I am not sure if this is depression, or some thing else, I am not really sure if I should be posting this at all, but here it goes. It will be a bit long as I tend to try and fill in as much of it as possible, so I am sorry if it is a bit wordy. A few years ago I was a very shy person, I would shrink away from people and tried to avoid any sort of conflict by just going away, I had very few friends, and the few I had were a bit... flaky. I was constantly alone and generally just did not like being who I was, so I tried to change. I discovered ways around my own ineptitude, ways I thought would make me happy. I worked out, dressed well, copied what society wanted of me. I was young, so sex, drugs, and alcohol managed to fill the void in my life I had all those years growing up, at least I thought it would. Pretty soon the drugs didn't give me the rush I wanted, I started needed a bit of vodka to lighten my day, the sex no longer interested me. When my so called 'friends' would come up to me and pat me on the back after seeing a new hickey on my neck I would laugh, and smile, and nod, and die a little inside. Finally when I graduated high school I decided I wanted a rush, I needed a rush of some kind to validate my life so after a party I got behind a wheel and, well, I managed to have a moment of clarity before I tried it again. When I moved I stayed in contact with the only person who had been my friend through the change from shy kid into... what ever I was. We had a talk about how people always say to be true to yourself, and try to live life honestly. I had just moved to a new state and decided, at the least, I would try it but... who should I be then? Being who I was doesn't make me happy, and who I am only chases a cheap thrill until it bores me to tears. Is that all I am now? A melancholic watcher of humanity? I tried being some one else, quit all drugs, even the legal ones, only drink once every couple weeks/months, try to form committed relationships, but every time I talk to them I feel I have to wear a mask, a persona, that will be socially acceptable to them and allow me to be with them... but it does not fill me. Thus I am posed a question, does one know who they are? How does one know their true face, their true ideals? If everyone was to act on it would they be like me? Are we all really just bored beyond reason and wear a mask of interest for the sake of society? I do not know the answers to these questions, and I wish I did. Perhaps then the world would no longer seem quite so grey, and the horizon of the sky might seem just a bit further than before. Like I said, not sure if it is depression or what, so feel free to move it.