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Who doesn't bother getting help?

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by TheBLA, May 21, 2012.

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  1. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    I have been severely depressed and suicidal at least since I joined this forum almost seven years ago. Since then, I have really never sought out to get my condition cured. I have always felt that I am far beyond help, that I have ruined my life beyond repair and nobody can help me. I feel that I would only be wasting away my time and money on therapy, support groups, medication, etc. I have gone to meetings with support groups and doctors and then stop going after a few visits. The same with medication like Lexapro, Effexor and Prozac. I will take it for a few days and just stop cold-turkey. Why should I keep spending my time and emptying my pocket to help the drug companies for something that just cannot be fixed!?

    My dad has been the one to always pressure me to get help, but I resist him at every turn. If it weren't for him, I would never have sought help at all. Many times, I will try to pretend that I am happier so he thinks I am cured and will stop bothering me about seeking treatment. But I can only hide my pain for so long and it will creep up again and he will tell me to take medication and visit a doctor again. The cycle has repeated for several years now with nothing to show for it. Recently, my dad made me an appointment to see a counselor, but I canceled it at the last minute. I've already gone to counselors in the past, and stopped seeing them after 5 visits at the most. The same will happen here again anyways. I'd just have to retell my story to a new counselor, stop seeing her and all that effort was for naught and I wouldn't feel any better. I hear some cute words during a 45 minute talking session, and that is supposed to undo years upon years of severe damage upon myself inflicted by me and others? What a freaking joke.

    I feel confident that I am incurable, so why even bother with these things? I just want to wait for the time that I get so depressed, that I can muster up the "courage" to finally attempt and hopefully succeed at suicide.

    Its funny how I think that I am the only one who is incurable and everyone one else, on this forum and outside of it, can be cured of their mental illnesses eventually. I just feel that I am such a special case. I don't mean to sound pretentious, stuck-up and arrogant. I just think that having spent the majority of my life isolated from everyone else, living in my own "cave", missing out on so many things that everyone else has done, having a very empty and unfulfilled life, etc. how acn I be cured? The only choice for me now is death. There is nothing left to salvage. Even if there was, my depression won't let me pick up the pieces. My depression has hung around for too long, it has became a part of me, totally inseperable. It may only be gone when I finally get the "courage" to buy a gun and put a bullet into my head.

    I definitely think that medication and talking it out is helpful. I just feel its not for me, that's all. But I'm sure I am wrong and my depression is telling me all of this. My depression doesn't want me to kick it out. Its almost like a sentient being. Its made a nice, comfortable home in my head for the better half of a decade and it doesn't plan on going anywhere anytime soon. It has festered and gnawed at me for far too long. I can't get better, I might as well just finally attempt suicide, stop being a coward about this. I don't even know if I am worth curing at all. What hope does a long-term recluse like me stand in this harsh, cruel word full of normal people that I can never relate to and will never understand me?
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2012
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    depression can definitely rule your life - it does mine

    but i don't see depression as something that can be cured - i view it more like diabetes - something that needs to be controlled in order to let you live a reasonable life

    the problem is that depression is NOT like diabetes - there is no miracle drug that you can take and suddenly everything is fine - that's what makes it all so frustrating

    if you've been able to go to therapy, even for a couple of visits now and then, it may be that you haven't found the one that you can "click" with - talking can definitely help, even if it only consists of posting here

    as for medication - that will be a hit-or-miss proposition, but you have to keep talking to the doctor/therapist as you take or change your medication so that both of you can come to some sort of concensus on what works
  3. TheBLA

    TheBLA The biggest loser alive.

    That certainly sounds like a downer. That depression can never be fully cured, but only managed?

    I want to sound a bit optimistic and I think it can depend. Some have said depression is never fully curable, whereas others say it is. Depression can be caused by brain chemistry, circumstance or a combination of both. I believe mine is strictly through circumstance. It has been probably due to moving around a lot as a child. I hated the feeling of making friends and then losing them to move thousands of miles away. I hated being the new kid, the shy, awkward outsider and being bullied and tormented. I think that caused me to withdraw and become very reclusive. Then, I feel very depressed over that, due to falling far behind my peers in life, missing out on so many experiences and milestones. No prom, girlfriend, kiss, intimacy, parties, clubbing, traveling, etc, etc, etc.

    Would my depression be fully cured if I had for instance a loving girlfriend or wife? Then she would introduce me to her friends and I would act sociable and "normal"? Then, I could go traveling, sightseeing, partying with her and finally gain a normal life? Would I be able to toss my depression aside at least then or would it still linger on, I wonder?

    I have been isolated from everyone else and if I finally step out, I will appear as a complete and utter freak to them, from another planet. So, I just want to withdraw back in again. There is this Japanese phenomenon I largely identify with, "hikikomori", its an interesting subject to Google. Because of my festering and lingering depression, I have no drive, desire, ambition to further my life, to improve it, to get out of my extremely deep rut and hole I have dug myself into. I don't care to lose weight and improve my physical health, to further my education and get a better paying job. I am just very complacent and stagnant. I am leaving a massive buttprint in the sands of time, not footprints like everyone else.

    Maybe medication can at least give me the boost I need for instance to get out of bed and do stuff, like get the momentum going. I dunno. I just feel that everyone else with mental problems can be cured eventually. I just feel that I am the worst off of anybody and death will be my only cure. I'd much rather have a chronic disease like diabetes than depression, who wouldn't!? But imagine if I end up getting both, which I probably will if I actually made it into middle-age and beyond, if I haven't offed myself by then. I wonder how those people cope.
  4. catecholamine

    catecholamine Well-Known Member

    I've had depression issues for about 9 1/2 years now, maybe more. The past 3 years have been the worst. I developed Bipolar Disorder 3 years ago. It's like I thought I'd hit bottom, then the bottom dropped out. I had a not-so-great childhood, but I don't think about it much. Anyway, my point is, I can relate to some things you said.

    If your depression is from circumstance, therapy may really help. It can help some even if it's just brain chemistry. The point of CBT, at least, is to change how you think. It can work really well if you give it a try and stick with it. Medication can also help, it just takes time to find the right one. Why would you turn down these chances to feel better? I highly doubt you're beyond help. Trust me. I have attempted suicide, in very serious ways, that left me on a ventilator for days, kidney dialysis, and so on. And I don't think I'm beyond help. My main focus right now is therapy since I've tried just about every antidepressant there is. (excluding MAOI's - mainly I've tried SSRI's/SNRI's and Wellbutrin, a NDRI)
    It just takes time. So either you can spend you time sitting on your butt doing nothing, or spend your time working towards being happy. It's up to you.
  5. pppqp

    pppqp Well-Known Member

    give it a chance, Rahul.
    you have nothing to lose.

    you don't have to be fully cured, but you need changes and new perspectives as a result of meds and therapy.

    isolating yourself from the world will only pull you deeper. i know it so well coz i once did that too.

    take the first step. i wish you all the best xxx
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