Who am I? And How did I get here?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Seerbrum, Jan 26, 2009.

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  1. Seerbrum

    Seerbrum Well-Known Member

    It actually angers me that I'm back staring at this forum...

    I was suppose to check myself into a hospital last friday... obviously I didn't.

    No, has much as I would like to blame the friend that called me, I knew I had no intention of going that day. See I wanted to go the night before, but I felt I had to wait... and I waited. Yet when I awoke, I didn't awake to the same strong convictions I had the night before, I awoke like I always do, dreading the day ahead of me.

    It took almost 2 hours of tossing around before I actually managed to pull myself out of bed. For a guy with no job, I think I should be a little more motivated then that.

    Today I found an acceptance letter to a college I applied too... I should be happy.

    But no, what I DON't have bothers me. My past bothers me, I've felt like I've screwed everything up still.

    I feel no future ahead of me, just days of barely functioning. I don't enjoy this, it's all alien to me honestly, I should be another man, in another place.... but I wonder at times if I'm even a man, but still just a boy in mind and heart? Still just a scared little boy who doesn't know up from down, I usually feel like that little boy, like a part of me never grew from the age of 9.

    Why can't I just GET ALONG like everyone else around me? Why did I need to plunge myself into these pits of despair, which only makes me drink and smoke. I'm always so fucked up. If I even started college, could I actually do what I need to do? Instead of spending my time worried about being high or drunk?

    I know why I want to kill myself right now, but the reason is completely stupid... It makes no sense honestly. It's me not being pragmatic... yet that feeling, that desire to just self-destruct... it's still there.

    I wish I knew what to do, I've only managed to become a burden on those around me, and the list of my friends is now a very short one indeed.
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    Sorry you're feeling so helpless. Congratulations on college.

    Life can be tough.

    That's for sure.

    PM if you ever want to talk.

    Everyone needs help sometime or other, the important thing is getting you back on track and happy :)

  3. pensive1981

    pensive1981 Well-Known Member

    Hey bro,

    It can be tough but sounds like you're somebody with some good abilities and intellect that can be an asset to the world if you stick around. I'm sure the good news about college rolled off your back like water off a duck right now...but it's a good break. Congratulations, and if you decide to go, there will be some good times.
  4. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Seerbrum,
    How old are you if you don't mind me asking? You should really lay off the alcohol because it in itself is a depressant. Sounds like you don't need any help in that department.
    Why don't you force yourself to get up at an early hour and go for a good long walk. It helps to get out in the fresh air. It also helps to clear out those cobwebs from the day before. I know I'm one to talk I don't ever take my own advice.
    Congradulations on college. Do you know what your major is going to be? I think it will do you good. You are drifting away from your high school friends and that is normal because your growing. You will meet new ppl at college and find them to be more mature. If you need anything or just want to talk or vent please feel free to PM me. Take Care!!~Joseph~
  5. porcelain child

    porcelain child Well-Known Member

    I am sorry things are tough.. it sounds like you got alot of tough stuff going on for you right now..

    Have you got anyone around you who could support you... have you tried talking to someone about how you feel..

    I think alot of people on this forum would feel like they never grew up..

    Well done on getting accepted in college that is great... and also even though you have a short list of friends.. be thankful you got some.. can you talk to them how you feel?

    We are always here for you.. and remember suicide is never the answer..

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