well its been a while since ive been on here. ive needed to quite a lot but have forced myself to not, ive tried so hard to be ok. ive had 12 CBT sessions, 4 berevement sessions (up to now) been referred for this EMDR therapy, had meds increased and i dont seem any better off for any of it. i went for about a month and a halh with out SH and now have relapsed which i hate myself for. what is the point in this existence? none thats what none whatsoever. my mam has had an operation to remove a lump they found during a routine smear test and has to go for the results on 19th sep which just happens to be my dads birthday, if thats not a bad sign then i dont know what is, my gran has to go for further tests as they found shadows on her lungs during a CT scan, anything else, seriously, how much can one person stand in five years, grandad, dad, now mam and gran. i dont think i can take much more, ive tried to act happy and let people think im ok but im not and cant hide it again like i did before, itstoo hard, i dont know who to turn to thats why im here, my husband is blissfully unaware that im struggling again so i cant tell him, i have noone i need to be strong for everyone else my sisters, brother, other family, i cant burden anyone else. i wish i was dead then i wouldnt have to hurt like i do and be so ashamed of myself for thinking and feeling the way i do. there said it.