Who am I kidding?

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Everyday is the same,I stick with the thought that today is going to be a good day, and if not today then stick around because tomorrow might just be it. Who am I kidding?

Exhausted I try sleeping, only to be jolted and awoken with screaming and yelling in my head, it's so scary
and beyond my control, most nights I'm too afraid to sleep, if it's not the screaming and yelling it's the
disgusting nightmares leaving me with a knot in my stomach, accompanying the lump in my throat, asking myself why me? what
what did I do wrong? But who am I kidding, it's not just at night, I fear for daylight also, as that means I have
to join the 'real world' and people's intrusive stares. I can't stand their stares, or maybe it's them I can't stand,
when I see strangers out and about, happy, it just makes me feel sick to my stomach, and angry, when I see them
like this I just want to cause them as much pain as I am feeling inside, I hate myself for this.

When will there be a day when I can walk with my head high and not second guess every strangers move, and not have
to look over my shoulder in fear? when will there be a day when I can actually return a smile?

Alcohol is slowly getting the better of me, but I can't help it, as long as I am on a high it numbs the pain, takes away
most of the bad thoughts and memories and leaves me feeling great, it's the next day I dread, I wake up to new cuts
more bruises and no recollection of how they got there, while I lay curled up more sick than the time before,
telling myself that this would be the last time. But who am I kidding? is there ever going to be one last time?

I am so tired of being controlled by my past, but who am I kidding? I am 24 years of age, can somebody tell me when does it stop? the
thoughts, the anxiety, the paniac attacks, the voices, smells, sounds,....I'VE HAD ENOUGH I GIVE UP!!
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