It's strange. All of these things that are supposed to bring me "relief" just make me more and more stressed out. First, I'll start out on what seems to be a perfectly normal evening, just listening to music. Then I'll open a drink, and then a few hours later I'm screaming obscenities and bashing my head against a wall. I have no idea why this happens other than my adrenaline is always rushing. When I'm done and the bruises are have formed, I sit down and go "Jesus Christ, why the hell did I do that?" and I honestly don't know. I've tried not getting aggressive but it always ends with me in bed, staring at the ceiling, and screaming at God for making me a lunatic for several hours before falling asleep in an exhausted heap. So hitting walls is better, I think, at least it gets the rage out and lets me get a semblance of normal rest. I just wish that I could relax sometimes because I'm always on edge. You never know when something is going to happen, so you have to be ready. Psychologists are just in it for the money and don't give two flying fucks about you so the only thing that lets me relax is alcohol and acting out my anger in the safety of my home, where I'm not around anybody who can see me. I know that if anybody saw the real me they'd make me go to the hospital and I don't want to go. So I act during the day--I'm a pretty damn good actor at this point. I deserve the Oscar. So fuck you, Ben Afleck. Fuck you.