tried? How long have you been on your current ones? How often do you see the doctor?

    I'm inclined to think that therapy could be of huge benefit to you (and it seems your doctor agreed). Would there be any way for you to access therapy for yourself? Maybe with a therapist who is able to be more accomodating of your work situation?

    I can relate a lot to being alone, and have pets for a similar reason- they are my friends. Have you tried picking up any hobbies or anything like that, to get you out and about and meeting people?
  14. Outland

    Outland Member

    Thank you for your kind words. They do help.

    I'm on Wellbutrin. Been on it a few months. I talked to my doctor a couple of weeks ago when it just became unbearable.

    I have always been strong. You would be amazed at what I have made it through. After a while though you wonder how much longer do I have to be strong? And it becomes a burden, the ability to perservere. People stop noticing that your life sucks because you have always been the one with the stiff upper lip. My family always run to help my sister because she was the weak one. They rarely even notice me anymore. They don't call, they don't come see me. If I want to be with them I have to make the effort. How amazing would it be for once, just once, them to reach out to me?

    She's strong, she's got grit, she's got it all together they say. All the while I am alone and struggling, making it against the odds. Know what? I am tired. Tired all the way to my bones. I don't want to be strong any more. The price is too high.

    I don't want to feel like this. I know that the only way out is through. I just don't know if I can summon the courage to walk down that road again.

    I'm going to call the EAP program at work. Just have to get myself together enough to do it.
  15. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    If its not working right now, after being on it for that length of time, then you may need a dose reajustment, or a different med. There are so many out there, that each time you try one you are closer to finding what helps for you. In that respect.

    Can I ask what the EAP Program is? Sorry, I'm from the UK and don't know.

    I think that what people stereotypically think of as strong, is not necessarily what is genuine strength.

    I hear how hard it is having to put on that functional front. What do you think would happen if you told the truth and told how hard things were for you?

    I definitely hear how tired you are and thats not a surprise. Dealing with all you have been, and the majority of it alone, really does take its toll. Hopefully though, with some support, that tiredness can be eased and you can have some chances to recharge your batteries.

    Would you like to talk to us about all you have made it through? All you have survived?
  16. CalifradMT

    CalifradMT Member

    You're a good woman to try to spare your children of losing their mother to suicide. This only makes me think that you are far more valuable than you realize, that you have yet to discover in yourself a quality that will bring joy to you for being who you are.

    My dad took his life. So did my brother. But they had exhausted all avenues, dad being an alcoholic and having lost his health, my brother who counted on my mom for answers and when she was gone, he left shortly afterwards (within months).

    Because of my their deaths, I walk on this planet feeling very alone because they left me here all by myself. I get very tired and not much brings me real happiness for long - but, I have surrounded myself with things that make me feel happy, however momentarily and move from one to the other. Walks taken always result in my feeling pleasant for hours afterwards, and so I walk a lot. I got dogs so that I would have no choice but to walk.

    I know how you feel. It's not easy and I don't have any answers but I hope you will stay here and fight for your life. I believe this pain/emptiness/ hopelessness we feel is the work that is required to become who we are.

    They say it is a brain chemical imbalance although the medications I have tried, and I have tried them all, only dull the happiness along with the anger. I'd rather be angry and sad that dull and emotionless.

    It's a battle worth fighting. You are a good mom.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 21, 2010
  17. Outland

    Outland Member

    Thank you, really. I have been mom most of my life and now that my boys are gone, am trying to find out what is next. I have two wonderful, amazing sons and they are men I am proud of, everyday. The problem is that I spent so much of my life struggling, fighting to give them a good life that I never took time to make one of my own. I was so young when I started...I don't know anything else.
    You seem to be on your way to better, whatever better is. I can't imagine the pain of losing not one, but two members of your family that way. You strenghten my resolve to fight through this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.