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While not by my hand.... A possible goodbye.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by randomguy9, Sep 6, 2013.

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  1. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    I am not sure exactly what my point in this post is... but while I am not in any immediate self danger I owe it to the friends I have met here to say a possible goodbye.

    I made the decision today... this fucking job that was my punishment as a child for not working hard , that I am stuck in even though i worked hard in school is one I am done with. I am done doing unskilled labor with no future. I am done watching this destroy my relationships with family. I am beyond fucking done dealing with being triggered by the mere thought of it it when there isn't anything worth coming home to that is worth fighting for I am done with the constant self hatred and constant reminders that I failed where a trained monkey could have succeeded.

    And when I am at this breaking point of fucking course I am being asked to wake up early to go do the same shit that makes me feel worthless and hopeless and revealed beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am incapable of greatness.

    I have had two panic attacks today before this in large part because of my fucking career being hopeless. I can't go to work tomorrow or I am going to end up screaming at someone or breaking something. I am beyond self control right now and it is pathetic.

    I have known sense the day I dropped out of college I would die either by suicide because I gave up, or on the streets because I didn't. There isn't a good path out there for me... someone who is to stupid for school, too uncoordinated for any tradesman type stuff, and to social phobic for anything that involves people.

    My genetics never gave me a shot, and childhood bullying courtesy of a creature who even at his age showed he is every bit as evil as all the great evils in history made it his life's goal to fuck me up more. Thanks to him and others I never had the chance to develop like a normal child should.

    So at this point... the short term benefits of this fucking job don't outweigh either the short term downsides or the long term dead endless of the situation.

    I am not showing up for work tomorrow... I'd fuck things up even more than I have managed to already. I am leaving the job, and the house that is partial pay for it. Soon as a tv show is done tonight I am leaving my safety net that has kept me alive and miserable sense I turned 18.

    One of two things happens... Either by some miracle whatever god runs the universe and thus far as hated my guts, turns my life around and puts a great paying job that I love in front of me or I end up on the streets. If I die on the streets because of this decision I am at peace with it. I have heard so many athletes say they believe destiny called them to their greatness, and I feel a life of misery on the streets was predestined for myself... either by god or the sperm and egg that created the worthless creature that is me.

    Don't know if I will ever get to touch a computer again... so if this is goodbye SF know you guys helped me through so much and I am eternally grateful for everyone who talked to me, and those who created, funded, and have run this website during my time here. This would have happened a long time ago if it wasn't for you guys so thank you.
  2. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    i hope it's not goodbye.

    i've not even really got to know you... and would like that chance
  3. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Sorry to hear you've had a hard life, pretty much all of us who are here have also. I would recommend trying to find a better job even if it's a sideways move since it appears your work environment is toxic. I'm not happy with my job either, it's way below my education level (though its an office job) but generally there's good people who work there and it's laid back and occasionally fun, otherwise boring but not too busy.

    I used to live in a hellish apartment and was very focused on getting out, when I did it was a huge improvement in my life. I think you need a similar change. As for bullying I'd dealt with it also and had many fantasizes of taking revenge on a few people that have done me wrong, so you're not alone there. Don't let it break you down. You sound smart enough to find better work and change your life-wish you all the best in your effort.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are feeling so broken by everything hun SF is a great place and i hope you continue to reach out here when you can. Like said hun if you need to step sideways even and try a different job with different people then do so ok but don't harm you ok stay safe
  5. randomguy9

    randomguy9 Put's the "Pro" in Profanity

    Well I tried to find ap lace and couldn't... though that doesn't mean im not going to try again alter. I am out of options other than homelessness... its a question of when not if at this point unless the damn economy recovers suddenly.
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