Who am I kidding?!!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by SAVE_ME, Sep 23, 2008.

  1. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    I have to open up here. I know I posted that thread saying that I was back and feeling much better, but the truth is I'm not. Far from it. I swear, I've just been bullsh**ing everybody and bullsh**ing myself. I thought I was over the situation with my ex, but I talked to her today for the first time after taking a break from her for a while, and I just can't bring myself to do the "just friends" thing. It sucks! Because I'm never gonna be able to see her as just a friend. Damn it, I love her! But she's already made it clear to me that she just never saw me that way. For months I thought she was my soulmate, and now I just don't see myself ever finding love again, or if by some miracle I do it sure as hell won't be the same way I felt about her. Damn it, why do we fall hardest for those who hurt us the most?

    It's been like an endless cycle of emotions for me, and no matter what I do, no matter how much I try and get over it, I always just end up back at square one. I try to just accept it and move on, but I just can't help thinking about her at random times throughout the day. I try doing things to take my mind off her like uni work etc, but I just can't bring myself to enjoy anything in life anymore. I'm even driving myself to be physically sick here. I keep on throwing up, feeling weak and lethargic during the day and then having bouts of insomnia throughout the night, I'm beginning to rapidly lose weight and don't eat much. When I do manage to sleep I have dreams where we end up getting back together, but then I wake up. I've walked out of uni and tried to go and commit suicide until my parents caught wind of where I was going and stopped me. I've cut myself a few times too, and the worst thing about all this is that while I'm going through all this grief, my ex could care less. She's moving on. She was never really into me to begin with so it's easy for her to just get on with her life and not think twice about it.

    I'm struggling to make new friends at uni because they all seem to hang out in their little cliques. My family and other online friends aren't helping, and I swear if one of them says "there are plenty of fish in the sea" ONE more time I will snap! It's easier to say than to hear! I DON'T WANT ANY OTHER FISH IN THE SEA!! F***! The last thing on my mind when I'm going through a rough break-up is dating someone else. I'm just not interested in anybody else....they just seem "meh" and plain compared to my ex. My counsellor seems to have washed her hands of me. She said I could e-mail her if I ever felt depressed but she NEVER replies.Well why the f*** do I bother trying to pour my heart out?!! I'm totally alone with this! I mean, I know I've listed some pretty rotten flaws of my ex, but all things considered she was perfect for me and I still loved her! I used to be able to talk to her about anything, but now I can't because she just doesn't want to hear it from me. She just wants to be friends and that's that. And if I keep on going on about it to her I'll just end up pushing her away even further and losing her forever! So I'm forced to suffer in silence, and not open up to anyone about what I'm going through. I'm pretty much forced to just sit here with a forced smile and pretend everything's fine and dandy. It's just not fair! I'm also pretty pissed off to a certain extent because it's as if she's just pissed on everything I've ever done for her.

    Example: A few members (including the owner) from a forum she used to visit were giving her a hard time, and I stepped in and stood up for her. I made myself look like a f***ing fool in the process but I stood by her and took the heat for her! And this is my f***ing reward?! I just don't get it! It's not fair!! There are people out there that mistreat their partners and are abusive to them all the time, but me, I am a good, honest person and I would not even hurt a fly, but I'M the one who gets my parade rained on! Am I not allowed to be happy? Am I not supposed to have what I want?

    I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret, I really don't care who knows anymore, but a few weeks ago I went to a bar with my bro and some of his friends, and one of them, in his drunken state, asked me what I would ultimately like to achieve in life, no matter how silly I thought it was. I just fed him a load of bullcrap about my course and getting a career in the Video Games industry. No! That's not it! The truth is I could care less about anything else in life. I could care less about my career, the ONE thing - the ONLY thing I've EVER wanted out of life is to meet someone and settle down. I know that sounds pretty silly at such a young age (I'm 19 BTW) but it's the truth! All I want is to love someone and be loved in return, and I thought I had that. It hurts so freakin' much!! Everywhere I go I am constantly being reminded of her, and I just keep trying to convince myself that if we did ever get back together then I would do things differently this time and learn from my mistakes, and fix my flaws. I wouldn't be so clingy and paranoid around her, and I would give her a bit of breathing space from time to time. I honestly blame myself for what happened here! I really do! If I wasn't such a little b*tch and had some guts then she would still be with me! I mean, she told me she felt like I was "the one" for a while but then just lost interest after that and only just mustered up the courage to tell me about it.

    I constantly find myself praying to God every night to get her back, even though I know it won't do a bit of good. The pain is becoming so unbearable that I just don't want to live anymore. Seriously, if I can't have a life with her then I don't want a life period! She was the only one for me, the only girl I'll ever truly love and I f***ing blew it, and I'm never gonna get that chance again! I'm an ugly motherf***er with no social skills and the mentality of a 9 year old! I mean, she wasn't the best looking girl in the world, but I loved her all the same. To me she was beautiful, it was as if there was no one else in the world, and there never will be! But I'm sick of bullsh**ing everybody and acting like I'm happy about everything because without her I never will be! Just kill me NOW damn it!! F***ing end this pain!! If I knew there was something I could do to win her back then I would do it, no matter how hard it was! I would do ANYTHING! F*** I'd kill to be with her!! I just want her back so f***ing much!!
     
  2. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    Just finished chatting with her cuz. Apparently he's back with his girl....yeah, f***ing rub it in!!

    God I can't sleep, or eat, or anything, and I have class in a few hours. This isn't getting any easier for me. I don't care what anyone else says about the same thing happening to them and how they got over it, I won't! I am not them! I am WEAK! Not strong like most of the people I know who've bounced back. I'm just not very good at dealing with rejection. I just wish I could talk to somebody who understands.
     
  3. Tecky

    Tecky Well-Known Member

    I read your post and I would like to say I understand how you feel.

    Honest. I am in a constant state of being rejected. I have been out of love (rejected) about 4 times now. And one time, the girl I confessed my feelings to jumped into the arms of a man (actually several men) who called her a fat slut. That man was my friend and it really hurt when he boasted to me about his conquest of 'the fat slut'.

    So you are getting a picture of me. If a girl would rather go get f**ked by a man who called her a fat slut rather than be loved and respected by me, I must be f**king ugly or fugly for short. I can't even defend her honour! Talk about being weak.

    Now I am in love again. A cyber thing. I thought we really clicked because we like the same tv programs, the same books and the same politicians. We even talked about meeting in real life. Then I saw her pic and decided that a smart attractive woman like her could probably get Matt Damon, Brad Pitt and etc... Why would she even want to look at me? Well, so bottom line is: the 'date' is off.

    Pathetic life eh? This time I am rejected even before I met the girl.

    Anyway, this is not an advice post. I am just writing in to tell you there are others like you in this forum. Maybe we could find common ground, talk about stuff and support each other.
     
  4. SAVE_ME

    SAVE_ME Well-Known Member

    The good thing is, I'm still close friends with her, but I can't stand being "just friends". It sucks big time. It sucks not being able to tell her I love her, or use those little love heart emoticon things before I log off. In fact, "sucks" is an understatement. I can't even think of a word to describe what I'm feeling right now. I've tried to do all the other stuff to take my mind off her, uni, work, exercise etc, but no matter how hard I try I can't shake her from my thoughts. And I think it hurts bad enough now? I'm just waiting til she gets a new bf. It's only a matter of time and when that happens it is well and truly going to destroy me, because then there will be no hope. Ever. I just wish I could talk to someone about this, and yeah, I'd be up for talking things out and supporting each other if you want. BTW I hear you on the situation with your friend and your ex and all. I've been betrayed by people I considered close friends my whole life. Sad thing is it's those very same people who seem to get everything in life handed to them on a silver platter. And me? Well, I just get sh*t on don't I? Yeah, that's justice for ya.......NOT! Anyway, sorry for going off a bit there. Wasn't you I was yelling at, just felt like getting crap off my chest.
     
  5. Milly

    Milly Well-Known Member

    although i cant offer any real help and advice, all i can do is say i know exactly how youre feeling right now as im going through a similar thing at the moment and its tearing me apart. its not easy and it doesnt feel like it will ever get better :sad:

    All i can say is hang in there and if you need to talk to someone who's going through a similar thing then feel free to get in touch
     
  6. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Yeah. It's bullshit. Not much to be done about it, unfortunately.