whining

[Vitreledonellidae]

Im sorry I need to whine about this, I hate to whine about this, I dont want to whine about this, but I need to whine about this. This is the only place where i can do it. You dont have to continue reading its just a waste of time. I dunno why I say it here, guess its nice if just one person would read it. I dunno why, sorry. Ok that was whining, but now im going to whine about what I need to whine about. Sorry Im probly so confusing.
I just really feel so fucking fat. I weigh less than a few months ago, but I feel a lot fatter than a few months ago. Its pathetic that something like this makes me wanna burst out in tears, I never cry. Its pathetic. I just wanted to eat some bread, already took a small bite went to the table and the moment when my fat butt touched the chair i felt fucking fat and threw the sandwhich away.
Sorry I need to say it again, Im fucking pathetic, Im just dumb to think I would feel better if i lost some weight, I dont think it will ever be enough for me, I will just feel worser and worser.
But I need to lose weight and I really need to stop throwing up, I need to eat normal, I need to stop binging, I need to stop fasting. Damn, I need a cigarette...
And its going better I dont throw up every day or more anymore or binge almost everyday. Its actually going better, I dont even gain weight with trying to eat like normal people. Which I was damn afraid off. But its never good enough, Im scared it will be never good enough. And it has always been a silent crazy dream of me, to eat nothing, but I dont want it to let it so far. I dont know what I fucking want. One day I binge, other day I puke, other day I fast, other day i eat normal.
I dont know which direction I want to go. One part of me says I need to lose weight, I need to fast, I need to throw up. Other part, my body, needs the food, so makes me binge or when I dont know what to do I binge. Other part says, I just need to eat normal, like others. But Im so fucking scared to get back where I was a year ago, weighing 50 pounds more. When I ate 'normal' and I dont want to stop I need to lose weight, bulimia made me lose weight. Argh fucking hell I dont know what I fucking want, what I need to do.
Therapist suggest me to go to this ED group, but that makes me wanna lose more weight, its not really big what I have, they cant treat me good, when I dont really have it good. If I dont look horrible skinny. She thinks the group will start in januari, fucking one month to lose that weight.
I dont want to feel like this, what I pick, its never the right thing in my eyes. I dont wanna be so desperate again to try to commit suicide. I dont wanna do that to my parents. I wish I never tried to commit suicide past februari, that brings me where I am now, in fucking therapy, just makes it all worser, now I have to make decisions, now I have to get a life, I have to think about others, now I have to hurt people.
I dont even know what I've just been typing and I shouldnt read back, because I will delete it all, but maybe its the best to delete it. Even this is a hard discussion in my head, to post or not to post.
I will just start with a new subject...
Why does everyone always leave and other people say it its not because of me. Well what the fuck can it else be? All my friends from school, gone, all my friends from sf, gone, just all my friends gone. Ok not all, but Im sure he will leave me soon too. Why did you all argued with me? when I told I'm horrible, Im ugly, Im pathetic, you will leave me, you will hate me. You all left me, thats not the biggest problem, because I know that would happen. But I hate it you gave me hope and now you're all gone. You know its the hope that kills people. Everybody always leaves, I hate myself, I fucking hate myself. I dont blame you all for leaving.
Ok that was my whining, now Im just going to smoke a cig and cry and tomorrow there will be another day I can fuck up

 

[LetItGo]

You always think the worst of yourself, thats a common problem for all people suffering from mental illness of one sort or another, thats always been the contradiction. While the rest of us think your a beautiful and talented young woman, you see yourself as a fat, ugly bitch.

The truth is you ARE beautiful and talented, you need to embrace that, realize you could go anyway and do anything you wanted. You have a wonderful family with very supportive parents, anything is possible. I fully believe that with all my heart. When i think about your possible future, maybe i have a hollywood, idealistic view of it. All i see is a beautiful girl, a successful artist, a great life with a very very lucky guy (or girl :P) as part of the picture.

You will conquer this ED eventually. Youve said yourself when you eat normal you dont gain the weight you expected, isnt that telling you something? ok you still go through binge/fasting cycles, but overall its improved a little bit. These things take time, what your dealing with isnt solved in a few days, it takes months and months to come to terms with it, to develop healthy and lasting eating patterns.

You probably consider me as one of those friends that deserted you. Right now i just got so much on my mind. A new home, finding a job, a place to live, in my relationship with Kristen. I overthink things...I always have, and right now im weighed down by it all.

I still think about you every day Blubs, hoping your alright and hoping you eventually see what we already know.

tc

xo.

 

[Harrowdown]

Screaming

listen hon

i know how scary a group sounds
i was terrfied of going into a an ED group too
i mean it was all girls ,theyd never had a guy before, it was all day, i had to EAT

but it nothing else couldve helped me at the point
i needed it to get my mind out of the permenent cramp it was stuck in
i was literally starving to death

i dont know if your that bad
but holy shit 50 pounds sounds like alot


and i was terrified of gaining everything back and turning into what i looked liek beforehand
but in the end i really didnt need to worry about it so much
beyond a healthy weight no one is going to make you go to where you started off
not if theyre any group worth a damn

you sound like your in SO much pain it rends my fuckin heart
your not whining
your screaming in the dark
your not pathetic
your throbbing all over

it brings back so many shit memories
the constant circling in my head of lose lose lose
the bizarre sexual like fantisizing of just- PIGGING out on stuff i wouldnt let myself eat anymore
but you lose a certain amount and your not working up too snuff anymore
physically i mean
literally your body begins to shut down after a point
youre thinking just gets worse and alot of it is do to this

do you hear?
your not thinking properly
and its physically related
it might not be all your doing at this point

if its one thing i heard ver and over it was that i wasnt thinking properly anymore
chemically speaking, it wasnt all good upstairs

your beating yourself up over eating when your body is screaming at you to
its one bitch of a cycle

and i hate to say it
but it sounds like your at the point where you can't break that cycle without serious help from others

things look bad now but thats your body talking
things get grey after so much weight loss and not eating
everything gets hard
your cold all the time
a terrible taste in your mouth

most of all i just want to say something to you so you can relax a bit
though i know a word from a total stranger probaly wont help too much

but dont lose hope
this group really could turn this disease (yeah disease, its a disease now)
around and boot it in the bony ass
ps dont beat yourself up too much ok?
ive been where youve been and i thought there was no coming back for me
i was ready to die for what i thought i believed in

pls accept the hand thats been offered ok?

 

[pisces-music-girl]

:hug: I don't have an eating disorder... though I do have my bad days... weeks even... so I can relate somewhat.

I think you should go to the ED group. You will connect.

And moreover- you are NOT whining. I know how you feel. You feel guilty and selfish... like your words are a waste, it won't make a difference anyway, no one will care... I know that feeling, honey. But it is not that way. We care. We genuninely care. We will listen to you.

I haven't been around lately... but I am here now and I won't abandon you. Promise.

I'm here for a PM if you want to talk more.

 

[Vitreledonellidae]

thanks harrowdown and pisces-music-girl, what you said means a lot to me. But Im sure you think about it worser than it is. It really is just whining, Im not dangerously underweight, I got an healthy weight, I used to be overweight. Im sorry for wasting your time, but I really appreciate what you said. Especially harrowdown, I really can relate to it, thanks a lot