Hi, this is my second thread here. I feel the need to express my feelings somewhere, and as usual nobody available for me. I have come to realize that I cannot treat any human correctly. When strangers meet me, they see me as a nice, sweet, and caring person. Because my self-defense mechanisms are strong, I push people away--people that try very hard to befriend me. I've been through a lot of betrayal in my past and humans can only be humans: I understand. But it has become impossible for me to trust someone, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much I love. But deep deep inside, I am only human, and I am ashamed. The cliche "spark of good" covered by the hard shell of cold is reversed for me. I only outwardly seem like a nice guy, but my core is frozen. I am heartless. And I can't stand to live like this. I live now in the hopes that someone will accept me for who I am. But I do not think it is possible. I have tried to change myself into a better person, and I really want to ~ so that I can enjoy the love of somebody and so that I can return that love. I cannot change. And everybody will say that I can, its just in my mindset that I cannot that change that hinders me from doing so. Its just not in me. To act nice is fake, and I want people to love me for who I am, not for who I try to be. I am brutally honest, and a total jerk. I push people away constantly and make people hate me so that I can prove to myself that I deserve to die. But I also deep down, I want people to like me. So its a vicious cycle of accepting people and pushing them away, and then feeling their departure tear my innards to shreds. I want somebody to love me but I'm not lovable. And I ask myself... why do I bother? I have everything I could want in my life except this. I have no real goals to reach and find happiness very scarcely. Life is not a good thing for me, and my life is not a good thing for anyone else. Can someone help me justify the need to just end this all?