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who am i trying to kid?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by geordie_angel_sad_eyes, Aug 16, 2011.

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  1. geordie_angel_sad_eyes

    geordie_angel_sad_eyes Active Member

    well its been a while since ive been on here. ive needed to quite a lot but have forced myself to not, ive tried so hard to be ok. ive had 12 CBT sessions, 4 berevement sessions (up to now) been referred for this EMDR therapy, had meds increased and i dont seem any better off for any of it. i went for about a month and a halh with out SH and now have relapsed which i hate myself for. what is the point in this existence? none thats what none whatsoever. my mam has had an operation to remove a lump they found during a routine smear test and has to go for the results on 19th sep which just happens to be my dads birthday, if thats not a bad sign then i dont know what is, my gran has to go for further tests as they found shadows on her lungs during a CT scan, anything else, seriously, how much can one person stand in five years, grandad, dad, now mam and gran. i dont think i can take much more, ive tried to act happy and let people think im ok but im not and cant hide it again like i did before, itstoo hard, i dont know who to turn to thats why im here, my husband is blissfully unaware that im struggling again so i cant tell him, i have noone i need to be strong for everyone else my sisters, brother, other family, i cant burden anyone else. i wish i was dead then i wouldnt have to hurt like i do and be so ashamed of myself for thinking and feeling the way i do. there said it.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Know exactly what you are going thru.
    Loss after loss, stress after stress, it just piles and piles up in to what feels like one more thing, just so much as a straw and you will snap. :hug:

    Have just had a myriad of tests (like your mum) and come out the other side with nothing more sinister than a non malignant growth, so dont go burying her in your head just yet.

    Here, you don't have to hide your feelings or support anyone else, until you feel able.
    My pm box is always open. :hug:
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Sometimes I think we have to kid ourselves. Otherwise, we cannot last.
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    You should confide in your husband - leaving him blissfully unaware is 'cheating' - and you married for better or worse and this means that one or the other may need more care and attention.

    You are NOT a burden - I'd love my sisters no matter - and would be devastated to lose one. Siblings often think about suicide once a brother has done it or sister.

    You can share with us though - and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

    Would you be ashamed if you caught the flu?

    Depression is nothing to be ashamed of - it is NOT your fault.

    Hope this helps.

    Do please talk to your husband.

    Best wishes and regards.
  5. geordie_angel_sad_eyes

    geordie_angel_sad_eyes Active Member

    thanks for your words, they mean a lot to me, growing up i never understood my dads illness, now i know to well what went through his mind the night he finally had enough and how he felt, i grew up determined not to be like my mam that i didnt see this coming being like my dad! wierd how the world works init, thanks anyway x
  6. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    R.I.P for your dad - I guess some men keep this all in - I did myself but only recently feel like I can be open and not hide it.

    And sure - depression is something that cannot be understood EVER unless you have it.

    I would not personally trust any therapist who had not thought about dying for at least 2000 days!

    Anyhow cutiepie - I guess you married a Manchester lad then - hope he is a good man - please open up to him as its unfair if he is a good man to hide this.

    The world is weird sometimes!

    But it can be a wonderful place also.

    Hope you get some peace of mind!
  7. mr b

    mr b Member

    It's a difficult time for you and all the family but you really don't need to be strong and bottle everything up. At least share how you feel with your husband. Take care.
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