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  1. Kalicka

    Kalicka SF Supporter

    I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. If it's not please let me know.

    I don't know who I am anymore. For the last 16 years I've thought of myself only in the context of a alcoholic, drug addict, and lesbian. I abandoned all hopes and dreams of the past simply survive day to day in the context of those things. At some point, who I am got lost in the mix of things. I became whoever you wanted me to be, silently disappearing from existence. My social issues increasingly became a problem and I pushed everyone out of my life. Now I find myself clean and sober and questioning my lesbian card. I've got no hobbies, a few friends who I interact with on a very limited basis and that's my life.

    I go to work and the gym. I know what my ex likes to do, but I have no idea what I like to do. I have no idea who I am or where I am going. What is my motivation for living? I DON'T KNOW!

    I have no motivation to do anything today. I'm not feeling well, already had 2 seizures, and on the verge of saying screw it all. Quit the job, quit the gym, and ignore everyone. There are many things I need to be doing, but instead I'm stuck here wondering who I am, and if that person is worth all the effort.

    What if I'm nothing but a bad selfish person? What if I can never live up to the expectations of others? What if I'm not a good employee, good weight lifter? What if I'm nothing but a disappointment? How do I figure out who I am?

    I'm frustrated, tried, and I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'll stop typing now.
     
  2. Daíthí

    Daíthí Chat Pro SF Supporter

    The thing is Kali, from what little I've seen of you. I see someone who deserves some love and self-worth. It's up to you to decide who you want to be, and we're here to help you find out. You just have to reach out and trust us, as hard as it is. As hard as it is to go on, we care and we want to see you well. So when you're ready to start on that path. Know that we're here for you.
     
  3. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    Doubt is a heavy burden, it forces the questioning of everything. It can paralyze, leaving you stuck unable to decide. But it can also allow for contemplation before reaching conclusions and perhaps lead to a more balanced understanding. A crisis of self is difficult and I hope you can be kind to yourself as you struggle to find your answers.
     
    Tom 57 likes this.
  4. Christa D

    Christa D Active Member

    Kali,
    I know how you feel. I push people away too. That part of the BPD I think.
    One day I know what I want then next day I don't. Some days I have good and bad days. I get so confuse and feel lost at times. I hate that feeling but again that the BPD doing it.
     
  5. Lara_C

    Lara_C SF Supporter

    It sounds like you have being acting out a role according to what you think other people want/need from you, suppressing your real thoughts and feelings, and neglecting your own needs, to the point where you've lost full awareness of them.
    Where did the idea that you're not good enough/unworthy/unloveable come from? When did you learn to suppress your real thoughts and feelings and twist yourself out of shape in order to try to live up to the expectations of others? Who told you you were not good enough just as you were and that your thoughts and feelings didn't matter? Can you recall when and how the disconnect with your real self happened?
     
    Last edited: Mar 21, 2018
  6. Innocent Forever

    Innocent Forever Go as long as you can. And then take another step. Chat Pro SF Supporter

  7. Walker

    Walker Everything Zen Staff Member Safety & Support SF Social Media SF Supporter

    This was an old thread rustled up. Do you still feel this way?
     
  8. Kalicka

    Kalicka SF Supporter

    @walkerbait95 this was written um before. Do I still not know who I am? More now than ever.

    Do I still think I'm likely just a bad person who fucks shit up and is a huge dissappointment? Yeah.

    Still tired frustrated and don't know where I'm going with this.