Who am I?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Malchance, Apr 21, 2011.

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  1. Malchance

    Malchance Well-Known Member

    I am not sure if this is depression, or some thing else, I am not really sure if I should be posting this at all, but here it goes. It will be a bit long as I tend to try and fill in as much of it as possible, so I am sorry if it is a bit wordy.

    A few years ago I was a very shy person, I would shrink away from people and tried to avoid any sort of conflict by just going away, I had very few friends, and the few I had were a bit... flaky. I was constantly alone and generally just did not like being who I was, so I tried to change. I discovered ways around my own ineptitude, ways I thought would make me happy. I worked out, dressed well, copied what society wanted of me. I was young, so sex, drugs, and alcohol managed to fill the void in my life I had all those years growing up, at least I thought it would. Pretty soon the drugs didn't give me the rush I wanted, I started needed a bit of vodka to lighten my day, the sex no longer interested me. When my so called 'friends' would come up to me and pat me on the back after seeing a new hickey on my neck I would laugh, and smile, and nod, and die a little inside.

    Finally when I graduated high school I decided I wanted a rush, I needed a rush of some kind to validate my life so after a party I got behind a wheel and, well, I managed to have a moment of clarity before I tried it again. When I moved I stayed in contact with the only person who had been my friend through the change from shy kid into... what ever I was. We had a talk about how people always say to be true to yourself, and try to live life honestly.

    I had just moved to a new state and decided, at the least, I would try it but... who should I be then? Being who I was doesn't make me happy, and who I am only chases a cheap thrill until it bores me to tears. Is that all I am now? A melancholic watcher of humanity? I tried being some one else, quit all drugs, even the legal ones, only drink once every couple weeks/months, try to form committed relationships, but every time I talk to them I feel I have to wear a mask, a persona, that will be socially acceptable to them and allow me to be with them... but it does not fill me.

    Thus I am posed a question, does one know who they are? How does one know their true face, their true ideals? If everyone was to act on it would they be like me? Are we all really just bored beyond reason and wear a mask of interest for the sake of society? I do not know the answers to these questions, and I wish I did. Perhaps then the world would no longer seem quite so grey, and the horizon of the sky might seem just a bit further than before.

    Like I said, not sure if it is depression or what, so feel free to move it.
     
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I dont know that it is possible or wise to diagnose over cyber, but I do know that if what you are doing does not feel like your truer self, it is worth the work to explore what you can do to represent yourself more authentically in the world...maybe speaking to a therapist about this would be helpful...for me, it took awhile, and work, to be brave enough to be more genuine because it felt very vunerable...J
     
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    I understand the feeling like you can't really connect with people, that you are expected to wear a mask.

    I think that you can't show your true feelings to everyone without getting some negative reactions. A lot of people are only really comfortable with being superficial

    For me the breakthrough came when I met a friend who was in crisis. She just sat down and pretty much told me her life's story. I never really had emotional intimacy with anyone before, so it was a big change for me.

    For me it's not even so much about sharing deep or painful experiences, but feeling like I can if I want, that the people that I connect with could hear those things and not turn on me. That I could be vulnerable and get support rather than being attacked

    So people like that are out there, you just have to find them. And you can find them here!

    Therapy might also be good for you. I've heard that people can become less shy in therapy.

    :)
     
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