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Who am I?

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#1
Hi, this is my second thread here. I feel the need to express my feelings somewhere, and as usual nobody available for me.

I have come to realize that I cannot treat any human correctly. When strangers meet me, they see me as a nice, sweet, and caring person. Because my self-defense mechanisms are strong, I push people away--people that try very hard to befriend me. I've been through a lot of betrayal in my past and humans can only be humans: I understand. But it has become impossible for me to trust someone, no matter how hard I try, and no matter how much I love. But deep deep inside, I am only human, and I am ashamed. The cliche "spark of good" covered by the hard shell of cold is reversed for me. I only outwardly seem like a nice guy, but my core is frozen. I am heartless.

And I can't stand to live like this.

I live now in the hopes that someone will accept me for who I am. But I do not think it is possible. I have tried to change myself into a better person, and I really want to ~ so that I can enjoy the love of somebody and so that I can return that love. I cannot change. And everybody will say that I can, its just in my mindset that I cannot that change that hinders me from doing so. Its just not in me. To act nice is fake, and I want people to love me for who I am, not for who I try to be. I am brutally honest, and a total jerk. I push people away constantly and make people hate me so that I can prove to myself that I deserve to die.

But I also deep down, I want people to like me. So its a vicious cycle of accepting people and pushing them away, and then feeling their departure tear my innards to shreds. I want somebody to love me but I'm not lovable. And I ask myself... why do I bother? I have everything I could want in my life except this. I have no real goals to reach and find happiness very scarcely. Life is not a good thing for me, and my life is not a good thing for anyone else.

Can someone help me justify the need to just end this all?
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#2
No hun we will not justify that we will support you to heal to find that peace you so deserve okay. You are not heartless no your heart has been torn apart some i understand. I too god will not trust people not with my thoughts but i do know in time the coldness you speak off will diminish you will feel warmth inside again. You heart is still there hun your just afraid to let it feel. I do hope you continue to talk okay to reach out here it does help This forum is a pro life forum and we will give you the support you deserve and need okay to get through hugs to you
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#3
Hiya, Thomas. It sounds from what you've said that someone has hurt you in the past so that you find it hard/impossible to trust people now. It does NOT sound as though you are heartless!

Anyone who yearns to be loved and loveable has a heart, even if they tend to push people away - which is usually from a fear of being hurt again.

Have you considered talking to a therapist about any of this? A therapist could help you discover why you push people away right now, and then help you find ways NOT to push them away...so that you DO find the love in yourself and from others that you want. I believe it's there, but hidden at the moment, so I cannot possibly justify your desire to end things. There's loads of hope for you and a good future!
 
#4
i do know in time the coldness you speak off will diminish you will feel warmth inside again.
How do you know? And in how much time? I'm not patient enough to wait, because it could take a lifetime.

Anyone who yearns to be loved and loveable has a heart
I disagree. As much as I want to be loved, I am certain I cannot return the love that I want. I don't see the correlation between wanting love and having a heart.

And I cause my own pain by pushing people away. I don't want to feel hurt, so I push people away... but then they come back around and make me feel like crap. I'm stuck.
 

Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#5
I see potential for love/warm heart in the "yearning" that you feel. Some part of you knows you want to love and be loved. Part of you is scared of being hurt. You try to be cold by pushing people away, yet it's not really what you want - you want people to know and love you. It's an inner conflict between what you want and what you're afraid will happen if you go after what you want.

A cold heart doesn't have any feelings and would not care either way if it rebuffed people. You DO care.

You push others away out of fear of being hurt. It's possible to get over the feelings of mistrust and to learn to open your heart to people. It takes time and practice. And it can feel like a slippery tug of war.

Overall, I think you have lots of feelings inside - yearning, self-recrimination, the desire for people to like you - too many feelings for you to be as cold inside you are trying to tell yourself. Part of the defence mechanism that you use to keep people away is a sense of unworthiness that you are trying to convince yourself of. But you are worthy of love. It's a basic human need and something we all want.

How about figuring out why that defence mechanism is so automatic with you? When you know the root cause, maybe you can "tame" the defence mechanism and let others get closer to you. I think that is very do-able. :)
 
#6
I think its a lost cause. Thanks for trying anyway, but there's no reason for why you should care about me. I'm a stranger; as a matter of fact, edit total eclipse moderator inappropriate incensitive. Still care? edit moderator total eclipse incensitive
 
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Acy

Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense
ADMIN
#7
I think its a lost cause. Thanks for trying anyway, but there's no reason for why you should care about me. I'm a stranger; as a matter of fact, edit moderator total eclipse incensitive inappropriate. Still care? .edit modertator total eclipse incensitive.

Hmm, yes, I see you DO try to push people away. :(

Yes, we've never met face to face, so we're "strangers" to one another. But I care about people in general, and you said you were hurting, and that stirred my caring instincts. I'd pull a stranger out of harm's way if they were about to be plowed down by a bus. Sounded to me like you're in the path of some kind of harm/hurt, so I offered you what I could via this forum. I'm sorry it didn't help.
 
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total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#8
I think your comment was rude and insensitive i care about people who are suffering as well and no we will not go away okay If you knew how much we understood you would not have stated what you did i hope you find healing find some support for you because there are people who care without having to know the person they are caring for You are hurting does not mean you can hurt others
 
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