Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by weeble, Oct 30, 2010.

  1. weeble

    weeble Active Member

    Up to a year ago I was coping so well with life, I had totally exceeded all of my own expectations of how my life was going to pan out. As a kid I spent a lot of time living on the streets to escape what was happening, and all I ever wanted was my own bed, wardrobe and washing machine. I have my own house, car, have had my own businesses but am now a full time student and have a beautiful daughter. To everyone my life seems to rosy......... but inside everything is so black, its like pure dirt running through my veins. Everyone goes on about what a nice person i am, my counseller constantly tells me how strong I am, what a lovely person I am but they are so wrong, so so wrong. I hate everything about me. I have caused so many people so much pain the worst being my beautiful cousin who I cruelly abandoned when I returned to the streets and when I got back she had taken her own life, and I had just walked away when she had begged me to stay. Am such a bitch who really doesnt deserve this space in the world. As much as I would love to be re-united with my cousin am so scared of dying to be with her and her rejecting me the same way I did her, sorry that sounds really screwed up.

    Everything is suffering at the moment, am struggling so hard with Uni, with my girl and with everything in my life. I talk to people but then the guilt sets inthat this is actually from my own doing, am just spreading my evilness around. How can I possibly whinge about things that are my fault to start off with :(
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    When you left your home, you were young and you still continue to punish yourself for it...when does the punishment match the crime? when is it time to forgive yourself??? also, many of us have an internal life that does not match what we show to the world...that does not make either of those false..it is how we are built...I hope you find a way to let go of you having left and try to give yourself some safety and comfort here...please continue to let us know what is going on...big hugs, J
  3. hollowvoice

    hollowvoice Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    im glad you managed to get this out weeble,i dont think your evil i think your very stressed a daughter and uni ,your cousin was in a bad place and so were you,its what this illness does to us we push everybody away then complain of having no one,thats screwedup right?this isnt your fault,sometimes the safest thing to do is walk away,
    this was the first part of your life just make the next part better,you have a daughter who im sure you are so proud to call yours,in the next part of your life make each other proud,
    are you getting the help you need with your daughter and uni?