It actually angers me that I'm back staring at this forum... I was suppose to check myself into a hospital last friday... obviously I didn't. No, has much as I would like to blame the friend that called me, I knew I had no intention of going that day. See I wanted to go the night before, but I felt I had to wait... and I waited. Yet when I awoke, I didn't awake to the same strong convictions I had the night before, I awoke like I always do, dreading the day ahead of me. It took almost 2 hours of tossing around before I actually managed to pull myself out of bed. For a guy with no job, I think I should be a little more motivated then that. Today I found an acceptance letter to a college I applied too... I should be happy. But no, what I DON't have bothers me. My past bothers me, I've felt like I've screwed everything up still. I feel no future ahead of me, just days of barely functioning. I don't enjoy this, it's all alien to me honestly, I should be another man, in another place.... but I wonder at times if I'm even a man, but still just a boy in mind and heart? Still just a scared little boy who doesn't know up from down, I usually feel like that little boy, like a part of me never grew from the age of 9. WHAT THE FUCK IS IT? Why can't I just GET ALONG like everyone else around me? Why did I need to plunge myself into these pits of despair, which only makes me drink and smoke. I'm always so fucked up. If I even started college, could I actually do what I need to do? Instead of spending my time worried about being high or drunk? I know why I want to kill myself right now, but the reason is completely stupid... It makes no sense honestly. It's me not being pragmatic... yet that feeling, that desire to just self-destruct... it's still there. I wish I knew what to do, I've only managed to become a burden on those around me, and the list of my friends is now a very short one indeed.