who cares

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by cookiemonster, Nov 2, 2009.

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  1. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    over the past few weeks i have been feeling incredibly crap and have already tried to kill myself once in the past few days. i felt a bit better when the pain went a bit but now my parents are back and now i feel really crappy again. i have stocked back up with stuff and if its not today it will be tomorrow because of school.

    i haven't been here long and i don't think people really know who i am anyway so just disregard this if not interested.

    thank you
  2. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    *hugs* i care, if u ever need someone to talk to im always here.
    i have msn
    skype all are displayed in my sig
  3. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    thank you. it is appreciated. I'm just not sure how far talking will get me anymore. this is the worst i have ever felt, normally hurting myself holds it off for a bit but this time it has made me want to try again and i don't think i will stop til i succeed.

    woo! 100 posts!
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 2, 2009
  4. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    I care! Don't give up, please :)
  5. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i wish it was that easy but its been so long since i felt anything but this. i wake up in the middle of the night and early morning and just think about it. the only time i feel ok is when i'm just about to do and then for a while once i had. if its the only way i feel ok then i like to do it but i want to succeed as well. its kinda what makes me worse after.

    i don't feel like i'm doing anything at all here. and nothing positive or negative is happening. i don't think there is actually anyone who would remember me after
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I care too try to get outside enjoy the fall air get your mind off things. just breath can you talk to councillor of a friend even Keep talking here as alot of us have these feelings but know it is the pain we want gone no our life. I hope you can get therapist to help you get through the pain and to a better side of life.
  7. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    :cold: i'm thinking of going to get some help soon anyways or at least i definitely will if i don't succeed. this will be probably my 11th attempt in a year and i really am quite shit at it. i'm gonna have to come on here less fr a while due to school. i spend a lot of time in chat when at home but can't get onto it at school and school is really where i need the support.
  8. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

    Hi, keep posting. Whatever is hurting inside needs to come out. I care, I know deep emotional pain, and I want you to come through it so you can have a decent life.

    I use to be afraid of my pain. I don't fear my pain anymore because I know that getting it out is the way to let it go. Please see your doctor. Please tell your doctor what is happening.

    Yes, it does take time to let the pain go. Yes, I get tired of my pain, but I can take a break and live today, explore today, and find real life, until it's time to let more of it go.

  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hey Glg, if I remember rightly some weeks ago we were talking about you doing a bit of writing that would tell us a bit more about yourself - maybe now is a good time to try it out? MD all very well, but no-one can comment on it.

    And as school is the problem, and you can't get on here during school time, maybe it would help to talk about what's going on at school, both before and after, that way you don't have to keep it all bottled up inside, don't have to deal with it in silence.

    Just think about it for a bit, instead of what you're planning. If you're so unsuccessful at it then chances are you could end up doing yourself a lot of damage with no payoff. Better to try one more time here eh? :smile:
  10. Scully

    Scully Well-Known Member

    Getting help is a very good idea. Isn't there a psychologist at school? I encourage you to go ahead with the idea you had: get help. I cross my fingers you will do it.
  11. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    I have seriously considered writing it but every time I've thought about what i could say something comes up and i don't write it down.

    i can get onto some of the forums during school time but i have problems staying logged in and so it can be frustrating. my mum doesn't let me on the computer before school and very often i can't get on the computer after school cos of various reasons. there is a counselor and various support staff but the one i always used to talk to is off ill atm and i can't talk to the others. i have spoken to an educational psychologist before but that was to determine special needs rather than anything else.

    i'll give it all another go but i can't promise much and i'm going to see my doctor on friday i think.
  12. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Good on you! That all sounds pretty positive, and at the end of the day, that's all you can do, keep your head up and keep going, get as much help as you can, and you'll get through.

    I'm proud of you :smile:
  13. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i'm really trying to be positive. its not fair on other people if i constantly whine. i also have to be really careful cos i have the means upstairs and one little slip up and i'll be in a lot of pain again.
  14. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    its really tempting right now, but that is because i have an interview with the school which will help to determine the rest of my school career and possibly may result in me not going to school any more and as it turns out school seems to be my only hope of having a life atm. I am utterly terrified of this because they have been looking for excuses to kick me out now.

    i don't think i'll be on for a couple of days
  15. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    I hope you'll come back and post how the interview went - one way or the other. But in the meantime good luck with it, and know that I am thinking of you, and if positive thinking can actually do something for someone else, then the amount of it I'm doing for you - that interview will go really well!
  16. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    well... it doesn't look all that promising. i will not be going back to school next year and i will not be getting qualifications it seems. i am trying to find reasons to be positive and the reasons i have won last much longer at this rate. I'm thinking of maybe quitting the site so i have less reason to feel guilty if i try again. everyone is helpful on here and i feel like i let people down every time i attempt. i also can't be all that helpful to other people right now. i don't know though. the future is a bit too cloudy for me to say anything for sure...
  17. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    So what happened? Is this definite? What did the interview involve? Don't be disheartened, not yet. And don't leave the site, not yet, either. Maybe it's a good thing that thinking you might let people down here, keeps you going.
  18. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    i had to talk to some head of school people. we talked about how I'm getting on and how my depression affects my learning and then they went on to say that it would be impractical for me to stay on at school and that the exams may stress me out too much. i argued that if i couldn't survive at school there wasn't much hope and then they just quietened down. they don't want me back. I'm too high maintenance.

    i don't know anymore, i don't feel like I'm doing anything good here
  19. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Don't feel guilty, this is a support forum, that means people come here for support. That isn't a requirement that you have to give it to get it. Comes a time when you're feeling a bit more ok, then you'll want to help others, but bear in mind there are also a lot of people here who get to feel better if they can help others, so if you let yourself be supported, without feeling guilty about it, you'll actually be helping others in doing so.

    Do you think your argument in the interview might change their minds? Have you spoken to the school counsellor about it? They might be able to help out convincing the school it's in your best interests to stay. Don't know what sort of school it is, or even which country, but I would have thought that it would be very difficult for a school to refuse education on those grounds, in fact I would have thought they have a duty to ensure you get extra help.
  20. cookiemonster

    cookiemonster Banned Member

    I was hoping that it might have helped but it probably wont have. they are more worried about results than people. they run the school like a business. i have an appointment with a careers and connexions adviser which may help me decide on what else i can do but this just tells me the school has given up on me. it probably is a better idea for me to stay but thats only because i feel more comfortable in an institution of some description. i don't enjoy it there but i don't think i'll be able to do anything else i enjoy without qualifications to do it.

    there has been a change of management and now there isn't a support system anymore. the first year i want help is the first year they don't have it
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