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who has been beating me up?

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#1
there are three of me who are active. dan, hijacker and someone who i will presently call only S. then there is me. me is a surrogate for each of them. me is a genderless, personalitiless voice machine who only puts into words the the thoughts of the above 3 mentioned.

it just occurred to us that we each sort of blame the other two for the physical and psychological damage. then again S takes responsibility as a form of prison break. hijacker suggests that hijacker has not been doing the most hurtful stuff but simply being a facilitator in S’s efforts for freedom and suggesting that dan is the true hijacker. dan just thought of this: that hijacker and S are lying. that dan knows what hijacker is up to and it is simply to destroy dan and with S, hijacker will make the destruction complete. dan has actually been kind of silent lately as has hijacker and S has been stepping up and trying to force dan into an admission. now dan want’s to turn the tables again.

now there’s me! you might think i’m pretty proficient at thought processes having just written the above paragraph. what i do is take the thoughts of each and kind of blend them into these sentences. but i will say the evidence is that the body has been abused and the mind has been too. what if all three of these people are the same - just different parts. it still seems to make S the true leader. but even this is questionable. dan suggests that it is he who has been in prison and hijacker says oh no, its been S.

in a disputful kind of way the three agree that an independent 4th person - an observer might give an impression that may prompt more productive thinking. because the three as three don’t know what a combination would look like. it is still a 1 against 2 situation with S and hijacker voting for S and dan voting for dan. hijacker just wants to assure that S prevails. dan does not understand this.

i (me) has been relaying a much lesser emphatic version of this to our therapist for a while but a therapist is only one person and leaves the negotiation up to you know who... the three. so all that is being requested here, now, is some observations that can be considered in this negotiation, debate, war, and peace talk. the body is very involved and needs resolution soon - it hurts. thanks.
 
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MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#2
I must admit, I’m not very well versed, or familiar with these types of difficulties. In fact, the last place I was at, work-wise, specifically advised us against doing anything advice-oriented to those in similar predicaments such as yourself. For fear, I believe of us saying of doing—recommending something that would run counter to what their care team (doctors and everybody) were doing. As well as the fact that they rightly perhaps assessed that we did not have the proper and adequate training to conduct or coordinate such efforts. “Listen, but don’t speak...” they’d say (meaning, don’t tell them what you think, or how they should handle said problems/issues, etc.) I will say, that place was a bit of an incestuous pool—but that’s neither here, nor there. . . The one person in this discussion who is with the credentials to handle such matters is your therapist. Now, that’s only one mind & brain, but a trained one nonetheless. Along with your psychiatrist & primary & whoever else. . . Sorry I couldn’t be of more help. I have a lot more experience in dealing with people in this way, just not in a professional treatment (therapeutic, & etc.) kind of regard. In other words, more just casual conversation and such... hope you can find some resolution to some of your issues. And I can’t help but think you wouldn’t want to get the smartest person in the room, in front of you (who still actually cares and gives a care about your problems, in such a way that they dive deep in to coming up with tangible practical real istic solution s). This would usually involve psychiatry. But as with all things, some are better than others...
 

Nick

☆☆Still Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#3
I can't really say who are the leaders and the followers, because I'm not you. I've got a noise in my head and have my own set of arguments that come from more than one angle. Who is in control should always be me, right? Reality is that isn't always case. The noise is still versions of my own voice. The big question here is, are all these versions of your own voice? Is that what you've been told or what you think? The answer here makes a difference.
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#4
I believe of us saying of doing—recommending something that would run counter to what their care team (doctors and everybody) were doing.
sadly i lack a care team. a care team is almost counter to the needs of the insurance companies that rule in my mental healthcare. they think all i need is a periodic struggle to keep my present therapist. my therapist is as confused as everyone else professional who has treated me. as i’ve mentioned in the past, i am according to the professionals, “difficult to diagnose” difficult to treat” “a hard nut to crack” these are authentic quotes by psychiatrists and psychologists. the psychiatrist who treated me for the longest time (ended about 9 months ago). he never understood hijacker at all. i’d tell him that hijacker is like a person (or even a demonlike being in my head

The one person in this discussion who is with the credentials to handle such matters is your therapist.
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#5
the above was posted too soon inadvertently. so continuing with the paren: (or even a demonlike being in my head) and later he’s ask me with a laugh about what the demons were telling me to do. that was a distortion of what i said and he always mis understood. he had a completely wrong take on what hijacker is. the professionals routinely jump to conclusions to conform to stereotypes or textbook examples.

this is why i am going to the experts - the people here. i just want observations by people who know me a little and might see something obvious that i’m missing

and for the second quote in the above prematurely posted post, my therapist does have credentials but does not know what i’m saying here so she will not be responding to this. and a response from non professionals is what i’m looking for.
 

sinking_ship

woman overboard
Forum Pro
SF Supporter
#6
I'm glad you posted. I wish I had something helpful to offer. I do find that the 'me' that I feel like in a normal state versus a particularly depressive state *feels* different. But I've never felt like they are separate entities that can communicate in some way. I don't know if there is like, a spectrum of that sort of thing? I mean, do you think this might actually be DID, or do you think this is some extreme of the way I described it, that it's more of an abstraction of the different 'you's that you feel?
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#7
The big question here is, are all these versions of your own voice? Is that what you've been told or what you think? The answer here makes a difference.
me, dan, and hijacker have been with me for ages like all or most of my life. (during that time hijacker was very imature and unsophisticated early on. then it began to grow up into a person and that is when i named it). glimpses of S have been around for as long, but hijacker created the image of S perhaps 7 years ago and told me that S was prepped to take over eventually. i believe that eventually has arrived and it is causing the upheaval i’ve feared for the past 5 to 10 or even more years. i’ve been discussing and ranting for three plus years here on SF now, and i just want to know from the people who have heard me here, if i’ve said anything about myself that i may have missed. its not really advice i’m looking for but observations since i need someone else’s point of view minus the possibly wrong and even hurtful diagnoses i’ve received along with conclusion jumping. i’m not expecting professional replies.
 

Nick

☆☆Still Ducking Fantastic ☆☆
Safety & Support
SF Supporter
#8
me, dan, and hijacker have been with me for ages like all or most of my life. (during that time hijacker was very imature and unsophisticated early on. then it began to grow up into a person and that is when i named it). glimpses of S have been around for as long, but hijacker created the image of S perhaps 7 years ago and told me that S was prepped to take over eventually. i believe that eventually has arrived and it is causing the upheaval i’ve feared for the past 5 to 10 or even more years. i’ve been discussing and ranting for three plus years here on SF now, and i just want to know from the people who have heard me here, if i’ve said anything about myself that i may have missed. its not really advice i’m looking for but observations since i need someone else’s point of view minus the possibly wrong and even hurtful diagnoses i’ve received along with conclusion jumping. i’m not expecting professional replies.
I'm going to think about this and get back to you. You know how I feel about that hurtful diagnosis, that it's crap, so I'll say that now.
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#9
I mean, do you think this might actually be DID, or do you think this is some extreme of the way I described it, that it's more of an abstraction of the different 'you's that you feel?
hi, i noticed the similarites between DID and what goes on in me and the most agreement on this is from my present therapist who does not consider me to be DID. there is a related condition called ESD (ego state disorder) both of which have prosecutorial alters and i have considered that very likely but i’m not the doctor and i think doctors generally want to stay away from anything DID for fear of losing credibility. there is general skepticism about DID and related though there may be growing acceptance. but i do consider hijacker to be a split off part of me, or a virus or a demon. but mention “demon” in any way, as i did long ago, and you are immediately and permaniently classified as delusional and anything else you may have to say even if totally valid and carefully considered and even with eduction to back it up, is discredited as delusions. i will never be taken seriously except for maybe a few people who are likely people here. incidentally i posted here about DID & ESD a few months ago.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#11
I’ll admit, I used to be dialed in to this sort of thing a good number of years ago, I used to have to write up — not assessments or evaluations, per se... but most certainly summaries of given days, tasks within that day, as well as how well they were able to achieve given targets or goals within their given care teams treatment plan. These were primarily overseen by a doctor of psychology (who in turn had professionals under them, who were above us, and / or meaning — me: this was not the place I spoke of more recently, obviously...)! But as with all thing I leave behind I’m pretty good at forgetting everything I knew (& that was very, very little, by the way), so as to I don’t know exactly what—carry on more peacefully? I did this highly successfully with the gross anatomy and biochems & etc. ) And so it was with this too, but I have worked with those who could barely communicate. Other than the oddly uttered word (& I’m not taking of the “word-salad,” variety...) but more like Ralph fines in that David cronenberg picture, only not quite as severe. Anyway, as I stated before much more well adept at communicating with them on a fundamental level than in trying to play amateur shrink or psychologist who blindly throws darts out of an abnormal psych 101 book. Sorry if this is coming across as condescending or borderline hostile & aggressive (sounding), I don’t mean it too, but I’ve got other crap to mess with right now that doesn’t have a thing to do with you (or any one of you on the boards / forums)...
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#13
I’ll admit, I used to be dialed in to this sort of thing a good number of years ago, I used to have to write up — not assessments or evaluations, per se... but most certainly summaries of given days, tasks within that day, as well as how well they were able to achieve given targets or goals within their given care teams treatment plan. These were primarily overseen by a doctor of psychology (who in turn had professionals under them, who were above us, and / or meaning — me: this was not the place I spoke of more recently, obviously...)! But as with all thing I leave behind I’m pretty good at forgetting everything I knew (& that was very, very little, by the way), so as to I don’t know exactly what—carry on more peacefully? I did this highly successfully with the gross anatomy and biochems & etc. ) And so it was with this too, but I have worked with those who could barely communicate. Other than the oddly uttered word (& I’m not taking of the “word-salad,” variety...) but more like Ralph fines in that David cronenberg picture, only not quite as severe. Anyway, as I stated before much more well adept at communicating with them on a fundamental level than in trying to play amateur shrink or psychologist who blindly throws darts out of an abnormal psych 101 book. Sorry if this is coming across as condescending or borderline hostile & aggressive (sounding), I don’t mean it too, but I’ve got other crap to mess with right now that doesn’t have a thing to do with you (or any one of you on the boards / forums)...
you confuse me MBG! but i certainly don’t want you saying things that make you uncomfortable for any reason. that would probably turn out to be not helpful.

i don’t think professionals in mental health automatically have open enough minds to consider more than what they considered and accepted early on in their careers and thus they automatically will accept no more. this is not true for all but i do suspect that it is true for the majority. that to me is limited sight and not good and even dangerous. but that is - as they say - what it is. plus they are ruled by insurance. the untrained see much more. input from the untrained is all i hope to gain from this post.
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#14
This is the first time I've ever heard you mention S. Could you say more about what S is like?
S is someone who i have kept secret all my life. i’ve just started talking about S with my therapist more in the past couple months. earlier on S did not have a name and was quickly and routinely brushed aside in a “no no no this cannot be” kind of way. S came into being as S by supposedly hijacker’s doings. sort of like a mannequin with no mind but now S is with determination to be S...

at this point i’m kind of tired of not being more specific but i keep freezing up at the crucial moment. and it is this huge aversion that locked S up to begin with and resulted in the self harm - the types of self harm - that basically destroyed my life.

ok, i’m still here and i still intend to find happiness whomever i turn out to be. did i raise the point?... as dan, i now must consider if S is designed to destroy me as a brutally evil act or have i really been so cruel to S out of my own limitations? i am hoping that i will resolve this very quickly - best in hours or certainly no more than days, and hopefully not weeks. i need to move ahead and then feel comfortable to be...
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#15
S is someone who i have kept secret all my life. i’ve just started talking about S with my therapist more in the past couple months. earlier on S did not have a name and was quickly and routinely brushed aside in a “no no no this cannot be” kind of way. S came into being as S by supposedly hijacker’s doings. sort of like a mannequin with no mind but now S is with determination to be S...

at this point i’m kind of tired of not being more specific but i keep freezing up at the crucial moment. and it is this huge aversion that locked S up to begin with and resulted in the self harm - the types of self harm - that basically destroyed my life.

ok, i’m still here and i still intend to find happiness whomever i turn out to be. did i raise the point?... as dan, i now must consider if S is designed to destroy me as a brutally evil act or have i really been so cruel to S out of my own limitations? i am hoping that i will resolve this very quickly - best in hours or certainly no more than days, and hopefully not weeks. i need to move ahead and then feel comfortable to be...
So, you're saying that your aversion to talking about S is what's causing you to self harm? That makes me feel that you should talk about them. I'm still not sure I can give an opinion with so little information.
 

Walker

Admin-a-monkey
ADMIN
SF Social Media
SF Author
SF Supporter
#16
Hey so is this what you were talking about that you feel like you've been unable to discuss with your therapists in the past and started with a lie and all this?
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#17
Hey so is this what you were talking about that you feel like you've been unable to discuss with your therapists in the past and started with a lie and all this?
The first therapist - yup! There is a fine line between truth and lie. Maybe even it is no line at all but really gradience and point of view. Yet it is not confusion. Still there are quite a few questions.
 

extraterrestrialone

hi, guess who... its me...
SF Supporter
#18
So, you're saying that your aversion to talking about S is what's causing you to self harm? That makes me feel that you should talk about them. I'm still not sure I can give an opinion with so little information.
Not so much the aversion to talk, but the lifelong hiding of the self. Now shame, and fear, combined with habit make me stop in my tracks. Do you see? I am negotiating very difficult terrain. I'll get there even if no one is able to pull me across. But I find myself wishing someone would.
 

Paisley

* * *
SF Artist
SF Supporter
#19
Not so much the aversion to talk, but the lifelong hiding of the self. Now shame, and fear, combined with habit make me stop in my tracks. Do you see? I am negotiating very difficult terrain. I'll get there even if no one is able to pull me across. But I find myself wishing someone would.
From what I've seen, this is a habit that has only brought you harm. So I do not understand preserving that habit, especially when by doing so you are subjecting yourself to yet more pain.

You're asking for observations, but I'd first need to know what observations would be relevant. I can't provide the feedback without fully understanding what you're asking. Are you getting at S being your true self?

By the way, if you want me to stop asking direct questions then you're fully welcome to tell me off for it. But it seems like you want people to ask you directly what you mean.
 

MisterBGone

Well-Known Member
#20
Oh, no, it is not your fault... & all on me—& my mental deficiency; (with respect to my memory, or knowledge, of what I once knew!). So, in other words, I now know just enough to know that I (really) don’t like. . . You know? ;) Had this conversation taken place five years ago: you’d best believe I’d have had some definite ideas. Whether or not they’d have been of any help, I could not say— ;^)

These other, “selves,” you speak of - how conscious of them are you? For instance, when you any of the three are taking over, do you know that they are in that present moment? Or only more after the ? Also, please refresh my memory on your medication regime (or lack thereof?). If you are no longer seeing psychiatry, that would suggest a discontinuation of any psych meds, whether for any type of diagnosis, that is even as a side symptom, or subset of the primary — root cause (that you may feel ) is the problem. For example, antidepressants or anxiety medication... another thing that is different or unique onto you, version or as opposed to some of those that I have a bit more direct experience with (& again, it isn’t all that abundant nor above the absolute “ground level,”) . . . Is that they generally were not aware of any other “selves,” or dissociations present— in other words ,whatever else was happening; they had next to no recognition of, nor very little if any insight into the matters in the first place. You could generally get the sense, that there was a vast, or stark difference in between their external and internal stimuli (as one might expect). All of which would suggest, I’d beyond amateur ishly say or state, is incredibly good news for you - if this is true! Or, at the very least, somewhat less severe. If that makes sense: I realize however how meaningless all of this may be very well coming across for you! And so, I do apologize, but it is about all I am capable of, at present. :^)

now as to the more specifics of what it is you are searching for... is it for examples, or specific instances that these things have manifested themselves on this platform? In other words, are you interested in our experiences with you while you hav been some of the se other (3) selves? And therefore, for us to cite specific examples or make reference s to some of the things with which you have done which might be out of your recollection or memory? Then gleaning some more insight into your own condition and cognition? Or am I completely wrong and off-base? Feel free to correct me. : )
 

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